Tag: now

Ritual Of Panic – 6th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There’s no rest for the wicked
And no rest for those of virtue
Adrift in a world that never sleeps
The feeling of dread is gonna get you

Gasps of dismay at faint sleights
A skin now brittle and thin
This ritual of panic has become
The default state to be in

Today I’m feeling:

Relaxed as no classes today but maybe too relaxed as I’m sleepy.

Today I’m grateful for:

The wide variety of food available especially on market days like today. I got some deep-fried fish with riceberry rice and chopped unripe mango covered with chilli fish sauce. My mouth is watering as I’m writing this!

The best thing about today was:

Sitting in House for 3 hours drinking coffee and adding blog entries, finishing off the old diary with my gig list.

Tomorrow I start adding 1983 entries and consider figuring out other gigs I went to after 1992 which is when I stopped writing them down.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing has needed to be completely in my control today. It has passed by reasonably uneventfully!

Something I learned today?

The French live 6 years longer than Americans on average and work fewer hours and produce one-third more than the British. I’m not sure how this was calculated, or even true, but I’m siding with the French against my own birthplace!

What do you think gets better with age?

I’m going to treat this as what gets better as I age and that is wisdom. As it should. There’s something wrong if you are not getting wiser.

I took this picture because the dry winter has ignited a growth spurt in our cactuses. They are going crazy.

The weekend disappeared in some kind of rush of nothing in particular.
Domestication took over as I cleaned up around the house as Aing and Now arrived on Sunday morning and I should at least make everything presentable somehow.
And the biggest chore at the moment is watering the garden daily as it is so dry.
Amazing how quickly months and months of rain can disappear even in winter.
I happily received a nice online order with the release of the Ad Interim album and anticipating another release from a cool band from Istanbul that approached me recently.
And, in my endless search for interesting music, I found a band called Focusrights whom I felt immediately compelled to contact though they weren’t able to commit to anything.
I still get off on the feeling of discovery of music that gets my heart pumping.

Together Again Today – 14th July 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Both on our way
By the end of the day
– A feeling we’ll no longer miss
It’s been a while
Since sharing our smile
– And feeling so gentle a kiss
When we are not there
We know we still care
– Each other we’re thinking of
Wrapped in each other
Like arms of a mother
– The comforts of deepest love

The older you get, the smarter your parents get.

David Foster Wallace, paraphrasing

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the choices we have. On the 11th I wrote that Amy’s mum and dad would come and look after our cats but now Aing is back in Chiang Rai and her and Now will be able to do it for us.

The Week That Was – 23rd September 1979

Valentine’s Dream – 15th February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

On the eve of Valentine’s Day
When she woke from a comfortable sleep
She had dreamed a dream of killing him
An ex that had never gone deep

Then she started to question herself
As this feeling disturbed her so
What was the meaning of this dream?
Was what she wanted to know

Why are my insides twisted into knots? Am I in control here or is my anxiety?

Who is in control here? What principles are guiding me?

Ryan Holiday, Daily Stoic

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my house where I can have guests here without any real problems. Everything is here for them.

Busy and lazy days since last writing. Yesterday I took the day off work, calling in sick and I actually was sick on Sunday night after eating the last of my potato bake that had obviously gone off! I threw it up and felt much better but went to sleep very soon after.

Monday, Valentine’s Day, was graduation day for Fern, Aing, Gus, Nu and Mink. I met Mink in the early afternoon and remember how much I like him because he is always thoughtful. I asked him what he’d been doing in Bangkok and he said he had just quit his first job because every day he would go to work and end up asking himself ‘what am I doing here?’ I told that will probably happen many times in his life. At least he’s smart enough to figure out how to make changes.

I bumped into Fern at Utopia but we didn’t get chance to meet again and she flew home to Hat Yai in the evening. I spent most of the time with Aing’s brother and friend and then the rest of the family arrived with Now. Aing showed up after about an hour and many photographs were taken.

I could feel the general celebration in the air though it still confuses me a little. The student’s courses had all finished over a year ago – that to me is the time to celebrate – and I’m sure they all did at that time too. But for this event, families travel all over the country just to be here for a couple of hours as their kids receive their pieces of paper. Someone in Aing’s family had made matching T-shirts for everyone to wear. They had a picture of Aing’s face and then some text along the lines of ‘tuition fees = 25,000 – what she told her parents = 37,000’. Well played!

At school today, hence writing here in my down time. I’m definitely not as motivated to write here when I’m at home, which tells me where I would rather be! This morning, I taught 2/9 the lesson I put together about sexual abuse and they all understood the message but the girls were more thoughtful and mature about the topic, whilst the boys were still a little embarrassed about anything to do with sex.

It was interesting that afterwards some of the students talked about others who had committed suicide after being shamed and another who, just that weekend, had been asked by a friend to send nude pics and then sent her an unwanted dick pic. She asked me for advice about what to do. I told her that she could tell him that it is not the type of behaviour that a friend would do, especially unsolicited.

I found out that sports day is this Thursday and Friday and at lunch time I found out that tomorrow is a holiday. So – no more teaching for the week! It also seems to be only three weeks until the kids finish and there’s also a couple of days with no classes in there somewhere too.

I’m curious if I will be recontracted here next semester. I hope so but I can also see that the class sizes are making it difficult to keep everyone engaged. I might have to do some research on how to keep classes like that busy somehow. Or just submit myself to teaching little in each class.

There’s nothing that you stole from me that I didn’t give up willingly – 6th January 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

My head is already at school and I’m not in the now. Bring it back. My body is in the morning routine and I need to have my head in it too. Practice – pay attention to that meditation.

Onwards to the shower and the rest of the day. Body feels good.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I remember to keep a book in my car so that if I forget my headphones and can’t study in the morning at least I can read a book. Dostoyevsky this morning!

The best thing that happened to me today was putting together some lesson plans that I hope will go well for next year’s classes. I also met a lot of the Primary students this morning and they all still seem to really like me. That made me happy.

I have nearly finished level 4 of Yousician – I’m doing it very badly but once I’ve passed I will go back and practice more. I think I will be on level 4 for a while before I can advance any further. I’m still enjoying playing guitar though.

There’s a big sky out tonight and it’s never been this big before – 18th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The mountains at the back of our house run in valleys, sometimes into the distance or in parallel ridges. In this picture, a valley running off towards the west, and its surrounding mountains were bathed in sunshine, the bright greens bouncing into the sky.

Scanning to the left, the air turns thicker and a battle is brewing for territorial dominance. The clouds are too heavy to keep their water and it drops onto the leafy jungle, turning into wisps of mist. Dark rolls around the skies, dragging the clouds down from above, stirring a big soup with deep rumbles and sudden flashes.

This one will deliver.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be surrounded by caring people that can help need realise my potential.

Brain dump

Drain pipe fell out – who will fix? I can try but I think needs glue – we don’t have.

Social Distortion on mental jukebox for no reason other than it matched my rhythm of lifting weights. What else can I get out of my head this morning? Noisy frogs – but none outside our entertainment area now – have snakes gone – maybe?

Sore butt sitting here yesterday for too long – back – a little ache lower left – arm feel well used.

Now! Now! Now! Not the before, not five minutes – breakfast, school, videos – but now?! Surrounded by things I love – even snakes and frogs. Beautiful grey sky! Rain rain rain – not like UK. Beeping from UPS – what happened – who knows? Okay – Thai and meditation because I don’t know what’s in my head at the moment really.

To-do list

  • Compliment – silent wishes – smile ½
  • Laugh and enjoy making videos again ✅
  • Squats/exercise/stretch ✅
  • Remind yourself about listening ½
  • Keep up with learning Thai ✅

A bit more activity at school today as we did the video in the morning and that was fun compared with the past week or so of just sitting around and reading.

George was, to my mind, quite overbearing this morning, when he said he thought I should exercise more and that he was only saying these things because he cares about me so much. He sounded sincere in his words but I felt a little negative about it. George feels like a father figure and he speaks with authority but sometimes it has the opposite effect – as he has experienced with Bee too – and it can make people just want to be stubborn and do the opposite – or just to think ‘Stop telling me what to do’.

But I recognised these thoughts and feelings and wondered why I was so negative towards them. Just thinking about this for a while actually took away the negativity. George can be right in what he is saying and it is still ok for me to not accept his advice about it.

I also think it wasn’t completely justified as I feel quite fit and healthy these days and don’t feel the need to be really pushing myself too hard with lifting weights and working out in such a determined manner as he does.

Anyway I was proud of myself to not let it effect the rest of my day at all and was curious about my feelings.

When it happened, something snapped inside – 30th January 2002

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I feel calm. I have a sense of loneliness with anticipation. Anything could happen. I’m calm but I want it to happen now. Right now. If I have to make it happen then I will. I know I can do anything – it just seems strange to have no one to share it with.

26th Dec 2021 – As we look back it’s strange to imagine that these words are from 20 years ago. The emotional intensity is still immediate, yet I’m now somehow detached.

At a low point, despite feeling calm, I was still agitated and anxious about the future. I had been through a handful of years at an extreme high, now was the time to deal with the hangover.

TLJ had often mentioned to me that I always seemed to feel that I needed a girlfriend or a partner and, despite my denials, it was true. I needed that female figure, that mother replacement, in my life and it felt like a constant search.

It wouldn’t be for another few years before that feeling would change and, at the same time, finding the long term partner that I had been seeking.