Tag: garden

The Art of Noticing Wall Pictures – 25th May 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Forcing myself to notice the pictures and decorations on the walls in different places. Strangely, this was a tough one and it made me realise that I don’t go to many different places, especially during these difficult pandemic times. Of course, it may be that I did go to many places but didn’t notice the pictures on the wall!

This was the first picture – taken all the way back on Jan 6th!
Finally got to 10 pictures today!

Poems on this day

Field of Observation

Warm damp air clings to us
In the middle of our own field
Like quantum theory – look away
A million fireflies are revealed

Lightning flashes on the horizon
Boding well the breeze to come
Buzz on about your business
There’s space here for everyone

Illusions

The grey is not just in the sky
It’s in my head, my half-closed eyes
The passions of yesterday are gone
The words said cannot be undone

This sick mind exaggerating
All my deadly contemplating
A coward stuck in sheep’s clothing
Just wants an end to my self-loathing

To run away, just run and run
To put an end to what’s become
We slowly watched things going sour
Took the pain and gave it power

We mixed it up, caused confusion
Stuck inside this brief illusion
I still love you, I will always love you
How can I ever love myself?

Rocks and Oils

Artificial lines and boundaries
Sought to divide and rule
Keep the savages occupied
Then pour on extra fuel

Some arbitrary borders
Laid down after wars
Pay us to keep the peace
We’ll be back to settle scores

Killed a man a thousand years ago
For this, you’ll one day pay
And grab this dirty rock of yours
Put down a flag and say

‘Get out and stay out’
You’re not welcome here
Our fathers always taught us
You are not what you appear

This Is A Test

Some days I ask myself
Just what am I doing here?
On good days things make sense
But others are not so clear

Sensitive to your words
Your scathing drunken attack
I can’t always shrug it off
Unless you take them back

Regularly we cycle
Through this vicious routine
So here we go again
What does it all mean?

I just wanted to take it easy
Sit back and relax
But then I see you drinking
Preparing your attacks

Let’s sit down and fix it
Make things for the best
Many more years ahead of us
This is just a test

Plus Minus

If I keep writing down these negative thoughts
Am I throwing them out or reinforcing them?
Am I making things worse than they already are
Or should I be symbolically divorcing them?

Gratitude Journal

I’m so happy and grateful to be able to stand in our garden at night and watch all the fireflies buzzing around. To feel the warm air surround my skin and to stare at the moon and wonder if I could go there. It seems close enough to touch.

The best thing about today was thinking and writing my way out of a funk. Last night, I was a little cranky, and Amy was drinking again. I was in bed, and she came in to play, but I wasn’t really in the mood. Then she bit my face, and I pushed her off me. She felt insulted and complained that I don’t love her anymore and walked out. I was tired and annoyed, and although I was thinking about these words, I was so tired I fell asleep and didn’t even hear Amy come to bed.

I was woken up during the night, having a dream that Amy was getting too friendly with Ben, another of the teachers we know, and after that, it was difficult to get back to sleep.

I snoozed my alarm, and Amy didn’t bother to get up in the morning, but before I left, I told her that I was worried about her still. She said she was the one who should be worried. I get really upset when she’s drinking and says things like ‘you don’t love me anymore’ just because I’m annoyed with her behaviour at the time.

This morning, I couldn’t feel my way out of this darkness, but eventually, by the afternoon,n I was feeling OK. Not brilliant, but OK. However, Amy was in a short and bad mood when I got home due to an upset stomach and problems with something she was trying to bake.

I thought we could go for a drive tomorrow – it’s a holiday here again. Amy asked ‘Where?” but I just don’t care where – just get out of the house and see what is out there. We both know that there is nothing out there but it’s just a distraction from staying home again.

We got that attitude! – 28th March 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the big rain a couple of nights ago which meant we didn’t need to water the garden yesterday. Today I will be grateful for the 41-degree temperature and sunlight that will inspire our plants and trees to shoot up. Balance of nature – power for a long time – longer than I will be alive.

Sometimes, days off start with many possibilities but then by the end of the day, you wonder what you did. My morning and afternoon were happy – watching Sydney play well in the AFL, winning the game, working out in the morning, reading and drinking coffee, eating a beautiful buffet lunch at Le Meridien.

But I can tell Amy is in a feisty mood – inspired by the elections that are happening today. With her grandmum not well and her brother being a typical uncommunicative and uncaring person – all this makes the words out of her mouth in the negative – and even if they may not be, I am reading them that way because it has become the norm.

Some days I can deal – usually just by shutting up, but today, this evening, I just wanted to lock myself away. I picked up my guitar and after a few days with no practice played worse than before – got myself frustrated and into a funk of my own.

I did a bit more exercise and that brought me up a bit but now I’m going back inside the house and out of hiding here in my room. Let’s try to be positive.

So much for blue skies, what about the future? – 24th March 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Woke up today with huge indecision about the future. Last night Amy and I discussed what we might do in the future and whether we are happy where we are at this time.

Amy’s reverse culture shock has been getting her down a lot and she is itching to go back to Australia – whether just to visit or to make more long term plans. She says once her parents have passed that she has no compulsion to stay in Thailand.

Combined with news that our school’s budget has been cut and we will have to teach more classes, containing more students, it’s a somewhat depressing look ahead. I would be happy not to work at all. I can ‘be’ in any place or country and the advantage for me here is that I don’t necessarily have to work, whereas in Australia it would be a must just to survive.

The current plan is that Amy goes to Australia for 3 to 6 months once there are less travel restrictions and I carry on teaching (or perhaps stop – to be considered) and then when Amy returns we start doing some sort of business on our land and see how that goes. If that keeps us both happy, then we stay and if not then maybe we have to decide to pack up and think about our options in Australia.

I started this post with these pictures of the summer garden taken a couple of weeks ago, but bigger thoughts have taken over. Let’s see how our garden grows.

Our mulberries have gone mental this year – everyday I can pick a new bowlful.
These tall branches reaching into the sky now have so much fruit that they are bending to touch the ground. I don’t know if this needs to be cut to grow differently or if it’s best to just leave it the way it is.
This Jacaranda currently has more flowers than leaves. Our four Jacarandas all seem to flower at random times throughout the year. I just hope that they can live and survive a lot longer and grow as big as the ones in Australia. Love these trees.
This is a weird bush, plant, tree (?) that reminds me of fractal theory – it looks like each ‘branch’ separates off into two and on and on.

24th Mar 2023 – The plan I discuss above is still in progress. Amy will have been in Australia on and off for almost two years by the end of this year and will come back then and again consider doing some business on our land. Things are a little more normalised after the 2 or 3 years of pandemic restrictions. The mulberries are going crazy again this year too. I wish the sky were as blue today as it is in these pictures. Today’s AQI is 224 (Very unhealthy).

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our wheelbarrow. Yesterday I used it to move a whole heap of rocks to the other side of the garden. Without my wheelbarrow, this would’ve been a real pain. I’m also grateful for our big shovel too. this helped me get all the rocks into the barrow. They are both bright orange – like lots of garden equipment here in Thailand.

The best thing about today was getting a gift from Am and Tee. It’s just a mug but I liked Am’s explanation for choosing it.

I taught Maeve online again tonight and that was really a pleasure – she’s a bright and enthusiastic learner so time went quickly.

I tried to practice guitar after that but somehow my fingers and brain aren’t quite connecting. That happens sometimes. If it’s not coming together after ten minutes, put it down and try again tomorrow.

We got that attitude! – 20th February 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the weeds in the garden – a reminder of the constant struggle of life and of the determination to survive. Don’t give up. I am also grateful for the nicer things that grow in our garden. In the mornings there is a beautiful smell from a flowering tree which brings me a great feeling of harmony.

Yesterday was a kind of brought day and got me down a bit. When that happens I usually don’t feel like coming to my room and watched a load of YouTube and a movie instead. It felt like the right thing to do somehow although perhaps I might’ve gotten better quicker if I had come here – maybe I’ll force myself next time.

What a strange week. From a weird ecstasy on Monday to what sometimes felt like tragedy on Friday. I had an ominous feeling before my class on Friday and looked over my lesson to make sure the students could manage it. They actually did well enough but they were difficult to control. Champ came to talk with them though I didn’t know what about and they were all quiet and curious for a few minutes after that. It was difficult to get them to focus after that and I lost my patience, having to repeat myself again and again and packed my things and told them to leave 20 minutes early – they could tell I was upset with them.

Later, I talked with Champ and he told me he had told them that next semester they wouldn’t have a farang teacher for English as they were too disruptive and loud with me – forcing me to be loud (and frustrated) with them. Obviously they kids would have been curious about this and what it actually meant.

I felt better after discussing things with Champ a bit and came to my own conclusion that I’m really only happy teaching students who want to learn and I struggle to control those who don’t. Sometimes I can laugh it off but it often seems to depend on me.

I don’t where my foreboding came from earlier in the day but it certainly proved right – or was it a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I also got really upset with George as he insisted that Dylan play guitar for everyone in the room. George does this often – forcing people to do things whether they want to or not. It’s not normally anything extraordinary but it really grinds my gears and I feel another contribution to my turn around on my like for him.

I can also feel that he has a problem with me now as he no longer includes me in anything – probably because I usually want to do other things most of the time. I feel it’s a little bit like retribution against me somehow. I don’t follow his way so I’m excluded from his chums. I feel it’s a little insincere because also at the same time, he can still be nice and friendly. Maybe I read too much into it and think about it too much – maybe it’s proximity, as we spent too much time together earlier in the school year. Both our bad sides are shown.

His manipulation of people shouldn’t bother me as I can’t control him or the people he directs the manipulation at. He tried it with me many times before and he knows it doesn’t work with me.

Uh – I feel it’s a shame and that all the problems I have with people stem from me. Sometimes that’s ok and other times it gets me down. But I feel it’s not something I can easily fix within myself.

I am a solitary person. I do need other interaction but just enough to satisfy myself. I am jealous of how other people have more social lives than me but don’t want to be obliged into it if it makes me uncomfortable. I find most people boring to be with. That’s the way I am.

Hang in there, Shaun

We got that attitude! – 7th February 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful that I have the chance to be who I am. I can learn and understand things from other people but I will always be myself.
I am so happy and grateful that we have the tools we have to help us keep our garden clean and tidy and then when we are too lazy I am grateful that we can afford to pay other people to come and work for us.

To-do list

  • Follow up with Benjii ½
  • Next step of gratitude letters ½
  • Start to cut down on coffee expenses ½
  • Continue photo organisation ½

We got that attitude! – 31st January 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for my enthusiasm to learn new things. It seems unbelievable to me that I am learning to play the guitar, learning to sketch and preparing to read War and Peace! My 20-year-old self would be sceptical and amazed.
I am so happy and grateful for the rain yesterday. It was a surprise and I thought it would never come. Now our plants are nourished again after about 3 months of dry. They will green up again before going back to yellow and pale for the next few dry months. There’s a beautiful cold fog this morning.

We got that attitude! – 24th January 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the game The Crew. I don’t play games often and this game is just right for me, maybe boring for others but just enough fun for me without being frustrating.

To-do list

  • More remixing ✅
  • Prepare IELTS course on Monday ✅
  • Sketch something at work ✅
  • Prepare gratitude letters ½
  • Work out a time to go to Hacienda
  • More books, less phone ✅

It’s been an odd week – I was sick with a cold on the weekend and either slept or watched/listened to YouTube videos – which was quite enjoyable despite my subdued mood. I tried to go to work on Monday but opted not to in the end and slept more, finally feeling…not better, but happier.

On Tuesday I came home early and read more of the Paulo Coehlo book, Eleven Minutes, that Bruno lent me. I think it was part of that story that influenced my thoughts as I fell asleep that night and I had a moment of clarity and suddenly understood exactly who I was, what I am and what I am for. It was very profound and enlightening though it happened as I was on my way to sleep, and many other thoughts also passed through my mind before I slept.

When I awoke I recalled my epiphany but could no longer remember the details. Who am I!? I’m not sure it was inspired by passages in that book so I will go back and read it again. Actually, I’m just happy that somewhere in my consciousness I have this information, so my thinking ming shouldn’t need to worry about this anymore.

The rest of the week went well and I had a somewhat superior feeling that I don’t care what anyone thinks of me or the way I do things. Not to say that I deliberately go out of my way to annoy or upset anyone but I do usually apply the rule of honesty when it comes to discussion and I will give my honest opinion in many situations, hopefully when I feel it would not be detrimental. Not everyone will understand me, not everyone will like me. But I am valid. I do my best to be nice to people but I can’t help the fact that I am bored by most people and have to push myself hard to dive deeper into their world.

Yesterday I felt tired enough for an afternoon nap but thought I’d listen to some music at the same time. It was a fabulous feeling as I drifted in and out of light sleep, inspired by the sounds. I came to thinking about my old teenage bedroom, my first girlfriend, and the layout of the room, which I would change every few months depending on my mood.

As I held this thought closely, my heart jumped as my imagination brought the whole thing right into the here and now. I toyed with my thoughts and could recall moments that stimulated my emotions and realised I had it within me to summon these feelings, with practice, at will.

Looking through photos of the recent past has inspired a certain nostalgia that I haven’t investigated much before, as I never liked to indulge in it, always moving forward instead. If it can stir up my memory then I will attempt this more.

A nice thing happened yesterday as I was watering the garden in the morning. The neighbour’s twin cats came to sniff around and followed me and the hose for a while. I cuddled and stroked them and got back to watering and still they followed, curious about the water, until one got a little too close and decided that water is evil. They both quickly understood and ran off as fast as they could back home.

I am trying to simplify my life somewhat. Keep up some good habits but not stress too much about anything.

Feeling good last week, I decided I would help Ellen with some more online teaching. I’m kicking myself a little bit now as I have been enjoying all the free time I have had recently, generally since stopping recording the podcast. Sometimes, giving up things, even those you enjoy, is good. Make more room for other things.

I’ve even been listening to full CDs again today – to recall the feeling of a consistent 45-60 minutes rather than skit-skatting all about the place. And hence, the longer length of this entry.