Tag: PMT

Google It – 14th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Just give me the answer
I don’t want to think
The end result the same
No waste of pen and ink

I don’t want to learn
Just want to jump the queue
Find the fast way forward
And the easiest way through

Smart enough to cheat
I’ll copy from the best
And when the time comes
I’ll just bluff the test

If I end up in the field
Painfully planting rice
I’ll remember those times
At the top were really nice

Today I’m feeling:

Smooth, content. I didn’t get enough sleep last night but it hasn’t put me in a bad mood, more like a dream state that I’m gliding through.

Today I’m grateful for:

The lady that always serves me at Oasis. She recognises me now and knows that I like to add sugar, vinegar and pickled chilli to my food.

The best thing about today was:

Relaxing a little into my classes today and enjoying the interactions with everyone. I was also heartened to receive small Valentine’s gifts from my old students as well as stickers from my current ones.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy called me and was annoyed and upset. I’d been to the hospital to see the psyche but I didn’t wait around to get the meds as there were too many people waiting. I knew I could come back later when it was quieter.

At some point, the hospital called Amy’s number because I hadn’t collected the meds. Amy’s phone diverts to her mum here in Thailand and then she calls Amy. I don’t know why no one calls me!

Amy checked on the camera and thought I wasn’t at home as I’d kept the doors all closed because of the air pollution but I was in the living room eating food and watching TV. When she called she wanted to know where I’d been and talked in an accusatory manner and this annoyed me as I was feeling very good until then.

Anyway, a little while later I’d worked my mood back into feeling positive again and called her at our regular time. She was tired and still a little grumpy so we didn’t talk long. Everything will be fine again.

Something I learned today?

I’ve read a little about a serious train derailment in Ohio that caused a huge explosion of dangerous toxic chemicals and that it hasn’t got much coverage there as the US focuses its media towards its coming war with China and having its population on board with that idea. Some reports have said that the effects of the situation are worse than a nuclear reactor meltdown!

I can feel it will soon be time to disconnect from news again soon. Everything is just seemingly fucked everywhere you look.

What makes me laugh?

Really there are not many things that make me laugh as such. I still enjoy comedy etc but that has a purpose to make you laugh. So the main thing that makes me laugh is, of course, my students. They make me laugh when they are happy and playful but also when they are angry and emotional.

I took this picture because the morning sun burns red through the haze on the horizon.

Recognition Of Reality – 22nd December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Am I sitting down yet?
Are my feet touching the floor?
No recognition of reality
Is it worth existing anymore
Am I breathing air?
Is blood pumping through my veins?
No recognition of a life itself
No usefulness remains

*inspired by a story from Seneca

You determine the quality of your mind by the nature of your daily thoughts.

Robert Greene, Daily Laws

Today I’m feeling:
Happy but a little on edge
Today I’m grateful for:
Our air fryer which nicely cooked the Hainan ginger fake chicken I ate for dinner with rice and cucumber (to counter the hot chilli sauce dressing). Amy has made me 3 servings to freeze for when she has gone too. I suppose I could learn to use the fryer too but I just don’t bother cooking by myself.
The best thing about today was:
Undoubtedly, both my classes which I took a very relaxed attitude towards whilst still having the kids semi-engaged with activities. Even the kids that get annoyed with me did some work and seemed to enjoy what we were doing. Some days I love them all. Today was one of those days. Tomorrow should be too. One class making Christmas cards and another two just doing online quizzes and then it’s the weekend again (finally – last night I thought it would be Friday today until I realised it wouldn’t and felt the energy drain out of me!)
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy is grumpy today, maybe PMT, so I’m trying to not bite at her and let it pass. I’m not always successful and she got angry when I misheard her about something and reacted badly. I let it blow over and apologised for misunderstanding and just tried to carry on as if nothing happened. I don’t think we’ll have good communication for the rest of the night, so let it lie and wake up tomorrow to a brand new sunny day, or at least we get to start again.
Something I learned today?
Hayden has Covid again. Hopefully, it’s not as bad as the first time and he recovers soon. I messaged Ellen too, who I haven’t been in contact with for about six months and since China relaxed their lockdown policy a couple of weeks ago, she and many of her clients got Covid too. I think China’s tough covid policy was the best way to deal with it and hopefully, now the virus is weaker there will be fewer deaths from infections. It’s amazing to me that other countries didn’t take it as seriously.
What tattoo do you want and where would you put it?
The next tattoo I get will be some Cardiacs lyrics on my right calf. I also want to get a Boognish tattoo but not quite sure where yet. Still thinking about the weird Trumans Water Spasm Smash cover too.

I took this picture because there’s spiders living in the trees!

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #39 – 23rd May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Music from Pregnant Neck, The Fugs, 35mm Dreams, Tsushimamire, Skurge, Mudhoney, George Duke, Electric Light Orchestra, Lightning Bolt, Unknown, Thinking Fellers Union Local 282, Dennis Brown, Wild Youth, Vibrato Fetish, Spanish Dogs, beNt, Cockney Rejects and The Temptations.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my shower in the morning, to cool and refresh, and prepare for the day.

To-do list

  • Continue video editing ✅
  • Enjoy Baew’s birthday party ✅
  • Record TCRAH if time
  • Find warm up video and then exercise
  • Read some more – I want to finish this book! ✅

I enjoyed learning the video editing software today. Amy was obviously in her monthly bad mood so it was good to be out of the way. She was baking cakes too. I find it hard to deal with her when she’s in these moods and even she knows that she is not herself.

She was happy when we got to Baew’s though and we started eating and drinking. I had to stop after a little bit though because I was tired and I ended up sleeping for a couple of hours!

Tomorrow – get up and go again.

It’s so hard to fall in love – 11th January 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Entries from 1994 are left as written, except fixing any typos.  On reading these words again 24 years later I can see they don’t always form a great narrative structure and introduce people, concepts and ideas without any background.  That may become apparent in future entries from this period and I’m also loath to add to this dialogue from the present – ‘knowing all the things I know’.

All written here dedicated for Steve Burgess R.I.P. 28/12/93

Many things have happened since Steve’s death.  It was a shock to everyone.  I remember when Rob called and Bronwyn called me from the other room, I could tell by her voice some had died and I initially thought it might be my mum.  We were both in tears.  And I was still getting over chicken pox.  What a terrible Christmas.

We went to see everyone in Southampton on the 30th.  We went to John and Selena’s.  It was a funny atmosphere but we all had a few drinks and by the end of the night, we were pretty drunk.  Selena spoke to Chrissy in the morning.  She was still sad but seemed fairly positive.  New Year’s Eve was the worst.  I burst into tears several times with Bronwyn comforting me.  I had a big cry and did feel better for it.

Things have been pretty quiet otherwise around this time.  Thursday 6th was Steve’s funeral.  It was very good (if that’s the right word). I’m sure everyone he knew was there.  A lot of us went to the pub afterwards.  It ended up with me, Bronwyn, Fatty, Rich, Rob, John, Selena, Gary and more (can’t remember).  It got very emotional.  I had a little cry and so did everyone else.  Me and Fatty had a heart to heart as he was upset that I considered Steve my best friend – though we didn’t really resolve anything.  Bronwyn suggested writing to him and after a day’s thought I did so.

On the Saturday me and my baby drove up to Southampton.  We dropped in on Rich and Rob before going to Chrissy’s.  I felt happy to be where Steve lived and didn’t feel uncomfortable in any way.  I didn’t once think it was strange that Steve wasn’t there.  There were lots of flowers and cards.  Chrissy seemed very well.  She’s been a lot stronger than I expected.  Heaven knows how I’d feel if I lost my beautiful Bronwyn.

We went to pick up John and Selena.  Selena said she felt a bit strange about going round but we convinced her it was going to be the best thing to do.  I think people are worried about what to say to Chrissy.  Chrissy just wants everyone to act normally.  Rich and Rob were a bit worried about that too.

I took a bit of control in the evening by organising everyone (I consulted Chrissy all the time though), in the hope of relieving Chrissy from having to worry about people coming round.  Selena phoned up Rich and Rob to get them to come down but she said Rich sounded a bit off on the phone.  I snuck out and went and got them.

By this time pizza had arrived and a few drinks had been consumed.  Everyone started to relax a bit and I think Chrissy was happy with that.

I had a chat with Amanda in an effort to try and get her to sleep!

Well, everyone got pretty drunk and had fun playing cards til 2 o’clock when everyone left and we went to sleep in Amanda’s room.

We spent all Sunday playing with Amanda.  I think she enjoyed having a male adult around.  I really enjoyed myself and had lots of fun though it was very exhausting.  Steve said ‘The best thing you can do it have kids’ and I did find myself a bit clucky. Wow!

Rebecca’s a beautiful little baby too. What a shame she’ll never meet the man who fathered her and a shame he’ll not be able to watch her grow up.  I felt attached in some way to Chrissy, Amanda and Rebecca and think it’s my way of hanging on to Steve.

I was sorry to leave Sunday night but happy to know me and Broni will be having our own kids someday.  We talked virtually non-stop on the way home.  I dropped the letter into Fatty’s too.  Rang him up next day and he looks like he’ll definitely be moving out of there and we can move in.  He said we should have a talk so we decided to go out on Thursday.  I couldn’t tell from his voice if he was upset with me or not.  He sounded kind of stern – like it was what we ‘ought’ to do.  However, he seemed fairly chirpy otherwise which certainly is a change.

Spoke to Rob tonight about the poetry booklet and it could cost us a fair bit but feel it to be worthwhile.  I’m writing an introduction which I think is fairly good even if I do say so myself.

Me and Broni had a couple of P.M.T. fights but we resolve things fairly quickly.  I want to be more patient and understanding.  I want to stop putting her down too I don’t even know I’m doing it.  She’s great, really the best girl I could ever wish for.  A true companion for the rest of my life.  I’m pleased other people say this to me too.