Amid grief, it seems easy to find words to comfort others, yet a struggle to find them for yourself. This poem was somewhat inspired by this write from Carol Anne at Therapy Bits
Empty Chest – 17th October 2025
Tag: grief
I’ve got an empty chest
Seeing Clearly – 2nd June 2025
All the echoes call back to me
Drowning in their history
Their insistent beauty I may not see
Clearly today
The curses that come to visit me
With shocking desolate energy
The daily dying, the sacrifice I see
Clearly today
The grief that roars up at me
Spins a subtle trajectory
Finally, its emptiness I see
Clearly today
Inspired by The Red Hand Files #317
See Me Dead – 3rd August 2024
I want to see the grief expressed
Hear the kind words manifest
Let me celebrate the life I led
To become immortal now I’m dead
You don’t need to shed those tears
I got to enjoy so many years
But being gone is a long, long time
Don’t forget me and what was mine
What wishes made, to have been said
Or ones wished retracted instead
Look on my legacy for what it’s worth
You’ll too join me soon, returned to earth
You and me, will all be forgot
Ladies and gentlemen, that’s your lot!
Inspired by reading others’ poems about grief at dVerse this week and the idea of wanting to know how others feel about you once you are gone, much like my teenage student, who, after attempting suicide, said that she wanted to see her mother’s reaction once she was gone!
Today I’m feeling:
Tired and a little sick with a sore throat. I slept for almost twelve hours and crawled back in again at around 11 am, after a couple of coffees.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy told me that she was talking to a village auntie (the cowman’s wife) over the fence this morning and asked if I was teaching at CRPAO. Amy said yes and the auntie said that her son is in grade 8 and that even though I don’t teach him, she has heard that I’m a good and kind teacher.
That was nice to hear.
The best thing about today was:
Eating some nice food at Bruno and Nut’s place this evening. Even though I was feeling a little tired and sick, I enjoyed eating, talking and listening with them.
Something I learned today?
I watched an interesting video about a new DAW in development called Blockhead. Even though I don’t even use the DAWs that I have, I would still be interested in the idea of playing with them one day.
Red Dress – 22nd November 2023
The last time you looked at me
Your eyes were pleading
‘I don’t know what’s happening
And I don’t like it’
We waited for each other
But were never able to see again
Your world in a plastic bag
That will still end up in landfill
And survive for ten thousand years
The relentless tide offers little comfort
Except that it will be there tomorrow
But I’ll never wear this red dress again.
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good but the headache from coughing is still annoying. I think it will hang around for a couple more weeks so it’s just a case of soldiering. People are sympathetic with each other at school though as everyone is coughing, sneezing or has lost their voice.
Today I’m grateful for:
Tim from Chocolat Frog for messaging me to introduce me to their new album which I had already downloaded anyway. Listening and enjoying it right now.
The best thing about today was:
Being pleased with the engagement with both my classes today. They were a pleasure and everyone did well. Maybe the little bit of support I gave yesterday helped. Let’s see if we can keep it up until the end of the week!
Something I learned today?
For some reason the app for ThaiPod101 doesn’t include the flashcards which is disappointing as I’ve found them a useful tool. With a bit of fiddling around though I discovered how to import them into Duo Cards so I’ll use that to reinforce what I learn during the TP101 lessons.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I offered a wish of better health to Kru Ren who has been struggling with some kind of flu for more than a month already and today complained of losing his sense of taste.
I congratulated the students who got into the programs they applied for and commiserated with those that didn’t.
Three Rivers – 7th June 2023
Stepping into the river of joy
I’m held high with its pleasure
Even taken up to the heavens
Where our gods now take their leisure
Dragged along in the river of grief
The weight forever bearing down
Can I push my toes against the mud
Swirling dark yellow and brown?
Rowing around the river of need
Searching for a friend and destination
Sometimes smooth, sometimes wild
Within an insatiable compellation
inspired by Red Hand Files #248 (I think)
Today I’m feeling:
Good all day. Nothing got in my way. No annoying students, no annoying adults. Not even the crappy coffee in the school cafe could get me down as I rose with the caffeine hit.
Today I’m grateful for:
One of my new M4 (grade 10) students asking me if I would still be teaching her class next year. I said I didn’t think so but didn’t know for sure. She said she wanted me to teach her next year too! I’ve been teaching her for three weeks! Sometimes I wonder exactly how these kids see me through all their different eyes. I’m grateful to all of them for all that they teach me.
The best thing about today was:
Amongst many things, the clouds and sun on the mountains as I was driving home this afternoon. Huge white sunlit clouds towered above lower-level rain clouds across the mountain tops and then some valleys were highlighted with sunshine reminding me of a Miyazaki anime, all topped with a fan of rays further into the blue skies up high. Just six or so weeks ago all this looked like a nuclear winter and now it is magical. What you see has a big effect on mental health.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve been getting parents’ email addresses from my class’s homeroom teacher if they would like an email to see how their children are doing in my class. I got information quickly and easily from a couple of teachers but another tried to palm me off perhaps not quite understanding what I wanted.
When I asked them again today they told me that most of their parents don’t have email addresses which is just a plain untruth and indicates to me that they just can’t be bothered or don’t want to help.
Maybe they are concerned that parents will start asking them more about their own classes. I know the teachers here are given ridiculous tasks to do all the time so sometimes it doesn’t surprise me that their focus is on themselves and not the students.
It’s also true that many parents of students at this school don’t care about their kid’s work or how they are doing. One annoying foreign teacher isn’t going to fix everything. But I’ll settle for anything.
Something I learned today?
I saw a review of the Apple Vision Pro headset which looks pretty interesting with some amazing technology. It’s not something that I would buy right now but perhaps after it got to a later generation and fitted in with what I would like a computer to do. Being able to read a comic or book just by moving your eyes would be cool. As it develops I’m sure more exciting uses will come to light for it.
What do I know for sure?
Honestly, the only thing I am sure of is that I’m going to die, everyone and every living thing I know too. Anything else is up for question.
What qualities do I want to embody in my daily life?
Honesty, caring, love, gratitude, understanding, empathy, kindness….all the words from all the self-help books.
A Bigger Prison – 19th May 2023
Once the walls are escaped
And feet touch on new ground
A new reality ignites to show
That nothing new is found
The banging drum is heard afar
But the beat remains the same
On the horizon new walls to scale
In between remains the game
Today I’m feeling:
Positive, almost sincerely happy.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s dad who came to fix the back door. Unfortunately, his definition of fixing didn’t quite match ours and he just nailed two bits of wood not just across the door but across the frame too making it unusable. His reasoning was to leave it like that until Amy gets back to find a replacement door. I still need to use the door though! But I’m still grateful he came and tried to help.
The best thing about today was:
Hanging out with all the English program students in the morning and having fun with them.
At one point Kru Mai introduced all the teachers around the room and when it came to me there was a big cheer around the room from my students which made me feel really good.
I also talked a little with the ‘weird’ teacher Ren that I mentioned yesterday and he seems really cool.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I didn’t go to sleep until late last night and also woke up during the night so I ended up snoozing my alarm and skipping any workout. That’s ok. I’m still working my way into my daily workday routine and don’t want to push it.
One Less Star – 12th May 2023
The light has gone out
The night sky one less star
Aimlessly shuffling about
Wondering just where you are
Left alone to ponder
Bereft of the joy of tomorrow
Blinkered as I wander
Drowning in all this sorrow
31st Jul 2024 – Submitted to dVerse – grief
Today I’m feeling:
A bit more upbeat and lively today. I ended up having a reasonable sleep last night though woke up before my alarm. A quick workout and a cold shower got me going and I ended up at House preparing lessons for about three hours without feeling tired or bored.
Today I’m grateful for:
Eventually realising I could take the covers off the sofa cushions that have cat spray on them and I was able to wash them. Why didn’t I realise this before!?
The best thing about today was:
Getting in the zone whilst putting together lessons this morning at House. I ended up drinking three coffees whilst I was there. I’m starting to look forward to being back in the classroom.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I didn’t manage to finish writing this on Friday as I got distracted by reading comics instead. I’m handling it by updating here on Saturday morning.
Some days are tough to write. Somehow the feeling is that nothing is important. Everything is just time wasted until it’s your turn to die. Yet still I strive. Because not all days feel like that. I sometimes envy happy people, funny people, warm inviting people. But it’s impossible for me to put on the act that would be required for me to be like that. I try to be sincere and true to myself. I want my brain to tell me I’m happy. Sometimes it works.
Something I learned today?
I saw a preliminary student list and thankfully most of the classes will have fewer students than last year and my M4 class (15/16-year-olds) only has 16 and 14 of them are girls. That class is looking like it will be a breeze.
7th June 2023 – I just finished a lesson with this class, which now only has 15 students as one boy left. It is indeed a breeze even though there are only two students with reasonable English. The rest are mature enough not to fuck it for everyone and they struggle through.
What was a small detail I noticed today?
I ate a tube of Pringles today and as neared the end I thought that I could use the tube to make a little birdhouse by cutting a hole in it. There are birds nesting everywhere around our house and there’s a spot between the panels and the roof I can put the tube and see if they go inside. They already have a bit of a messy nest up there and it would be fun to see if they adopt themselves into this new home.
7th June 2023 – They haven’t used it so far, preferring their mess of dried grass instead.
Failure Porn World – 6th May 2023
Everyone is looking for a laugh
To put a smile on their face
In an upside-down world
Digging down is the safest place
Pick ourselves up by putting down
Cut down all the tall poppies
Misfortune brings us all together
So that’s what everyone copies
Fortune cookie philosophers rant
How to make a million dollars
But the need for the dopamine rush
Will never make us into scholars
A promise one day it could be you
That is the star of the show
Turnover is high in failure porn world
Clicked over to the next video
29th Nov 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – failure
Today I’m feeling:
Hot. It’s hot. This is Thailand. What did I expect? The aircon stopped working in the bedroom last night and the temperature never dropped below 28 degrees. I slept fine though. Tonight I may have to sleep with the window open and have the fan next to it, weakly sucking in cooler air from the night. In the meantime, I have to contact someone to come and fix the machine.
Today I’m grateful for:
My portable hard drives that allow me to save and move files around from one place to another. When my crusty cranky old MBP stopped recognizing one of the drives I was able to swap things around and get things running again with a freshly formatted drive. I think I may be at the point now where I just don’t need any more drives. I’ve slowed down my music consumption a lot recently and I have too many movies to ever have enough time to watch.
The best thing about today was:
A general feeling of well-being. Perhaps the only thing that really stood out was riding back from Utopia and going on a convoluted path home. The sun’s heat was like a blanket around my skin with the breeze being just enough to stop feeling crispy. I slowed down a little to savour the feeling. The mountains looked like a photograph from the 70s, all washed out due to the hazy air, enough blue sky shimmering through from above to highlight the depth.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It was time to start a new book whilst sipping coffee at Utopia so I had a quick scan of the shelves at home. I use my Utopia time to read music biographies or music-related books. Yesterday I finished Dave Simpson’s The Fallen. Now it was a choice between SNFU or Rollins Broken Summers. I opted for the latter. As I start reading I get back into Henry’s groove quickly and easily. He’s a maniac. I respect his attitude a lot. I see parallels with myself in his words though I’m totally softcore in comparison.
As I keep reading I realise I’ve read this before and not too long ago. I wonder whether to ditch it and swap it tomorrow. However, the strength of the writing keeps me intent to follow along as he prepares for another tour of duty. I feel compelled to bring his attitude back into my thinking as I prepare for my own lovely little war in the classroom over the next couple of weeks. I need to get back to some discipline. Cut the flabby excesses of lethargy.
Something I learned today?
I’ve seen a few videos of people telling jokes to make each other laugh and if they do they lose a point or take a drink or similar punishment. Sometimes they are fun to watch. One popped up and the thumbnail looked like a guy I vaguely knew back in Sydney so I watched it and sure enough, Rodney Todd in all his afro-hairy glory!
What is something I can’t live without?
There’s nothing beyond air, food and water. Without other things, life would certainly be uncomfortable. It’s like people who lose everything in house fires, they find that their lives still go on. I’m thinking about Kim Chi today and how sad I still feel about losing her. But here I am.
The Tree Bows To The Water – 30th April 2023
Today is a party, tomorrow is a wake
That’s the way we all go, make no mistake
We’ll raise a fist to the big blue sky
And give a significance as to why
Some of us will bend and some of us will break
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good today though a little subdued due to it being a cloudy day. What is it about blue skies that make us feel happy?
Today I’m grateful for:
These Mentos soda mix candies that I chew on each evening for the last week. I love the mouthwatering fizz they give me. Can’t stop my sweet tooth.
The best thing about today was:
Eating a big juicy mango that I bought at the local market yesterday. It was so big that I got tired of eating it. I managed to eat it all though. I have another stashed away for tomorrow. They were just 38 baht for both.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Talking with Hayden again today and he was still down and depressed. I encouraged him as much as I could but worried a little about him. I texted with Bronwyn and hopefully, we can both guide him to getting past it again. Hayden is a sensitive person. Whatever the reason for his feelings and actions I have to try and help him.
Something I learned today?
I found out that the Internet Archive is being sued for copyright infringement. It looks like they violated some laws around books being copied and loaned digitally. I think they are in the wrong but at the same time, I don’t want their business to get affected as there are so many more worthwhile parts of their online presence such as the web archive and legitimate historic music and fanzine files.
What were the highlights of this past month?
There have only been lowlights this month, unfortunately. I look forward to having highlights again one day.
Idle Idol – 27th April 2023
He’s a girl and she’s a boy
Both of them a producers toy
Under makeup and bright lights
The manufactured product fights
A name that is soon forgotten
A past that’s found to be rotten
Fans are either for or against
It’s impossible to sit on the fence
If there are brains behind the mask
Showing it may be too much to ask
Flooded with undeserved affection
Failing to pass closer inspection
So idols get what they deserve
A fame that is unable to preserve
And so idle under adulation
Until another steps up to the station
Today I’m feeling:
Ok. My neck is super sore from not moving it much for a month. I did a mini warm-up this morning and will try to make it a little longer each day to prepare for my usual wake-up routine. I know this makes me feel better but just can’t motivate myself during the holiday.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding salad today at the walking market. It was pretty good though a little different to the one I usually get. For some reason, I’ve been wanting for salad recently. I think my normal seller may have given up because it’s been so long since I’ve seen them. Business is tough out there and everyone is trying to make their baht.
The best thing about today was:
Cap has spent most of the day with me and I’ve been grooming him and cutting his dreadlocks. His hair feels gorgeous again as does Tig’s, I think because of the special gel that we used to feed Kim to help counter her leukaemia.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I don’t feel there was anything today. If there was something I must have handled it without thinking and accepted it as reality.
Something I learned today?
I came across a video to help getting students to quiet down and concentrate in the classroom. I’m thinking I will try the Simon Says technique where I can bring the whole class back to focus by saying ‘Simon says stand up’ and the kids paying attention will do it and the kids that aren’t will want to know what’s going on. I also need to drill them with this in the first week so they get used to it. I hope I have better control this year. Over myself and the students.
What is my favourite photo of the past month?
With the bad air and the tragic start to this month, my mind focused a lot on pictures of Kim and they still make me sad to look at. But looking through the pictures I can see that there are still some nice ones there. Ones I will appreciate in time.
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