Tag: depression

I’m just trying to hold on, I said, but when you were gone what could I hold on to? – 8th June 2003

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Strange weekend – kinda had plans but things went awry! Felt severely down yesterday and freaked out (in my head) at the shops.

Feel better today, though TLJ has been on my mind and that really gets me low. Decided to call her and spoke for a few minutes. Not sure what it achieved. But I realised when I lost her I lost my best friend – I want that back and know I never will. I want so much and try so little sometimes. Yes, I know – I am my own worst critic. I guess I’m still stuck trying to figure out what to do with my life – cos I sure ain’t doing much right now.

25th April 2022 – Living in Chatswood was very convenient as I was a one minute walk from the shops and station. Though, despite there being a large enough Asian population, a mix of all, shops generally all closed by 6pm, except some restaurants. It started to change in my last few years there but it’s still nothing like the vibrant nightlife actually in Asia.

But sometimes the problem with choice is that it can overwhelm and occasionally, disappoint. In the sentence above describing freaking out, I immediately know my feeling. Being so convenient and having enough disposable income meant that I often ate out, though not usually at restaurants.

There were times I would head out without any idea what I wanted to eat and would get frustrated at not being able to choose. I wonder if at those times I wasn’t actually that hungry and was just expecting myself to eat out of habit. The frustrating search and possibly low blood sugar would freak me out and I would go home despondent and depressed.

The realisation of losing a best friend (yet again, though through choice this time) and the confusion and doubt that was causing me was a wake-up call that I was still ignoring, for whatever reason. The deep passion of the relationship with TLJ was replaced with emptiness.

The Dismemberment Plan’s ‘The First Anniversary Of Your Last Phone Call’ still sends shivers down my spine. The minor chord dirge and the chiming-crying chorus get me every time.

I continued trying to fill it by checking the local newspaper lonely hearts and a dating agency, of which my then less than satisfactory girlfriend, Lorraine, knew nothing. Lorraine wasn’t the right one but we gave it a go, somewhat based on our shared personal demons. Whilst staying with her I was always looking for other options.

This down period of time was what I deserved and due and in hindsight I can see that I knew what was going on with me but still didn’t have the skills to get a foot out of the mire. But it was coming.

Some people are up all the time. Others, like myself, have to go down and up again until we learn enough self-respect and self-esteem to gain some stability.

You’d like to write a book but you’re not sure how to begin – 23rd February 2002

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Something is wrong
Just so easy for me to get distressed – just some little thing
I hate it! Why?
Because I didn’t get enough sleep or enough to eat?
So I resort to drink – when I know it only makes it worse!
It’s just nothing but it changes the whole day.

I love my boy
But I can’t do enough. I really really don’t want him to end up like this part of me!
I know there is good inside me – how can I give this to him?

I’m drunk I’m gone – it’s just a waste of breath.

25th Feb 2022 – When I look back at this today I can see that I was obviously dejected and glum about my life as it was but it’s noticeable that I’m very aware of it. It was just that I didn’t have the tools to make the positive changes that I needed. It would be at some point in the next year or two that I sought out professional help again.

I was living just a short walk from Macquarie University and occasionally would go and check out the library to find interesting things to read. At some point, I also enrolled in Chinese Language 101 so was around the campus even more often. It was then I discovered that there was a Psychiatry Department and as part of final year student training was 60 hours of real-life consulting. The students got real-life experience and best of all, for patients, was heavily discounted rates. At the time I think it was $20 per hour, where the usual rate could be between $80 and $150 per hour. There was a limit of ten sessions but this was too good an opportunity for me to get some help.

Image is an AI interpretation of the first three lines of text – made at NightCafe

The scars you’ve left will never mend – 28th January 2002

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Today I erased my girlfriends from my phone – there’s a sad finality.

Why am I so restless? Why am I so stupid? Gotta go!

28th Nov 2021 – I started some writing again in this beautiful leather-bound book that TLJ brought back from Europe in mid-2001. It’s ironic that this is the first entry in this book as TLJ would have been one of the girlfriends erased.

My head wasn’t in a good place at this time and for quite a while after. I’d managed to fix some things in my life whilst continuing to fuck up a few others. I was a little bit directionless and lacking in self-esteem.

Gone mouldy over the years

All week long you’ll fret yourself – 25th November 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

What’s your problem Shaun, hey? One minute you feel so big and happy the next so small and sad. Is that brave face crumbling under the pressure? Are all the good things dissolving? No I don’t think so. But maybe I don’t get to see those good things so clearly sometimes, we recognise that it is easier to see the bad things don’t we? Me and you, old buddy.

Ok, I’ve been a bit grim these last couple of days, grim as in Steve Burgess ‘grim’ with a big growling ‘jee-arh’ and a quick to finish ‘im’. Reason? Oh, usual stuff, you know, just missing people and missing that security that I used to have (ha, the security I wanted to get rid of, of course, like my shitty job!)

I find it difficult to describe, I think I said I feel a bit directionless at the moment and wasn’t so sure who I was, man that is the worst thing in the world, not knowing who you are, don’t you think? Most of us like to think we know who everyone else is without ever knowing ourselves, easier to judge others than to look at ourselves, oh but that’s a big generalisation and really I’m talking about myself.

But today I feel better about myself, more able to cope with the difficulties I face each day becuase they are not difficult at all, you can make a big deal out of them if you want to but why waste more energy? I think I’ve talked myself round to feeling good, hmm, excellent!

Not much to recall about the past few days, I went into the city one day which was good fun but I’m sure I choked on some exhaust fumes that has now brought on this minor cold I’m suffering with, cities are dirty, shitty evil places, even nice ones have some lurking dark corners or maybe my eyes were more open to accept that train of thought on that day, there’s something to think about.

Found this photo at http://fabsydneyflashbacks.blogspot.com – There were a lot of holes in Sydney in 1994 – I think most of the filled by 2000 and the Olympics – World Square seemed to come later.

I’ll dig myself a hole and I’ll fill up that space – 21st October 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I cried

I cried wholeheartedly

I cried my guts out

I cried for an hour

I cried in the darkness of the bedroom, head under the sheets

I cried in Bronwyn’s arms as she comforted me

I cried and choked unable to say the few words that I wanted to say

I cried in a dance of tears

I cried, sobbed, balled in a fit of depression, overcome by dark hands, fingers in my mind

I cried unable to stop, wave upon wave of negative thoughts immersing me, dragging me into the depths of my soul

I cried out of loneliness

I cried through fear, here in this unknown territory, uncharted waters

I cried in this sea of complexity

I cried til Bronwyn cried for me in a joint sadness

We cried, then stopped and talked and fell asleep, hopeful for the new day.

Picture is an obscure connection that predictably tickles me.

On the way home through the ruins I wave to the ghosts far beyond – 15th June 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Romantic summer days are here, away from the rush and push of offices and ungentlemen.

Here today, I am sat in my favourite long wide valley, next to a muddy old excuse for a duckpond. A scattering of houses, barns and farms make up this community that probably hasn’t changed in 100 years. Only thing new here is tarmac and pylons –something we are now anaesthetised to. These are the places of fairytales, fables and folklore. The old crooked fence, the run down barn, birds a-chattering and flapping by. And people – where are they? Lazily making their way to the cows, I bet.

From one reality to another, with a brief sentence respite (this one).

Last night, me and my love dressed up in our rags for another punky party at the Joiners, where we videoed Thirst, The Harries and Broken Toys. I was feeling very unsocial after hurting my back carrying records to and fro and found myself with not much to say to anyone. Did I get my period again so soon? I wonder what it is that brings about this emotional unbalance in me.

And now today – I feel okay! Every morning I wake up bright and chirpy but by afternoon I’m a different difficult kettle of coconuts.

Another visit to the chiropractor today. Fun in the fundus. Go forth amongst men and be civil.

Baby, I love you, but I’m too loaded to love you properly – 10th May 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Things are still a blur to me now. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes. It took me three sittings just to write one letter to old pal Joe in Boston. I started to write bits and pieces here and there too, at work and at home but I never seem to get stuck into it for long enough. I’m all tensed up right now and feel ready to explode.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s trip to Newport and Thursday’s day off work. We went window shopping for laptop computers and camcorders on the weekend which was fun, and round to Rosemary’s on Sunday afternoon and played with Jade, her beautiful granddaughter. ‘Come on’ she says and ‘wee wee’ quite a lot too. We watched her fall asleep as she ran and leapt and dozed in snores within seconds of being wide-eyed.

Kerry’s dad passed away on Saturday night but Kerry and mum seem to be coping okay so far – a relief in some ways after many weeks of suffering.

I’m a bit down really, fed up with work and biting back at my baby at home. I don’t feel much in control of myself sometimes. I know all this so why don’t I do something about it! Hmph. Did much more in these five days but am unable to continue right now. Bye bye.