Tag: depression
It is reason lost
All week long you’ll fret yourself – 25th November 1994
What’s your problem Shaun, hey? One minute you feel so big and happy the next so small and sad. Is that brave face crumbling under the pressure? Are all the good things dissolving? No I don’t think so. But maybe I don’t get to see those good things so clearly sometimes, we recognise that it is easier to see the bad things don’t we? Me and you, old buddy.
Ok, I’ve been a bit grim these last couple of days, grim as in Steve Burgess ‘grim’ with a big growling ‘jee-arh’ and a quick to finish ‘im’. Reason? Oh, usual stuff, you know, just missing people and missing that security that I used to have (ha, the security I wanted to get rid of, of course, like my shitty job!)
I find it difficult to describe, I think I said I feel a bit directionless at the moment and wasn’t so sure who I was, man that is the worst thing in the world, not knowing who you are, don’t you think? Most of us like to think we know who everyone else is without ever knowing ourselves, easier to judge others than to look at ourselves, oh but that’s a big generalisation and really I’m talking about myself.
But today I feel better about myself, more able to cope with the difficulties I face each day becuase they are not difficult at all, you can make a big deal out of them if you want to but why waste more energy? I think I’ve talked myself round to feeling good, hmm, excellent!
Not much to recall about the past few days, I went into the city one day which was good fun but I’m sure I choked on some exhaust fumes that has now brought on this minor cold I’m suffering with, cities are dirty, shitty evil places, even nice ones have some lurking dark corners or maybe my eyes were more open to accept that train of thought on that day, there’s something to think about.
I’ll dig myself a hole and I’ll fill up that space – 21st October 1994
I cried
I cried wholeheartedly
I cried my guts out
I cried for an hour
I cried in the darkness of the bedroom, head under the sheets
I cried in Bronwyn’s arms as she comforted me
I cried and choked unable to say the few words that I wanted to say
I cried in a dance of tears
I cried, sobbed, balled in a fit of depression, overcome by dark hands, fingers in my mind
I cried unable to stop, wave upon wave of negative thoughts immersing me, dragging me into the depths of my soul
I cried out of loneliness
I cried through fear, here in this unknown territory, uncharted waters
I cried in this sea of complexity
I cried til Bronwyn cried for me in a joint sadness
We cried, then stopped and talked and fell asleep, hopeful for the new day.
Picture is an obscure connection that predictably tickles me.
On the way home through the ruins I wave to the ghosts far beyond – 15th June 1994
Romantic summer days are here, away from the rush and push of offices and ungentlemen.
Here today, I am sat in my favourite long wide valley, next to a muddy old excuse for a duckpond. A scattering of houses, barns and farms make up this community that probably hasn’t changed in 100 years. Only thing new here is tarmac and pylons –something we are now anaesthetised to. These are the places of fairytales, fables and folklore. The old crooked fence, the run down barn, birds a-chattering and flapping by. And people – where are they? Lazily making their way to the cows, I bet.
From one reality to another, with a brief sentence respite (this one).
Last night, me and my love dressed up in our rags for another punky party at the Joiners, where we videoed Thirst, The Harries and Broken Toys. I was feeling very unsocial after hurting my back carrying records to and fro and found myself with not much to say to anyone. Did I get my period again so soon? I wonder what it is that brings about this emotional unbalance in me.
And now today – I feel okay! Every morning I wake up bright and chirpy but by afternoon I’m a different difficult kettle of coconuts.
Another visit to the chiropractor today. Fun in the fundus. Go forth amongst men and be civil.
Baby, I love you, but I’m too loaded to love you properly – 10th May 1994
Things are still a blur to me now. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes. It took me three sittings just to write one letter to old pal Joe in Boston. I started to write bits and pieces here and there too, at work and at home but I never seem to get stuck into it for long enough. I’m all tensed up right now and feel ready to explode.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s trip to Newport and Thursday’s day off work. We went window shopping for laptop computers and camcorders on the weekend which was fun, and round to Rosemary’s on Sunday afternoon and played with Jade, her beautiful granddaughter. ‘Come on’ she says and ‘wee wee’ quite a lot too. We watched her fall asleep as she ran and leapt and dozed in snores within seconds of being wide-eyed.
Kerry’s dad passed away on Saturday night but Kerry and mum seem to be coping okay so far – a relief in some ways after many weeks of suffering.
I’m a bit down really, fed up with work and biting back at my baby at home. I don’t feel much in control of myself sometimes. I know all this so why don’t I do something about it! Hmph. Did much more in these five days but am unable to continue right now. Bye bye.
Disconsolate – 14th June 1988
You know you’re not depressed
Cos you’ve felt worse than this
You’re just feeling like you’ve lost your way
And there’s no way out of this
No way out of this
Disconsolate – no structure
Disconsolate – no future
But your consolation is
There’s a way out of this
Never Happen – 29th May 1988
Why do I look so miserable?
You say it might never happen
Well, how do you know it hasn’t?
A Problem With People – 8th February 1988
You show me your friends
But they don’t make me laugh
Next time that you come on round
I’ll make sure that I’m in the bath
I’ve got this problem with people – I hate them
I’m so alone in this desperate world
I really would like to find myself a girl
But when I talk to them they just make me sick
They may be pretty but also stupid and thick
I’ve got this problem with people – haven’t I?
*Mirages – 14th January 1985
Dream? Or was it?
It climbed into the closet
Shooting unearthly discharges
The nightmare enlarges
Open up the door
It’s there for sure
But something is wrong
The creature has gone
A mirage or a dream
Things aren’t what they seem
The whiskey, somehow
Is empty now
The Week That Was
Record of the week: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – Who’ll Build a Box for Black Paul?, Wasted Youth – Paris, France, Inca Babies – The Judge
14th January 1985
M: Got shit from Dave Gilby for not going to college. Feeling really tired. Did the usual things.
A: Piwi won’t be at work tomorrow so fuck knows what’s going to happen with just me and Martin there.
E: Went to Muz’s who’s being a shit again. Went to H’s. Dandy is one of my erogenous zones.
6
15th January 1985
M: Gilby reckons he’ll dock a day’s pay for not going to college. Having trouble with fucking hundreds of shortages.
A: Not much to do this afternoon. Wrote a good poem called ‘The Day The Apples Turned to Poison.’ Haven’t quite stopped smoking.
E: Had a bath. Missed the Old Grey Whistle Test. Pretty tired, 9.00.
5
16th January 1985
M: Got school bus. Had a laugh on there. Got bus to Poole. Got to plumbing an hour late. Pretty boring.
A: Had English (?!). Finished at 12.35. Had carpentry at 1.30. Managed to get out in time for the bus. Wayne wasn’t on. Caught bus from school. Dandy reckoned I could go swimming one day.
E: Pissed around singing. Went down Youth Club. Lost darts. Fuckin’ lost pool – played shit. Came back
6
17th January 1985
M: Fucked off with everything this morning. Dunno why. Seems like everyone’s getting on at me.
A: Things getting better this afternoon. Wrote some more poems at lunchtime. Fuckin’ cold on way home.
E: Gonna have bath. Had one. Night Court was on.
5
18th January 1985
M: Woke up 6.30. Snowing like fuck. Rung up work – said I wasn’t going. Went down Gaunts – came back when everyone got in a mood.
A: Went to Wimborne with mum. Pretty dangerous on the road. Got loads of sweets in town and some underarm spray.
E: Went out. Doddy and Scott came down my place. Did some pretty funny taping. Night Court was great.
5
19th January 1985
M:Got up 10. Went down Gaunts. Went down Sandpits with everyone. Fuckin’ good laugh going along the snow.
A: Came back at 1.30. Chain came off and got stuck. Pushed it back. Didn’t get in til 3. Had lots of food. Nearly fell asleep. Really tired.
E: Went to see The Void. Not very good. Ian got sick and cut his hand. Need a new chain for bike.
7
20th January 1985
M: Missed the morning. Got up at 12.
A: Had dinner. Went out. Went down Sandpit Hill. Fuckin’s till good down there. Met Dandy on the way. Managed to get a kiss from her.
E: Could hardly fuckin’ sleep. Couldn’t sleep thinking of Dandy. What can we do?
9
*The Week That Was – 6th February 1984
Record of the week: DOA – Bloodied But Unbowed
6th February 1984
Knackered. Physics was alright. Maths was totally shit. Lunchtime was boring. I was depressed by now. Social Studies made it worse. As did H.E. Bus home was alright. Hill Street Blues was good – cheer me up. Chucked Andy out of the group.
7th February 1984
R.E. – no teacher. P.S.C.E. – Jim’s shit. Maths – shit. B. Studies – shit. English – good, right piss around. P.E. – basketball – quite a laugh. Told Simon about Andy – no practice Sunday. Grange Hill was good. Went out on bike, down the road and round about. Looks like a good film on later ‘Visions of Death’. Football on instead.
8th February 1984
H.E. – made some bread. Physics – did a mock practical – quite good. Spent 80p on sweets. R.E. was ok. English was ok. B. Studies was boring. Maths was shit. Went out on my ped again. Didn’t do much else really at all at all at all at all at all….
9th February 1984
Art – Ok. P.E. – slaughtered Chesh at badminton. Social Studies – not bad. Business Studies – cut my thumb on a typewriter. English – ok. Fuck all to do at home at the moment. Reading Paul’s fanzine at the mo’. Ped just ran out of petrol or something.
10th February 1984
Did my English exam today – don’t think I did too well. English was a laugh. About 30 of us got caught smoking today. Burdet was lippy to Brooke and has got to see Crud. H.E. – boring. Maths – shit. Played football at lunch – good laugh. Art was ok. Business Studies was ok. Physics was alright. Jim’s decided to go vegetarian. Quite an eventful day so far. Watching telly now – well, there’s not much else to do.
11th February 1984
Got up at 8.15. Went to Poole. Saw Burd. Saw Lisa, Justin etc. Got some vivisection posters. Bought DOA LP. Met Paul around 3.20 and didn’t do much. Went to Arts Centre with Fish, Gilly and Paul. Quite a laugh. Came back home – played records, watched telly. Watched the horror movie – was fuckin’ shit. Talked til about 2.30.
12th February 1984
Woke up 10.30. Played records. Played darts and cards with Paul. Didn’t do a lot. Took dog for a walk. Took Paul back to Wareham. Not a lot on telly tonight. Read book most of the night. Couldn’t stay up for Sgt Bilko.
1994ever 