The last time you looked at me Your eyes were pleading ‘I don’t know what’s happening And I don’t like it’ We waited for each other But were never able to see again
Your world in a plastic bag That will still end up in landfill And survive for ten thousand years The relentless tide offers little comfort Except that it will be there tomorrow But I’ll never wear this red dress again.
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good but the headache from coughing is still annoying. I think it will hang around for a couple more weeks so it’s just a case of soldiering. People are sympathetic with each other at school though as everyone is coughing, sneezing or has lost their voice.
Today I’m grateful for:
Tim from Chocolat Frog for messaging me to introduce me to their new album which I had already downloaded anyway. Listening and enjoying it right now.
The best thing about today was:
Being pleased with the engagement with both my classes today. They were a pleasure and everyone did well. Maybe the little bit of support I gave yesterday helped. Let’s see if we can keep it up until the end of the week!
Something I learned today?
For some reason the app for ThaiPod101 doesn’t include the flashcards which is disappointing as I’ve found them a useful tool. With a bit of fiddling around though I discovered how to import them into Duo Cards so I’ll use that to reinforce what I learn during the TP101 lessons.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I offered a wish of better health to Kru Ren who has been struggling with some kind of flu for more than a month already and today complained of losing his sense of taste.
I congratulated the students who got into the programs they applied for and commiserated with those that didn’t.
I took this picture because this grass looked nice in the morning golden hour as I took Leo for his walk at around 8.15am. It’s cool now but not cold enough for a jacket for me. The kids at school are wrapped up already though and complain about how cold it is.
It’s just another Jarrow Crusade Ignored by those in power Backed by a whole class of people Whose life has gone sour The change will slowly come Too late for those affected The masses’ message manipulated Ignored and rejected The power is not with good people Whose members swell the ranks But held by the precious few Who own the guns and tanks As your protest heads down the street Always remember your way home Before that’s taken from you too And you’re left to seethe alone You’re either with us or against us Left conquered when divided Along the path of least resistance Your own future will be decided
Today I’m feeling:
A little more positive today. I’m liking that I can’t remember what day it is but that will all change soon.
Today I’m grateful for:
Electricity. After 4 hours without it last night I thought it wasn’t too bad but then realised I was still able to use my phone and iPad as they still had charge. If they had run out I don’t think I would’ve been so happy.
The best thing about today was:
Almost finishing the flashcard sorting. I could’ve finished it but as I find this kind of task enjoyable I want to stretch it out one more day. Next, I have to integrate their use into my lessons and hopefully, the students find them useful.
(I couldn’t resist and finished them off so now the island in the dining room is relatively clear again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
First thing this morning I stepped on Amy’s thin folding mattress on the floor and under my foot was wet. Argh! It felt like a full bladder of piss had been dispensed. I picked it up and hung it outside in the sun, having to also take the rug too as it had seeped through to that as well. Good morning!
Something I learned today?
In some street interviews, many young Chinese people assumed America has high-speed rail because it’s America so they must have it.
Write about a memorable experience from this past week.
The coming of the rain and the destructive storms. The rain was good, the destruction not.
I took this picture because this was the result of the storm last night. I threw some more breeze blocks up there and climbed up and tried to get the sheet back in place but that wasn’t possible. Even though it was only 10 am everything up on the roof was already burning hot. I was also nervous up there as there was a lot of flex in the frame in the middle of the roof. I did my best and placed the six blocks strategically but I think it still may not be enough if the wind really whips through again.
Fairly positive, and cared about yet still with a nagging cold in my psyche.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nong Nut and Nong Fon for making and giving me food today. Nut made a delicious cheese, cream cheese and spinach bake along with some banana cake, yoghurt and more jam. Fon made her best sourdough bread yet and was delicious, toasted with cream cheese.
The best thing about today was:
I felt quite blissful as I was talking with Amy whilst sitting outside. I could smell food cooking coming from somewhere instead of smoky air for a change. The trapped heat in the house was not present outside with a comfortable cosy feeling of warmth. Another day has passed quickly with the feeling of little achievement though relative satisfaction. I have to remind myself that this is what life is. I don’t need to be jumping out of aeroplanes or be popular to know that I am alive.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I still haven’t got back any enthusiasm for listening to music. Apart from playing guitar a few times I haven’t purposely listened to any music this month. I know music can take me away but it can also bring focus right inside my head and I still feel like I want my senses dulled. I’m still in some kind of mourning. I’m getting used to Kim not bring around now and it even feels like she never existed, like she was a dream. That’s sad but maybe my way of coping. Where does the love go that you gave? It feels like it just evaporated.
Something I learned today?
Robotaxis have been given the go-ahead in Beijing. It would be weird to be in a car with no driver but still have a steering wheel and watch it moving. Why not just get rid of the wheel too? Anyway, the future is here. Where is it going? By the time you read this, you’ll be able to tell me.
What am I looking forward to this week?
I’m looking forward to having finished sorting out the hundreds of vocabulary cards that I started making last month. I’m enjoying the process of putting them in order after they all got mixed up during the process of making them. It’s one of those huge tasks that I enjoy as I watch it slowly get easier as it nears completion.
I took this picture yesterday because I like leaving these little models around amongst our little plants around the entertainment area.
Keep blowing, the wind Blow away the aches Blow away the pain Of all of my mistakes
Keep blowing and skronking Blow in the chance To fill the empty spaces With a feverful dance
Today I’m feeling:
Better today but still flat and unenthused. I was able to write out some words, write a lesson plan and bash about on guitar. This all helped a little.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nong Nut bringing me a bag of food for which I’m very appreciative. Check the picture for one item plus bagels, yoghurt and dried mango. I also felt a little better after our brief interaction so I’m glad she came to visit.
The best thing about today was:
Just feeling a little better in general. Little Kim is still on my mind particularly as it was this time last week I took her to the vet. Though I miss her I’m starting to feel happy when I think about her now.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Tigger sat his fat body in amongst the stacks of flashcards that I’d been sorting through. Miraculously he was delicate enough getting up again that he didn’t disturb them. I have to finish sorting them out and packed away before he sits on them again or worse still, sprays on them.
Something I learned today?
I watched a video summarising The Infinite Jest and it reminded me how awesome it was to read and made me feel like reading it again but…. there are a couple of hundred other books begging me not to!
What are three qualities I appreciate about myself?
Perseverance, ability to be alone, caring.
Perseverance because I have learned to just keep going. I’ve learned the things that I am unable to do but if there is something I do but do not do well or easily then I will keep trying. Some of these things I get better at and others I just keep doing them. I used to give up a lot when I was young. Somehow along the way, I learned to enjoy the big challenges. I’m thinking about my first job working at an electrical wholesaler and we always had large quantities of different types of cable. Sometimes the reels would break and the cable would get into a terrible tangle. Everyone hated dealing with this, including me. But I would take the time and set myself the task to do the impossible and untangle it all, measure it and tidy it up. I got pleasure from the end result of this.
My ability to be alone is surely learned from being an only child to a single mum (after my father died before even knowing him). Even though there were always many people around in the places that I lived I knew I was alone and kept myself amused and entertained. Yes, I still don’t play well with others and never enjoy suffering their dramas but I’m at peace with myself this way. Sometimes I watch TV or videos and think how fun it would be to do this and that, to be surrounded by family, part of a gang, hanging with work colleagues etc but then I realise that that is not who I am. And that’s ok. I still feel all those things are possibilities that I may one day entertain and enjoy.
And caring. I know my personality has at times shown extremely uncaring attitudes but I have always felt an existential care for the disadvantaged and underdog. I tend to care more about those who are truly suffering than those who are complaining (knowing I can be just as much of a complainer). I am a utopian dreamer and believe it is a government’s role and duty to provide care for all its citizens. I am only marginally philanthropic. I donate money where I can but don’t often donate my time. I often think about it but never take it further. I care about my close family immensely and I care about my student’s welfare, some would say more than I should.
I took this picture because Nut made this food for me and it was tasty and much appreciated. Middle Eastern and/or Indian inspired.
Another 1000-page report got written That should keep the people quiet The hand that feeds gets bitten Because without action, the people riot
Today I’m feeling:
No headaches but still itchy eyes. Medicine kept me up last night, even watching TV for an hour or so but I don’t feel too tired this morning perhaps invigorated by going to work which meant going to the cafe pretty much, where I put together another lesson.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the teachers in our department that work so hard for little pay and cover the work that we foreigners should be doing but end up not doing because everything is in Thai. We just pretend to do a little work but at the end of the day, everyone understands the farce.
The best thing about today was:
George actually greeted me first this morning and then talked a little about what he has been doing these last two days when I asked. I was quite surprised and even surprised myself at not being sarcastic in return! Anyway, I don’t know what is going on in his life. Maybe he’s lonely or bored or anything so I happily carried on being pleasant and accommodating.
I was also happy to get all my flashcards cut up. I just need to sort them now.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Little Kim threw up her food. I think it was from last night. It seemed like she only ate a little this morning and now she’s back in the walk-in resting. She drank a little but didn’t eat and her body is starting to feel warmer again. She’s looking skinny and sad.
I’ll take her to the vet again in the morning.
Something I learned today?
I learned 8 benefits of drinking lemon water every day. I always have lemon water when I’m at House since I heard or read about it before, maybe even from watching the same video and forgotten since. Let’s see if I can remember… 1. Lowers cholesterol 2. Reduces liver fat 3. Gives vitamin C for immunity 4. Reduces some cancer risk 5. Helps you like be longer (probably) 6. And three more things!
I took this picture because this is the school cat Garfield and he was hanging around the front gate this morning. He’s always friendly though he did get annoyed with a little kid trying to rub him and bit his hand!
I don’t need attention or money anymore I’m no longer the person I was before Staring into the sky, wondering what to be Scared that I no longer know what is me
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and hopeful though a little tired.
Today I’m grateful for:
A message from my student Aoi to our class chat saying that she missed me (perhaps a little tongue in cheek) and then Jeng said he did too. I’m glad it’s not just me that feels a void after the intensity of the semesters.
The best thing about today was:
Unexpectedly being home by 10 am was pretty sweet, getting to enjoy all the things I enjoy such as reading, grooming our cats, watering the garden, putting together lesson ideas, drinking coffee and playing cards at Daytripper.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got to school late because I knew nothing would really start until around 9 am but then when I got to the hall it was all locked up and no one was around. I went back to our building and found out that we won’t be in the hall again until next week.
Ok, no problem, though I had left all my flashcards that I was making in there. I just hope they are recoverable. I asked Kru Mai what I should do today and he just shrugged and said to start putting together presentations for the next semester, which is what I would be doing whether I was at school or not anyway.
I said cool, no worries and came home! I’m thankful the environment here is flexible in this way, not like at previous schools.
In the afternoon I did start putting together my plans for my classes whilst enjoying coffees at Daytripper. Well, why not?
Something I learned today?
I watched a video advising how best to play barre chords on guitar. I’m still struggling with these and my hand and wrist get tired quickly so I’m looking for all the tips I can get. Want to keep playing, and improve my skill and speed. It’s going to be slow for an old bloke like me.
What is something positive happening in my life right now?
I’m feeling pretty positive about everything at the moment though I’m trying to think of something specific. It’s just me and Cap here in bed, in the aircon and…and what? So long as my brain doesn’t fall into a loop of negative thoughts I consider everything positively. Ok got it. The positive thing happening in my life right now is my thoughts.
I took this picture because I thought this plant had died as all the leaves had curled up brown. I secretly held out hope but there was nothing for six months until a couple of weeks ago, new growth and now the unfurling. Amazing.
When the road is muddy the air is clear So follows the only road out of here And when the road is dust the air is thick Steps are laboured as the cart is sick Trails are blazed along dotted lines Paths that were paved in ancient times Making tracks towards the next fire Making monuments that will inspire
Today I’m feeling:
Happy enough despite having to be at school. Utilising the time this morning to glue some flashcards for next semester. Messy and mind-numbing but at least not looking at the phone or watching anime as some other teachers are doing.
Today I’m grateful for:
Strawberry season. I know I did this one recently but I just ate a punnet of juicy rippers from the hill tribe lady and her snotty-nosed kid outside 7-11. Delicious.
The best thing about today was:
Finding out what classes I will teach next semester which also includes a new class for me with M4 students (15/16-year-olds) in the hospitality program. Many of the students haven’t studied in English programs so it’s just like teaching elementary level again. It should be fun and at least something new to try.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I didn’t have any control over where I had to be today which was in the school hall with all the other teachers. In the morning we just heard the directors talking about what we will do but as it was all in Thai there was little for us to do. I had planned for this and brought my components to make flashcards while waiting. Not sure what we have to do this afternoon yet but I hope I get more glue time.
Something I learned today?
David laughed when I talked about glue being made from horses (at one time at least) as he didn’t believe me until he looked it up online. He thought he was getting high off the fumes but I didn’t think that they would have glue you could get high on at schools but then, this is Thailand.
What did I learn? I met Indian Paul in the hall and he told me he was upset. He told me how next semester he has been given a co-teacher that he has had problems with before. I laughed and told him this is his reward for being given the teacher of the year award this semester. Sometimes it’s better to keep your head down!
What does contentment mean to me?
Contentment means no stress from difficult people. Stress is ok and people being difficult can be ok too but combined means discontent.
I took this picture because I was watering the jacarandas and turned around to see the dappled sky in the sunset. Home.
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