Quick one because want to do longer meditation. Woke up at 4:30 – hard to sleep. Tired now. Rub my stomach – left-hand side tender. Happy.
Hayden wants a face tattoo. Why? Will further isolate himself. Hope he doesn’t do that. Ugh.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have the opportunity to sit and enjoy conversations with people I like.
To-do list
Film story in canteen – have fun ✅
Silent wishes – compliments – savour ✅
‘Thank you’ mantra and meditation exercises ½
Edit and schedule two blog posts ½
Plan tenzenmen Google site?
I enjoyed today though have been worrying about Hayden a little as he was talking about getting a face tattoo! Now, in theory, I have no objection to this but I think he cannot reasonably justify doing such a thing. Of course, he tried to justify it but it’s not reasonable. He is low in confidence and self-esteem and wants to push everything away from him.
It’s one thing to say that people shouldn’t judge you by your looks and if they do then they’re not worth knowing – but that is also a judgement back on those people. It would immediately cut off so many future possibilities.
I felt good again and had fun with the student teachers making a small video and planned for some more audio recording tomorrow. It was an entertaining and happy day.
Sweaty workout with the aircon. Poor Deep Turtle poster, how much longer can it live? – the shelf isn’t straight – the torn poster is straight but torn! Kneeling to write, sweaty workout for five mins, five mins is it enough? My muscles ache so don’t push it. Remember two things today – check Aing’s grammar and… What’s the other thing – my brain is forgetting more easily. Old or painkillers – it’s okay I’m okay. My toenails annoy me for some reason, I want them as short as possible – what are they for? Remnant monkey claws. Books I want to read. Read and read, get lost in those worlds. I think the other thing I want to remember is to do that introductory lesson for English revision. Sitting now, kneeling was uncomfortable, should do at a desk but desk is cluttered. Should write quicker in cursive but even less legible than this, doesn’t matter – tomorrow cursive, see if I remember – thumbs ache – When to study Thai Drops? This task is to empty brain and meditate – maybe should do before my five-minute workout – experiment with schedule. Coffee, sudden thought of coffee at Eat and Sleep. 80.8 kg today, it’s okay but want to stay permanently under 80 kg – exercise – no beer! Books, books, books – stomach okay today – situps – let’s do some. Okay so done empty brain?! Meditate.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to go to Baralee this morning and enjoy the relaxing environment with coffee and friends.
To-do list
Study Drops in the morning
Make your own teacher video for media lesson
Work on Lesson 1 – English review ✅
Call Bronwyn and find out how she is ½
As I was going through my morning routine I realised that I should do the Drops study first so I didn’t end up doing it this morning. That’s ok – things fall into place.
We got given a new video to make on Friday so that kinda threw out some plans but I remembered I had something that I could use from Anuban but the files were at home so I just carried on and finished off a couple of other things and will do the video planning tomorrow instead.
Bronwyn wasn’t online so I just sent her a message.
A relaxing day at work all round. There are a very few students around and that is reminding me that they will all be back at some point and the real challenge is waiting for me. having all this time to prepare though is very handy.
Tomorrow I will be able to include Drops into my routine in the morning and have set my alarm for 5 minutes earlier. It’s light at 5.30 am already, it’s sometimes hard to stay fully asleep until my alarm goes off – especially with the cats wanting to get in and out.
Tomorrow I also will try to talk more with some of the other teachers that I don’t really know well yet. Everyone seems to be getting along and there’s no feeling of ‘them and us’ that I had in Primary or at Anuban. It’s strange! I hope it remains like this.
Music from Magma, Sir Millard Mulch, Big Grump, Chemicals Made From Dirt, Vulk, El Rass, Les Baxter, Converge, Pile, Djang San, Honeymoon Killers, Monkees, The Misunderstood, Half Man Half Biscuit, Bondage Fruit, Moving Targets, 2227.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and thankful to George and Bee to be good friends we have made in Chiang Rai.
Those who don’t pay attention to their own thoughts and know their own minds are bound to be unfulfilled in life.
Donald Robertson
To-do list
Contemplate your death ½
Upload and record TCRAH ✅
Enjoy teaching today (stay in the moment) ½
WDS spreadsheet
Card for Tian ✅
My belly was giving me trouble today due to the chilli and alcohol mix last night. Despite that, the day passed happily enough. I even managed to ‘meditate’ for 30 minutes. I put the word in quotes as I wasn’t fully able to calm my mind, though I did relax and feel better after it.
In the morning I was quite tense but I think it was the effect of the coffee. Usually, I’m ok but not this morning.
I struggled through making another TCRAH episode but I persevered and did it. I was quite happy with myself.
I did, at various times during the day, remind myself that I may die at any time and I felt a strange feeling in my chest that focused me back in the moment. However, it merely reminded me of all the many things I want to get sorted in my room and I soon started back on that.
Tomorrow I will go and play basketball with Bruno. I hope that it will give me an opportunity for discussion about our views on life and maybe offer each other advice on our lives. Bruno is an emotional Italian and can get overexcited about things. He reminds me of me sometimes.
Whilst hanging with George gives me a positive energy boost he can also be somewhat relentless. Bruno may be a little in the negative direction and it’s not the way I prefer to go. However, it will remind me that the world is about balance.
The cacophony of modern life also stops us from listening. The acoustics in restaurants can make it difficult, if not impossible, for diners to clearly hear one another. Offices with an open design ensure every keyboard click, telephone call and after-lunch belch make for constant racket. Traffic noise on city streets, music playing in shops and the bean grinder at your favourite coffeehouse exceed the volume of normal conversation by as much as 30 decibels, and can even cause hearing loss.
Kate Murphy (New York Times, Talk Less, Listen More)
First, please quiet the noise in my head.
The events of this past week have put me in a spin. Even as the sadness recedes somewhat, images pop up randomly, memories flicker; a pre-tear feeling appears in my chest and throat but is soon countered by my rationality and tucked back away.
While my mind wanders less there is a lack of clarity around my thoughts. A directionless, purposeless meandering. This is a different feeling to the one I was experiencing previously. Where I could sit in my class and concentrate with students running, shouting and screaming. Now it drives me crazy.
All this adds up to limit my engagement, to cloud my listening ability. I can hear but I’m not listening.
Listening is a difficult skill to master. Made even more complicated by the sound-byte outrages of social media culture. I don’t feel that I have ever been able to listen properly. I want to practice the quietening of my own thoughts and be more fully engaged, whether in conversation, in watching videos and movies and to attempt that euphoric emotion when really listening to music.
I keep reminding myself to talk less, to shut up a little. Not to jump into what I want to say, to make my point or to win the argument. Just listen. And think.
Damn, this was hard to write today. It’s probably reflected in the scattered approach and execution. But every day I accept the challenge. Put words down on paper. Get thoughts out. Think, until clarity.
Hello and welcome to inconclusive arguments in today’s conference we have a psychologist, a guru, an athlete, a freak, a scientist, a dictator, an anarchist, a mass murderer, a composer, a human vegetable, and a complete outsider. let’s open the discussion with you, er huh what gives? that look of revelation on the athlete’s face – the complete outsider is the centre of attention – just what is the human vegetable doing to the psychologist, the freak is eating the mass murderer, o my god terrifying vistas of reality and our position therein are being opened up to us all, this is the worst thing that’s happened to mankind and in the studio they’ve opted for a new dark age but your commentator has gone stark staring mad.
New Dark Age by Rudimentary Peni
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have put myself on a better path. It’s a struggle but it will be worth it.
To-do list
Speak less – listen more – do not complain ½
Write a blog post ✅
Check George’s lesson plan again ✅
Do body scan and breathing concentration ½
WOOP ✅
A slightly disrupted day lessons-wise but at least it meant I only really taught one lesson so it was very easy.
I took some time to read before we went out for dinner and then later meeting Bee and George. Had a few drinks together but got the feeling that everyone was a little too tired to really relax and fully enjoy the night. I, myself, really struggled to get some thoughts out on the blog and I was writing about how confusing and unclear my thinking has been since Kimi passed.
I also started reading more about the Stoic contemplation of death which is something more on my mind now.
And now, slightly hungover, it’s a little difficult to find words.
Today I will attempt to remind myself that I may die tonight in an effort to push myself back into the moment.
I am so happy and grateful for the opportunity to apply to a new school today. I’m hopeful I can make a good impression
Within that head of yours is all the reason and intelligence you need. Make sure your mind is in charge, not your emotions.
Daily Stoic Journal
To-do list
Print out the InFocus lesson plan content ✅
Listen and take notes at the interview ✅
Better prepare for Bruce’s lesson (30 mins) ✅
Check stoicism units on FB ✅
Write a blog post
I felt pretty good going into today and even getting thrown an extra class suddenly didn’t bother me too much.
The morning flew by enjoyably enough and the interview at CRPAO went well and then chatted with George for a couple of hours so by the time I got home I was feeling pretty good.
I still occasionally think about Kimi and it almost brings a tear to my eye (even as I write this now) but I understand that there is nothing I can do about this. I can acknowledge the feeling and carry on.
Whilst my mind has been a bit less scattered these last two days I still feel a little less clear and focussed. I think the possibilities of a new workplace can help me refocus and brush out some cobwebs.
I really want to pursue the meditation practice more fully as I believe that could have the biggest benefit for me. My mind is always full of things – I’d like there to be a little less going on in there.
Tomorrow, I think I will be happy and positive and looking forward to the weekend – as busy as it might be.
It’s amazing how one emotional event can soon be overshadowed by a larger one therefore putting the first into more perspective. On Friday I fought for what I believed and ended up in a cloud of destructive self doubt. On Saturday it all became irrelevant.
I try to clear my mind. Breathe in and breathe out. Focus on it. Thoughts come charging, running across my imagination. Focus. Re-focus. But they come too quickly, from all sides. Emotions rising from my belly, adding to the darkness inside.
I started writing a diary in 1994 after my best friend Steve Burgess passed away aged only 23. I kept that up for the year that saw me move from England to Australia. I continued writing bits and pieces over the years and then in 2018 I decided to start this blog and document another transition moving from Australia to Thailand. The final move date was decided by my mother’s passing in February 2019.
Now I have to write again about another best friend passing away, this time not significant of anything. Just another Saturday. He was 36 years old.
I’m shocked and devastated. I don’t have many people I would consider as close friends and now another has gone. Rationally I know it happens, it happens to everyone. Everyone you know will be gone. Everyone you love. But I’m not feeling rational again yet. Just let me be like this for a while. I’ll be ok.
I love you Kimi.
I’m starting to see why people find comfort in religion. Their faith counters our natural fear of death. If it all boils down, that is all it is. And that’s fine. I have to learn to deal with my fear of death by living now. The fear of death should make us happy.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I have the chance to make another day count.
To-do list
Passwords for Amy ✅
Investigate emotional control ½
Be nice to people you don’t like
Go to gym after work
Look at G’s lesson plans ✅
I got through school today in a bit of a blur but it was OK. Asikin messaged me and told me how Kimi died and I decided to go and visit in a couple of weeks time.
I’m thinking a little differently about teaching now and trying not to let the kids bother me. If they don’t want to learn, then forget about it. I’ll try my best but I will try not to let them affect me.
Tomorrow I will try to read more about emotional control – what I read today was OK but a bit superficial. My self-control was tested with the kids but I didn’t lose it, even though I sometimes had to raise my voice to be heard.
I learned today that bad feelings don’t have to last a long time and I can make the choice about it.
There’s a vast difference between the habit of getting by, and the habit of getting better.
This switch from the old way was easy of course, because in the meantime I’d become an adult—I’m running a far more capable system, I just hadn’t thought to update the software.
-Raptitude newsletter
As I sit writing this at lunchtime, I am surrounded by 40 children in the classroom, running back and forth, banging tables, experimenting with musical instruments, attempting homework or chewing on sugary candies. Each shouting over each other to be heard, some making fun, some making fists, some making affections. Some dance, some pull faces, and some express themselves quietly in their own minds before releasing a newfound energy burst that no one cares to notice.
Why can’t I practice this now? Where did my time go? Why does the weight of responsibility bear down on me now? Why do we grow up and what does it mean?
There’s a balance to be found somewhere within your own personal timeline. Do not close the mind off, do not become the old fogey that doesn’t understand the kids today and complains that the music isn’t what it used to be. You’ve had your turn, so what are you going to do now?
You need to upgrade your software. The hardware will continue to fail at a more rapid rate and software is the only way to deal with this problem. Otherwise, you will become redundant and end up dusty on a garage shelf, waiting for recycling one day.
Forever entropy
I got by for a long time. Instead of doing proper software upgrades, I tinkered randomly and blindly with the code. I put them off for as long as possible in a vain effort to maintain an ideal of youth. But youth is clumsy, ugly, grasping for meaning in a darkened room, grasping for skin in a passion of tears.
The light at the end of the tunnel ever approaches – we know one day we will see the light. Let’s get better – this is no time to be getting by.
……and all he did was cry I looked him in the face, but I couldn’t see past his eyes Asked him what the problem was, he says “Here is your disguise”
Husker Du – Hardly Getting Over It
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful that I am still alive today. Many of us didn’t make it this far.
To-do list
Meditate and remember Kimi ✅
Tidy up (and move?) room ✅
Write down list of passwords for Amy
Hang up the bells somewhere ✅
Many positive affirmations today ½
Today was a struggle. I knew Amy was right when she was telling me not to cancel my classes today but it still sucked. I have an empty space in my stomach, a constant hole, sickly and void.
Teaching did take my mind off things and I did feel more reasonable afterwards but when I tried to meditate I could not stop my mind from wandering, not even hearing the words of the meditation. I am not looking forward to school tomorrow though know that the distraction will be helpful.
This tragic event puts the stupidity of the schools into perspective. They are not worth my time bothering about.
I talked with Parthiban online and I will try to do more things with him in the future. He was very close with Kimi too and is in the same shock. I will also think about going to Kimi’s funeral and helping Asikin with anything that I can. I talked with Thiban about maybe finishing off any projects that Kimi was in the middle of.
All the things that I have been studying and learning have been thoroughly tested this weekend. I see my biggest issue is over emotional control and I think I will look for more ways to try and improve that. All these ideas have been useless if I can’t utilise them when the time comes
Music from 65daysofstatic, Stormy Six, The Controllers, Kerosene 454, Jawbreaker, Die! Die! Die!, Death, Minutemen, Beefeater, Red Cross, Necros, Hanadensha, Versus, Au Pairs, The Paper Chase, Blast, Soul Inc.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to see my friend Fern again.
Take a good hard look at people’s ruling principle, especially of the wise, what they run away from, and what they seek out.
Marcus Aurelius
Weight: 80.3kg Resting heart rate: 44
To-do list
Record TCRAH/upload. ½
Put together card for Kru Noon.
Do more drawing practice.
Do the Coursera meditation. ✅
Enjoy evening with Amy, Aing and Gus.
Well, looking at these five challenges it seems like I didn’t do much yesterday!
I did spend a bit more time reading as I was diving into the book about a girl’s abduction and trying to imagine myself in her position. I wanted to try to write down being there and all the thoughts going through my mind.
Later, I compared it with being a prisoner within your own mind – a place we can never escape.
I sorted out more CDs and feel that that task is getting closer to completion.
By the evening and time to go out, I was feeling very relaxed and happy.
As we were driving to the evening festival Amy got upset because I didn’t drive the way, the direction, she wanted. Her anger got more and more and I felt very embarrassed in front of Aing, Gus and Nu. There was no real need for it and I tried to brush it off as best I could.
Unfortunately, I was only able to do this for a short time until I felt sadness and anger too. I had to go and sit by myself for 5 minutes and calm my mind. I felt better when I returned but by then I was exhausted. Amy had a few beers and was happy though I was worried that she would drink too much and start getting violent with me again.
Things were ok though Amy was getting louder and I just felt like I wanted to be somewhere quiet. The noise of the festival was relentless, from every direction and incoherent. It gave me a headache. I tried to constantly talk myself in a positive headspace but it just got worse as Amy loudly tried to put me down in front of the others again. I couldn’t/didn’t want to have an argument in front of others and Amy knew this and used it to her advantage.
We got home and things had calmed down until Amy came and started on me again. I was tired and cranky by this point and bit back and we went to sleep unhappy with each other. I feel like there is something else behind this behaviour, not just a desire to try and control me.
I’d like to talk with Amy about this but will have to find the right time and try not to just get into another argument.
Something else that has been bothering me is Amy always talking about how all the money is with her and everything is in her name. At first, it was just a bit of fun but I’m not amused anymore. It feels like a fascist hold over me. I’m ok for her to take care of all that stuff but I don’t need reminding of it every week.
Again, I think Amy is not happy these days and doing these actions to compensate. I’d just like to see her happy and positive again – preferably without alcohol.
“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.” —MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 11.18.5b
I’ve never been a manly man. Well, I say that, though I can remember trying to be one from about ages 11-14. Then I started getting bullied a bit at school and realised I wasn’t ever going to be a strong boy physically.
Not me but you get the idea…
I retreated into my mind but taking resentment and bitterness there. I filled myself with seething hatred for everything around me, confusing what I considered personal injustice with larger injustices of the world. Everything was against us. It was us and them, whoever us was and whoever they were.
I dove head first into the moshpits of punk rock. Besides my mother, punk really was a rock for me to hold on to. Sometimes I clung too tight but eventually I found my way.
Justice and fairness are still amongst my top character strengths, thankfully along with curiousity and gratitude – those two came later.
These days I’m trying to calm my mind to bring some inner peace but the tunes of yesterday still rattle around from dawn to dusk. This inner noise is it’s own sort of peace, it’s familiarity calming, the anger gone.
Man is spelt big M.A.N. it’s the letters of the law, Man is spelt big M.A.N. that’s who the law is for.
– Crass
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the supportive teachers around me. They have helped me cover a lesson today and it was easy to stand once I found the right person to talk with.
You can’t learn what you think you already know.
Epictetus (paraphrase)
To-do list
Arrange someone to manage the class I miss. ✅
Make another blog post around an article. ✅
Ride bike to get a haircut.
More Coursera/another DIY article. ½
WDS – follow up on BKK and Yogya shows. ½
I’m starting to feel comfortable and relaxed at school. Able to deal with unexpected conditions, which seem to arise often. I still feel connected with the students but not so intensely involved. I will do what I can for them and try to prepare a good plan for them for learning but I’m going to over-invest my time, even though I do really love to push myself and always think to do the very best I can.
Without the pressure and expectations from the school for continuing with them next semester I am enjoying all the situations, good and bad, and I realise now that this is how I should try to feel all the time at work.
It’s just occurred to me this idea in opposition, of being a very organised person and having to work in a very disorganised environment. Instead of a strict organisation of ideas for lessons, I should have an outline plan and then be ready and organised for disruption. So, a good solid base to work from and then prepared to add on to it. Work smarter.
I talked a little bit with Kevin today and he was surprised at my involvement in music.
I also managed to complete deleting about 90% of my ‘friends’ on Facebook. Most of them are unnecessary for my day-to-day and if either I or they wish to connect again for any reason we are still able to but I’d like to think of myself using Facebook as opposed to Facebook using me. Communicating in short sound bytes is not effective and nuanced, becomes frustrating and just making me anxious about useless things.
I want to concentrate more on writing on my blog – that gives me a deeper satisfaction. It’s not particularly important if anyone sees it or not – I just want to go through the process, forge a habit, think better and ultimately feel better.
I am so happy and grateful to my Mum for all her hard work. She loved her work making knitwear. I am so happy and grateful to all the partners in my life, those who helped me grow one way or another. I am so happy and grateful to all my work colleagues, even though I didn’t get involved so much in their lives I could still learn things from them, whether I liked them or not.
…a limit of time is fixed for you and if you do not use it for clearing away the clouds from your mind, it will go and you will go with it and it will never return.
Marcus Aurelius
To-do list
Go out and enjoy time with Amy ✅
Meditate in my room ✅
Cut up stickers, put some up in the city ½
Go to gym
Random act of kindness
The day disappeared so quickly after taking the opportunity to sleep in until 8 am.
I enjoyed time in my room in the morning, then teaching in the afternoon and Amy and I had a great time in the city despite how tired I was.
I’m not sure how I’ll feel tomorrow but I should only have one lesson to teach in the afternoon anyway.
1994ever 