Another 1000-page report got written That should keep the people quiet The hand that feeds gets bitten Because without action, the people riot
Today I’m feeling:
No headaches but still itchy eyes. Medicine kept me up last night, even watching TV for an hour or so but I don’t feel too tired this morning perhaps invigorated by going to work which meant going to the cafe pretty much, where I put together another lesson.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the teachers in our department that work so hard for little pay and cover the work that we foreigners should be doing but end up not doing because everything is in Thai. We just pretend to do a little work but at the end of the day, everyone understands the farce.
The best thing about today was:
George actually greeted me first this morning and then talked a little about what he has been doing these last two days when I asked. I was quite surprised and even surprised myself at not being sarcastic in return! Anyway, I don’t know what is going on in his life. Maybe he’s lonely or bored or anything so I happily carried on being pleasant and accommodating.
I was also happy to get all my flashcards cut up. I just need to sort them now.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Little Kim threw up her food. I think it was from last night. It seemed like she only ate a little this morning and now she’s back in the walk-in resting. She drank a little but didn’t eat and her body is starting to feel warmer again. She’s looking skinny and sad.
I’ll take her to the vet again in the morning.
Something I learned today?
I learned 8 benefits of drinking lemon water every day. I always have lemon water when I’m at House since I heard or read about it before, maybe even from watching the same video and forgotten since. Let’s see if I can remember… 1. Lowers cholesterol 2. Reduces liver fat 3. Gives vitamin C for immunity 4. Reduces some cancer risk 5. Helps you like be longer (probably) 6. And three more things!
I took this picture because this is the school cat Garfield and he was hanging around the front gate this morning. He’s always friendly though he did get annoyed with a little kid trying to rub him and bit his hand!
You became the master of money And accumulated great wealth Became a master of muscles And maintaining physical health But that final puzzle piece Is still hidden as if by stealth Couldn’t master your mind Couldn’t master yourself
Happy and relaxed, waiting for the sun to drop so I can do some watering again. I’m hoping for an early rainy season again but I think this year may be long and dry, unfortunately.
Today I’m grateful for:
Manus at the post office for always being helpful and friendly and trying to help me remember the Thai word for ‘registered’.
The best thing about today was:
A long chat with Amy about different ideas and plans for the future.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I had just gotten on a roll with updating more blog entries when Fui came to House and we started talking. I’m never sure how long he will stay but I decided I had no hurry today and we ended up chatting for about 90 minutes. We often go over the same things but we learn a little more about each other each time. At points, I was keen to get back to what I was doing but I told myself to relax and enjoy this time.
Something I learned today?
You can buy a cock ring called the Tally Wacker that counts your thrusts when fucking. I’m not sure if it syncs with your health devices but maybe 100 thrusts equals a calorie?
What is one lesson I am learning right now?
We’ll have to generalise ‘right now’ a little because if taken literally all I’m learning is what I can remember from ‘around’ ‘right now’!
I’m learning a little how to relax and even be bored again. This week involves a lot of TV and reading, playing guitar and listening to music. Much like many other weeks but interspersed with even less teaching than usual.
It’s taken me a long time to learn to relax and in the back of my mind, I’m confident that when the time comes necessary I will be able to get right back on my game again.
I took this picture because I wanted a different angle to look at the garden. I like this mini bamboo plant that apparently cats like to eat. Not sure ours ever do though. The leafless frangipani has more focus than the other trees near it which are also now losing their leaves. The frangipanis are just starting to show leaves sprouting through now. You can also spy the tops of some of our cacti too.
It’s the 7th of February 2022 and I’m sitting in the cafe, Le Paradis, next door to CRPAO, where I am currently an English teacher. It’s scout week and us farang teachers have nothing to do for this whole week. I’ve decided to clock in, show my face and go home again unless anyone wants me to do anything.
I’m feeling pretty happy these days. Amy has been in Australia for a week now and has gotten herself a job already, which she will start in March, after travelling to Albury and Adelaide first to visit friends.
Tomorrow I will go to visit Bruno and Nut for dinner and on Sunday Aing and Now will come to stay for a few days, for Aing’s graduation ceremony. She will look around the area with the intention to start some sort of business here, which is great news. It will give us a local cat sitter that we can trust!
By the time you are reading this, it’s possible you are no longer working – that might even happen as early as the end of the semester in March. Whatever happens, it will be ok, though I’m enjoying having access to almost all my income for a change.
I am still thinking too much about George and the way he is treating me but I am slowly able to push it aside, made easier by just avoiding him at work. I don’t feel anything bad towards him. He obviously feels hurt by my actions towards him, which in my mind have been fairly minimal and understated. He seems to have a higher expectation and can’t deal with that not being met. At least that’s how see it, with the little that I managed to get out of him to try and find out his true feelings.
Everything I accuse him of, I can accuse myself. It doesn’t matter. We’re just not compatible but I don’t let that interfere with staying polite.
I have written many times about my ability to keep myself (my mind) occupied and I don’t easily succumb to loneliness. I would rather be alone than struggle to maintain a difficult friendship. Perhaps this is something that I will improve on in the future but I am happy with myself the way I am. Real, good friends will find their way to each other.
Do I want to tell you anything? Just keep going. You’ve done so well to get where you are now. This year is looking bright to me, right now, with so many possibilities. Some will happen, others will wait. I’ll go and make some music.
PS – look at your blog for this day in the past, over the years. Do you notice anything?
He understands me Says the right words to care He says he loves me But hides something not to share His true intentions Are on cards held close to chest He uses my feelings To ensure he comes out best He compliments me Yet somehow his words feel fake He always points out My every little mistake Always a people pleaser To get everyone on his side The power rises against me I have nowhere left to hide I meet his needs Through his mental manipulation And he walks away happy From every situation His use of guilt Always bends toward his will Once I am discarded He’ll be doing it still He uses humour Everyone laughs at his jokes But it’s me on the receiving end Of his vicious little pokes He whispers lies In believable words of deceit His crown never slips He already has me beat And it is no irony I recognise myself in him That’s how I spotted The dark empath within
Youth is happy because it has the capacity to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.
Franz Kafka
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to not lie in this morning, get up and see a fierce red sun in the sky.
Letting others speak, even some nasty words Tells you almost everything you need to know Rather they, than you, put a foot in it It’s a wonderful lesson for truth to grow
You can’t change what happened but what happens from here is up to you.
owner of Cerro Gordo
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to change up my first lesson today to start outside – give the kids and me something different to do.
After 3 busy, fun classes today, I can say that the kids are inspiring. In the morning, we did running dictation outside, which was a nice break from being in the classroom. Funny how some days the vibe is not quite right and other times everyone has a good time. So, it’s good to take it day by day and not stress when the bad ones happen.
After school yesterday, I went to Bruno’s and we went for our usual two circuit walk, to take me over 10,000 steps for the day. We talked about what happened with George last week and I feel OK with it and that it has told me more about him than he tried to imply about me. I also read about how some of us just prefer to be alone and are often criticised by those who are more social. I can accept George for the way he is – I can’t control it and it’s not my place to. It feels like he cannot do the same. So, whatever, as they say.
When I got home, I had a shower and a spoonful of kratom and felt awesome again, though I didn’t make it to my room to practice keyboard and guitar. Hopefully tonight.
What age-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
The most obvious adjustment for me is health-wise, with cutting down on alcohol almost completely and doing more regular exercise. As a slow learner, I finally figured out to start small and build on the habit. Many of us are like that.
Beauty and style-wise, there’s not much of anything since bleaching my hair, giving up on trying to make my pepper hair black. I think I’ve been like this for 5 or more years already. It’s cool to have bleached hair in Thailand, as dark hair is pretty much the norm.
Maybe learning keyboard and guitar can be considered age-related adjustments; some things I now consider possible for me to learn, whereas I didn’t really have the opportunity before.
People aren’t looking for something to read – they’re looking for something they can share with their friends to make it seem like they really care about what’s happening in the world around them.
Nathaniel Malt
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful for our grass-cutting machine which destroys our long grass and my small plants when I’m not careful! If I do a little cutting each day/week, then I can save money on getting a gardener to do it.
15th Aug 2023 – I have become lazy and just let the gardener do it unless it is really out of control and they can’t come for a few days. I’ll cut for about 20 minutes and then give up exhausted!
Amy and I went for a great meal last night at a new Japanese izakaya near the clock tower. The food was yummy, though it made me wish to go to Japan again. I drank a bottle of expensive sake, which had me dizzy after almost the first sip.
When I weighed myself this morning, I was 1.3kg up on yesterday! Back to exercise in the morning again tomorrow!
Trying to push the chattering thoughts about what was said to me on Friday out of my head as I try to defend myself internally from harm. Not easy to submit and let go. I liken George to a fire – warm and comforting yet easy to get burned if you get too close. I wonder about his being Lebanese, which he is always keen to hide, about being raised Christian yet unable to forgive or even understand others, and wonder about being from the Middle East and why it is so fucked up there.
And ultimately wonder about my own prejudices and faults. They are the only things I can change. The only things I can try and change. Stop killing myself.
It cannot be stressed enough that we do not all struggle equally.
David Bauer
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that George finally got off his chest what his problem is with me. It was hurtful but meaningful. It helped me understand more about him as a person.
Been writing so much that all my pens are running out.
Arrived home yesterday feeling good and positive. Unfortunately, Amy wasn’t happy about what happened at school (see yesterday) and blamed it all on me. She thought that I liked hurting myself by continuing to try to talk with George. Perhaps there’s a subconscious element to that but I didn’t feel hurt after reflecting on it. What did not feel good was seeing how it made her feel. I learn slowly and deeply – Amy put doubt back in my mind, whereas I felt strength before. I feel that I can accept that everyone is different but that that feeling is not reciprocated by some. That’s ok too – we can’t expect to get along with everyone. What I must do is go back to basics and consider what I can control and what I can’t. Simple as that.
The more I think about it, the more I’m reminded of my mum and her strength and resolve. Amy asked me if I’m ok without many friends and I am. My friends may not be right here, or be few in number, and I am fine with that. Others are not good with a situation like that, I know. But, like my mum, I am.
Heartbreak is an old friend Let the constant struggle kill you Advice you don’t want to hear Will make your life’s meaning clear
This is a process, not an event Never gain what you wish for Make it clear in your mind There’s no thing for you to find
The poverty that I should be concerned and is the hardest for me, is that of giving up my own plans, ideas, opinions and dreams.
Vivian Warren
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to find the catch for my wallet. It was in the pocket of my purple pants.
We changed our beds around last night – another attempt to try and sleep without fucking up our necks. We flipped the mattresses to the hard side and my neck is pretty good but I woke up often having to switch sides as my down side armlost feeling. I switched a lot, though slept deeply in between.
Got up quickly and worked my legs – which was a little tougher than expected. Felt good afterwards though and threw in a quick meditation which I want to try and do every day again (school days anyway) but may mean getting up at 6 am and not 6.10 am.
Drove to school feeling good and grabbed coffee, listening to the No Means Nothing podcast where hosts analyse Nomeansno songs and it made me realise that they haven’t released an album in almost 20 years and that makes me consider what great music they have made as I still listen to it very often. I can feel more now that they don’t make me as depressed and negative as they used to, so perhaps it was the attitude that I was bringing to it. It made me think about how I have changed.
When I got back to school, George was by himself and I said good morning, to which he mumbled a reply. So I asked him why he doesn’t say good morning to me that set him off. Finally, he’s spat out his feelings, that he wasted his time with a friendship with me and that he has no need to be polite and communicate with me in anyway. He thinks I should be old enough to understand that no one likes me here and I should behave differently. He said he will not be polite with me as it would be fake and he is not fake. I almost choked when I heard that!
To be honest, I mostly just let him talk and just asked him to be polite to me but he continued to refuse. I said he can be polite with everyone else, so why not me? He believes that other teachers’ ‘good morning’s are somehow completely genuine with him. I can see his point of view but I won’t be rude to people, even if I don’t like them – that’s just disrespect.
He is arrogant (towards me at least) and I can feel that it wouldn’t take much for others to get on his wrong side. He’s not happy when people don’t do what he wants. It’s a conditional friendship in his favour, always. It really just confirms what his girlfriend, Bee, told us about him, and how he treated other people before too.
I’m thinking to move up to the Chinese teacher’s room if I’m welcome there – maybe no one likes me there too?
It was pretty exciting at the time all this happened but I didn’t feel upset and went off and had two great classes. Now, I’m in House, drinking coffee and just wanted to get this down. The dreaded Friday afternoon class with 2/10 looms – not sure what I will do with them today, yet. Hooray for the weekend!
Flights of fancy, a child always spoiled Political wrangling, in scandals, embroiled A name in history, now forever soiled
A handy harem, each night to select Behaviour fitting one of total disrespect A country mourning its own death from neglect
Ignorance is the most practised of skills Run away to a mansion in the hills Escaping judgement on who pays the bills
An era ending not soon enough for some Time to reflect on what has become Lower the flags, put flowers in the gun
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to open the curtain this morning to thick fog, almost hiding the rice fields right outside our fence. It’s nice to wake up to cold air sometimes.
I lost it a little bit yesterday as I was saying goodbye to everyone in the teachers’ room and George refused to even acknowledge me. Dylan came outside and I asked him what was going on and he just said that George says I don’t talk to him anymore, so he’s not going to bother talking to me, even just to be polite.
I got pretty defensive at this but let it drop quickly and tried to forget about it. I just hope Dylan can see and understand George’s reactions for what they are but I feel that George will be able to persuade him whichever way he wants. It just feels so childish.
Even if I don’t like people I can still be polite. As I discussed with Bruno last week I’m not here to make friends and have a good time with everyone. I’m here to do a job and I want to do a good job – and I can have a good time doing that.
The opportunity arose to say hello to George today, so I gave him a cheerful ‘good morning’ and got a begrudging ‘hello’ in response. I just smiled under my mask and reminded myself of something I learned from George when he would say ‘I generate the atmosphere I wish to be in.’ Indeed.
I’m chilling in the cafe whilst preparing more work for the coming weeks. I hope these ‘off’ weeks can continue as it gives me lots of time to prepare.
Oh, last night I finished watching a short JTV series called The Queen’s Classroom in which a super tough teacher improves the students in similar ways to myself, though I am not as strict as she is. At the end of the story, the students agree that they will remember their teacher forever – in a good way. I hope that I can have the same influence on my students.
The work they are doing with me this semester will push them hard but I already get a feeling that they are very capable. I never want to underestimate their abilities and possibilities.
Reading the story of Aladdin. I’m only vaguely familiar with this story and I can see it not ending well for Aladdin. So, if I had a jinnee and unlimited wishes, from a lamp or ring, what would I do?
Brother and sisters Our differences are an illusion To overcome our tribalism Is the one correct conclusion The madness of our tribe Forbids us to belong Our cooperation and spirit Forge us together as one
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that my body had the strength to make it through my 30-day lose belly fat workout, even though I only did half of the last day as it has been two weeks since I was sick since I did day 29.
Once again, after a week of opening the school, 11 cases of Covid have been discovered in students. This time though, it appears that the school won’t return to fully online. Just the classes with the infected kids will study online for two weeks. That seems OK but I can’t imagine that there are not going to be more cases, identified or not. None of the classes I teach have a problem but both George and Dylan taught students last week who are now infected.
I sent a message to George as soon as I heard but he didn’t even reply. So weird. As Dylan and Amy have said, he must really hate me not to even respond when I show my concern. Whatever. I will just carry on as normal. I can’t control his actions so I’m not going to get upset by them.
This morning I clocked in and pretty much came straight to House to sit and drink coffee. As I have planned for my students to do work this week instead of having classes, I don’t need to worry myself with arrangements. The only thing I have to consider is that my students motivate themselves to do their work so I will probably spend a fair bit of time chasing them up.
So this morning I caught up on a backlog of emails, Thai study app and wrote a couple of poems. I’ll do a bit of reading today too – The Tale Of Alladin, who I only just learned is actually Chinese.
Tomorrow I can start work on preparing more lessons for future 2/9 classes. I just hope that my classes keep coming to school on alternate weeks and not go back to fully online. I can adapt easily enough but I think everyone, students and teachers, prefer face-to-face teaching.
She grew up in the countryside A daughter of farming folks Nothing much expected of her The butt of the villagers’ jokes
The poverty that surrounded her Made no sense as she grew older And she stopped believing The things that her teachers told her
Revolution in the hearts and minds Consciousness was being raised And the young girl from the village Was now the one being praised
She stood for what she believed To bring her country change And the people stood strong together With a better system to arrange
She saw the source of the problem Came directly from the top Wild plans were being formulated To bring them to stop
Bullets and brains were deployed At times it seemed too hard But soon the house would collapse By removing a single card
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the farmer and his cows eating through the jungle on the other side of our fence.
Gui has got me onto a different he calls Dirty. Cold milk, a teaspoon of cream and an overextracted shot of coffee. I’ve taken to it. It’s a little more expensive but I think I will drink less. Let’s see!
In one of my classes (2/9 – the good class!) yesterday we were talking about democracy and dictatorships and I explained that our class was a dictatorship but then I started thinking about the Montessori schools and how their classes are often like a democracy.
I might try this with this class next semester – I think there are enough smart students in the class to make it work and it could be fun. I’ll try to read up on how teachers work in those classes.
Amy has been getting busier with her cake-making (cinnamon bun making) and I told her yesterday how proud I was of her skills and abilities.
We had also been talking about what happened with George last week and I had been thinking about why it upsets me. Amy keeps talking about when we invited him and Bee to stay at our house and Bee saying what a big deal it was for him so he obviously had some expectation for our friendship after that but I said, ‘That’s the thing. I feel like I trusted this person as sincere and honest and now I feel like I’ve been tricked and made a fool of.’ And we realise that this was exactly what had happened with Amy and Bebe all those years ago.
Bebe sucked Amy in with so many nice words but only to manipulate the friendship in her favour. I saw it easily and immediately with Bebe but I was fooled by George.
We live and learn and I’m happy enough with the friends in my life, whether they are close or not.
1994ever 