Tag: dreams

The Saviours – 3rd August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Philosophy and art are the saviours
When becoming bored with beauty
Chasing the objects of our desires
Has become a mindless duty

Nature holds a love so special
This day ripe and then tomorrow rotten
To make the thought last forever
To contemplate all that’s forgotten

Unsatisfied with the richest rewards
The sparks must generate resistance
As though seeing things for the first time
Is the wonder of one’s existence

inspired by a recent Stoa Letter newsletter
4th Apr 2024 – Submitted to My Vivid Blog

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty positive. Woke up with a start when my alarm went off. I was in the middle of a dream where I jumped into some icy water and got sucked into a cave and started drowning. But then I was watching myself counting whilst holding my breath to see if I had enough air to find my way out. 

When I arrived at my first class the kids were early and busy doing work so I asked them why and they said they hadn’t done the work in the six-day break and had to finish before their next class. I asked them what it was about and it was something to do with a futuristic world. So I let them carry on and I prepared a related quiz for them for the second half of the class which they are competitively doing now. Easy work for me so far.

Today I’m grateful for:

Hearing that Hayden has landed himself a full-time job in Brisbane. I’m not sure how this will affect being able to see him whilst I’m there but I hope this might be a good starting point for him to find a routine that he can work out to his advantage.

The best thing about today was:

Enjoying being back at school even on my busiest day of classes. I had everything in order and things ran pretty smoothly. 

I also advanced myself a little bit with my guitar practising, finally being able to stumble through some difficult tunes well enough to pass that section. I’ve been stuck at the same level for two years or more mainly because there’s a fingerpicking section that I’m not particularly interested in completing but I’ll give it a go again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing untoward out of my control today. Things that were out of my control were treated as such.

Something I learned today?

I had a little look at my old lessons on Google Slides today and can see that they should be relatively easy to convert to Quizizz for use next semester. Apart from being unable to control the students forgetting logins and passwords, I feel more confident using the system now and finding a good tool for tracking and ensuring work is done and revised again easily.

What do I need to let go of?

There is a certain person that I would like to get out of my thoughts. I need to let go of any resentment and bitterness that has been left. In fact, I don’t have those feelings much but somehow this person’s actions in the past come back to haunt me as validation that my attitude towards them is correct but what I would prefer is to just not care. I don’t have anything to prove so why do I keep comparing?

I took this picture because here is the top princess of the house, keeping a careful watch on his human staff.

Space Measurer – 7th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Born, as a city born
No random fluke
A memory made it all
Made an engine to get here
To travel through time
No spontaneous abundance
No existence without this

How does the arrow know
In which direction its time does flow?

Endless, insufficient, endless
Easy to discard, to waste
Measured up, down and sideways
Space inside a space

Today I’m feeling:

A little strange. But only because I won’t go to school until the afternoon. I’m envious of people who can wake up and do leisure activities before going to work. I’m a wake-up and work person. I like to get the difficult stuff done first and then fully relax. Right now I’m wound up and ready to go with nothing in particular to do. I’ll happily fill my time but in the back of my mind is that anticipation.

Today I’m grateful for:

A little conversation I had with my student Tonaor after school. She and another student missed my class cos she was off doing something so when I saw her I asked what they were doing. She said it was some training about dealing with depression. I was quite surprised to know that this was on the agenda at school and would like to find out more.
I also asked Tonaor if she thought she was depressed (which is something I wouldn’t have said was obvious with her) and she said sometimes and that the only time she is happy is when she is with her boyfriend. She understands that this feeling could lead to issues later in life and I’m glad she is a little self-aware though at 13 also understands she doesn’t have the skills yet. 
I like conversations like this (though it was mostly through translation), getting beyond superficial and playful talk. Some students feel very comfortable doing that with me which I take as a great compliment.

The best thing about today was:

A three-hour sleep-in with dreams about being on a bus or train. Perhaps a reminder that life is about the journey rather than the destination as I woke up before getting to the end. I was surrounded by people I knew but now can’t figure out who they were. It may have just been representations of people I was at school with or something like that.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy called whilst I was watching the football (see below) as she was just about to catch a ferry home and I would be accompanying her for the duration. Well, that’s fine, I can pause the game and carry on later. About 15 minutes in she realises she is on the wrong ferry, so to make use of the time I went out to the garden and picked some weeds whilst we were talking.
Eventually, she got back to dry land and had to dash off to the bathroom so she said she’d call back. I decided to stay out in the garden though. As the storm that was threatening got blown away, I started watering. Later Amy called back and I did accompany her home and about an hour and a half after starting our call I was able to get back to the football.
Despite leading for most of the game we lost in the last ten minutes and my superstitious mind tells me they lost because Amy interrupted my viewing of it! Of course, I know that’s ridiculous but is something that often crosses my mind. If this didn’t happen then that wouldn’t have happened. From there it goes in ever-decreasing circles. Now I’ve had this thought that also affects the outcome, and then that thought has done the same and on and on. Imagine if we could harness mind power purely for knowledge advancement rather than for ridiculousness.

Something I learned today?

The Swans game was last night and I didn’t even know. I can watch it on replay this evening – woohoo!

(not so much woohoo after watching it!)

What experiences have shaped me as a person?

Er…. all of them? My experience today, this evening, the last five minutes, are all accumulating second by second. Each shaped by the one before into a big mess that forms habits and thoughts that can be identified and hopefully reshaped over time.
I watched an interesting podcast yesterday where comedian Antony Jeselnik said that he was glad he didn’t have his life worked out when he was 17. Everyone he knew who did, ended up in a boring humdrum existence. He said if you’re happy and have everything figured out in your fifties then you can be certain you’ve lived a good life. I kinda feel like that’s me though I’m still uncertain if I have anything figured out. 
So when I see how my students are at school, having fun, playing and generally behaving like children, which is exactly what they are, I guess they will figure things out in their own time too. Who’s to say one form of education is better than another when it comes to the specific realities for these kid’s lives? Being top of the class doesn’t necessarily bring happiness.

I took these pictures because Amy messaged me if I was at school and I sent her these. Is this a school? Every day is playtime for them. They did the work I asked of them though what I ask of them each week diminishes more and more! It’s 2.30 Friday afternoon and the roof fans are just stirring up the hot air that saunters in from outside. It’s relentless and difficult to avoid, sapping energy quicker than a 5-cent battery. I’m fascinated to know where my students might end up in the future.

Own It – 10th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It doesn’t matter what you do or be
Someone will tell you that it’s wrong
We’re just singing in a different key
Or even singing a different song
Expect judgement in advance
And carry on with a smile
Relish your unique stance
Revel in your personal style

Today I’m feeling:

Ok but still as if something has gone missing. It’s getting less concrete now and the other realities of life are breaking in.

Today I’m grateful for:

The expectedly surly staff at Immigration who gave me the forms I asked for. He was wearing a bright Songkran shirt and happily passed over the forms and I thought that he’s not really surly, he’s just being a little Thai and he’s at work dealing with all our farang shit all day. I wai’d my thanks and left.

The best thing about today was:

Picking up some mangoes and pomelo at the market near Oasis. The lady was helpful and I will enjoy eating them today and tomorrow.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I tried some magic mushroom gummies last night and they had no real discernible effect.

After my alarm went off this morning I dozed a while longer and vividly dreamt that where Amy and I were living ( it wasn’t here), in the garden a huge hole had formed as if dirt had been carried away by ants. I noticed our cactuses were even growing underground where they were now exposed by the hole.

I went back inside to get my phone. Amy wasn’t home so I wanted to take pictures to send to her but my phone kept messing up like there was some electrical or magnetic interference.

I walked out of the garden and the roads had flooded from rain I thought I had heard during the night. People were trudging through the water to their houses nearby. I noted the surroundings looked like it was in the New Forest somewhere.

Again my phone kept messing up so I turned it off and hoped to sort it out back inside. As I walked back there were people standing around but I suddenly noticed things were dry. Then I realised that it was the magic mushrooms and I had hallucinated the hole in the garden and the flooding. I woke up then.

An earlier dream involved me trying not to wake the devil even though I had to open the door. He was sleeping in a normal bed in a normal bedroom. To open the door I had to tell him the truth about who he was. I didn’t think this would be too bad as he already knew what he was but he didn’t know that I knew. I just wanted to get out so I was stuck in this paradox.

I remember waking him and feeling scared but not sure what happened after that.

All these bits and pieces make sense to me considering the TV show I have been watching, a German show called Dark. The story is good and imaginative and has at least kept my brain occupied.

Something I learned today?

I went to see about getting my driving licence updated and I learned about the documents I will need and that I should either get there early or be prepared for a long wait.

How do I want to feel right now?

Alive, awake, enthusiastic, and full of joy.


I took this picture because Cap is feeling the heat. It’s unusual for him to lay like this on the floor. Usually, he’s on the bed or sofa when he rolls onto his back. 

Origami – 6th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Can we keep this forever?
Hold each other’s hands
Never grow up or grow old
And always understands

Can we never reach the ending?
A story never quite told
A battery of endless energy
Origami that won’t unfold

Can we hold these memories clear?
And never ever forget
It’s too much to say goodbye
I’m just not ready yet

Today I’m feeling:

Exhausted. I couldn’t get anything done today despite planning to. I slept about eight hours, waking up just after 8am. I even did 60 star jumps to get myself going. The day though was looking grim. All that smoke from yesterday had settled in the valley like a nuclear winter, the sky dull and dead. After feeding the cats I fell onto the bed and gave up myself, deciding to sleep again, this time til midday. I forced myself out for coffee but only had the one. I just wasn’t feeling it. Unenthused, I got back in my cave with the purifier and TV and numbed myself back to sleep again, until around 4pm. I’m even looking forward to going to sleep again later. One of my write-off days. 

Today I’m grateful for:

Cap and Tig hanging around me this afternoon, perhaps sensing that something isn’t quite right. Tangmo has been visiting more too. They are trying to fill the hole in my heart.

The best thing about today was:

I guess I did enjoy my dreams as they removed me from reality for a little while.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

A courier kept calling me to talk about a delivery but they couldn’t speak English. I guess through translation they eventually messaged me and I gave them my Google map pin. They won’t deliver until tomorrow though and I think they need a signature so will have to wait for them. I was planning to go get a new driver’s licence, which is what I had planned today too, but looks like will have to be next week now.


I took this picture because yesterday’s fires are today’s nuclear winter.

Tough Haiku – 2nd February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Life is not easy
It is not supposed to be
Build up your wisdom

Today I’m feeling:

Happy but getting a little fatigued, maybe from pushing myself too hard with my morning exercise. But I need to keep pushing if I’m going to lose some belly fat.

Today I’m grateful for:

My tennis racket bug zapper. It’s supremely satisfying to hear the crackle of frying mosquitoes in its mesh as I wave it through the air.

The best thing about today was:

The positive response from the 4 students I sent messages to last night, telling them how well they are doing in class and for a couple of them to try and focus their friends too. Today’s class was much smoother and everyone seemed a little happier.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

If anything was out of my control today it didn’t have any noticeable effect on me.

Something I learned today?

I decided to look at the Guardian to see if there was anything I might learn that was in the news. I found very little. If each article just included facts about events they would be one paragraph long. It’s one of the reasons people only read headlines because there is little of consequence within.

What do you do to be involved in the community?

In general, due to my poor language skills, I don’t do much but I do consider that being a teacher is bring involved in the community. I hope to encourage these students to be the best that they can?

I took this picture because Cap was lying down with his tongue sticking out for some reason! He seems very happy.

Sometimes dreams and reality merge.
As I walked through the gate towards the regular morning coffee I’m thinking of cars, locking the door of my own with the key in my pocket. Imagine that, me from the 80s.
The remnants of sound of the podcast talking about used car salesmen and a ’68 Cadillac, friends driving around listening to old tapes.
And a vague, fleeting recollection of the dream last night of cars past, pieces falling apart and breaking down. Those pieces of shit – a nostalgia trip of loving memory.
The bad times were always the best.
So what was real in this fog of pre-caffeine confusion? And is that what dying is? Do dreams and reality blur slowly at the edges until we finally fall out of our existence and into the ever-long dream?

Derelict – 18th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Smashed windows and roof decayed
A place where memories were once made
Now hidden to the exploring eye
Possibilities came here now gone by

One day the love in my own home
Will be left to explorers unknown
Pondered upon with little idea
Of all the things that happened here

The tiles will crack and ceilings fall
Jungle vines will creep up the wall
The once-pretty garden overrun
Plastic disintegrates in the sun

The roaming ghosts of our happy cats
No longer worry the scurrying rats
Body broken as the irons rust
Will all be blown away as dust

I think perfection is ugly. Somewhere in the things humans make, I want to see scars, failure, disorcer, distortion.

Yohji Yamamoto

Today I’m feeling:
Chill chill
Today I’m grateful for:
A long catch-up sleep with interesting but forgotten dreams. I also woke up with no pain in my neck but that didn’t last for too long.
The best thing about today was:
Its simplicity and feeling contented with a day of non-excitement. A little bit of this and that counters any possibility of boredom. I feel free!
In what ways are you “just like your parents?”
I am just like my mum now. It’s scary how much I look like her. Right now I live by myself (practically) and love to read books, much like she did. I don’t need to be around people often and happy in my own company, just as I saw her. I don’t think I can be much like my dad as I have no idea if he had any influence over me in my first 18 months before he died. I wonder though if there was a residual sadness that brushed on me in that short time…?

I took this picture because it just looked idyllic as I was speeding by and had to turn back to take a quick picture. This one is from yesterday. I didn’t really do anything today.

We got that attitude! – 3rd December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful to have a sleep-in this morning. I could have gotten up but the cold and my tiredness drew me back to my dreams. I’m lucky to be able to afford the time to do that.

I enjoyed my sleep so much last night that it kinda scared me. I was so deep and down in my dreams every time I woke up, I wondered if I had died. The pull was compelling.

I didn’t get up with my alarm because of this and because it was damn cold too. Getting up early during the winter is tough. I’ll have to push on through if I want to maintain my exercise routine. Not helped by the fact that next Monday and Friday are holidays.

Two classes this morning and I relaxed a bit with the students in anticipation of their laziness for next week. I can adjust my lessons accordingly. I have to teach Na again for an hour tomorrow and I’m really not sure what to do with her yet. Maybe some preference questions and philosophical style work that require a little more thought. I’ll figure it out in the morning.

I want to get more writing entered to the blog too, change my room again, listen to more music, watch less TV, do some other exercise while it is cooler.

Ten Plagues – 7th November 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I got my ten plagues coming
They’re gonna put me straight
Find a path to victory
And I’ll never forget this date
Struggled through the sandstorm
Rivers of blood were spied
Soldiered through the pestilence
Frogs and flies all denied

Found a path to my heaven
The journey was a reward
Through three days of darkness
My life has been restored
The tragedy passed over
I did it on my own
I am my own god
And I’ll never be alone

I asked my students what topics they wanted to study this semester and one of the Christian kids wanted to learn more about the Plagues of Egypt. I didn’t really know anything about this story myself and after digging into it I wrote this poem.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Australia has changed their rules to allow Sinopharm vaccinated to enter without quarantine. This means that Amy can plan to go and visit now.

I slept through my alarm, dreaming deeply, watching kids play instruments, a boy holding a note on a trumpet until he collapsed and I woke up.

It’s a beautiful sunny, clear day and I’m listening to crazy industrial music whilst weeding and res-stringing my guitar. Last night Amy found out that Australia now accepts the Sinopharm vaccine so she can return to Oz without quarantine, so she is busy working out everything so she can go next month.

Shadows – 1st November 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 7 Comments

Within this oppressive system
The dividing line, it grows
The wealthy control the time
Whilst we’re living in the shadows

Try to climb this shit ladder
But the dividing line always grows
A blind eye turned towards
Those living in the shadows

How did it get to be
That the dividing line, it grows?
And the ninety-nine percent
Remains living in the shadows

There is no vision of caring
As the dividing line, it grows
The underclass just eats itself
Living in the shadows

The one percent destroyed the world
And the dividing line is gone
No one left to remember the names
Of the ones who claimed they’d won

Inspired by a classic late 80s Peter Milligan story ‘Shadows’ originally printed in 2000AD
29th Mar 2024 – Submitted to OLN 359 at dVerse

First day of the new semester and everything is the usual mess but I’m more used to it now and can accept it. Had a good chat with Champ in the afternoon about his beliefs about the future of Thailand. He isn’t happy with the current system but is optimistic about the elections next year. I don’t think it will be much of a change but I also can’t get a feel for the mood of the country.

I moved back into the teacher’s room and sat next to George again. He is still only politely communicating with me and won’t look me in the eye. What I have noticed more about myself is that the things that I read about stoicism and thinking, I’m always framing it into a comparison with me and George. He is good at many things that I would hope to emulate but I’m always classifying it as insincere when it comes from him. I don’t need to be thinking about how what I’m reading relates to him – I need to be concentrating on how it relates to me.

I do feel that I am behaving more as myself these days as opposed to trying to fit in with everyone there, to keep a good vibe. I don’t know how to describe this properly. The vibe is good as I am. I am polite and enquiring and take part in work discussions. I don’t, or no longer, really take part in what I guess could be called bonding exercises. I don’t really feel a need to bond with people on a superficial level. Playing Uno or Kahoot together is ok every now and then and maybe brings a good feeling at that moment but I feel like there’s no depth to it.

Sure, I may not be good at connecting deeply with people myself but I really detest the time wasted on superficial connections. I don’t want to be friends with everyone or care if people I don’t really like don’t like me either, but I will make the effort to make deeper connections with someone I feel great affinity with.

That’s difficult with this group of people due to language issues but I am interested in Champ’s values and thinking as he also seems to be interested in deeper concerns than having time for another round of Uno.

Have I talked myself around? Perhaps not yet. My thinking is something I’m still working on and something I will always need to work on.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the long sleep and pleasant dreams I had last night whilst it rained so hard.

Weight: 76.6kg
Resting heart rate: 52

Check Your Dreams – 5th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

Conspiracies abound among the paranoid
Secret cabals of lizard men must be destroyed
Spooks at every corner have been deployed
Data analysis deep tracking employed

Inception matrixes to check your dreams
Killer drones are shooting laser beams
Manufacturing consent it seems
Our new masters are our own machines

10th May 2024 – Submitted to No Theme Thursday for the attached picture prompt

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I pretty much managed to finish my grading files in an hour yesterday. A whole semester measured with a number.

Today’s a good day so far (it’s 2pm). Probably the best thing was spending an hour in the city getting a massage. First one for a long while. How grateful I am to be getting paid and being able to get a one-hour massage! I’m thinking to go back again on Thursday! Why not!?

There is nothing particularly bothering me personally these days. My life is sweet. I’m conscious that I’m reading a lot of news again, generally about the US and the US-China relationship. That shit is making me angry and I’m wondering if I should just cut it all out again.

Amy and I finally watched The Tiger King and that documentary seems to highlight for me everything that is wrong about the USA. In my youth, I always argued for freedom but as the saying goes, ‘with great freedom comes great responsibility’. I don’t think freedom to be ignorant and stupid was quite what my idealised youth was thinking of.