The tallest tree is afraid of lightning And forever wants to stand tall To rise above the rest is so frightening But one must look over them all
Competition begins at the very roots Fighting for glimpses of the sun Cooperation only required when it suits Until the race can be clearly won
The tallest tree, with its deep shade Stunts both the weak and the good The forest succumbs to death man-made And all becomes the finest wood
Today I’m feeling:
Tired and dizzy. Unenthusiastic. I’ve been reducing my sertraline dose to half a 50mg tablet a day and it had been on until today. The feeling is so disorienting that I don’t feel inclined to push through. I’ll go back to my regular dose tomorrow.
Today I’m grateful for:
Netflix and British TV. I’m really not in the mood for anything today and whilst on other days I usually hate to waste time with watching TV shows today I’m finding numbing satisfaction in not thinking. I think I’m gonna be ok.
The best thing about today was:
Cute Noey at Utopia making my coffee and trying her best to improve her skills. We didn’t talk for a long time as she is quiet and maybe intimidated in a work environment of boys. She has a kind of endearing ditzy attitude like she doesn’t take anything too seriously but obviously, deep down has a different personality lying in wait to be discovered by her intimates.
Anyway, the coffee tasted good despite the lack of foam that I like.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My feelings and emotions are a little out of control today but I’m well aware of it. I hate to waste a weekend day but know I need to get to the other side of this feeling so I’ve handled it by sleeping and TV.
Something I learned today?
I watched an edited version of a debate with Matt Taibbi, Douglas Murray and Malcolm Gladwell and was quite shocked to hear a usually smart guy like Gladwell resorting to straw man arguments.
The topic was about trust in mainstream media in the USA and I was quite surprised that Gladwell sided with the idea that we can trust it.
I’ve been watching Chinese news (CGTN) to get news from the States. They just report the facts as they know them. No opinion no debate no analysis. Just like news should be. Most of their reports are less than two minutes long.
USA news sources are 24-hour verbal diarrhoea and for all the talk nothing is achieved.
What do I enjoy doing?
Today the only thing I enjoyed was sleeping. Most days I actually enjoy almost everything I do.
I took this picture because I liked the look of this mini cactus at House. It could serve well as a model railway cactus.
As the book opens, princesses are yawning Dead-eyed dogs trudge homeward Bamboo whistles in the wind Lulling all with the promise of reprieve Here at the edges of time The world diverges for those to clash Mad deviations keep the wheels greased For those dogs forever fighting The red sky denied, turns blue Filled with the joyful and forlorn Intermissions inspire reflection About the dogs that stalk the dark
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and better than yesterday.
Today I’m grateful for:
The Thai teachers around me who were helpful and also amusing. Despite having to ‘work’ all weekend it was interesting enough and time passed by quickly thanks to the pleasant atmosphere.
The best thing about today was:
Finding out about some cool features of some of the tools we were learning today, enough to make me consider paying the small fee to access them. They would help enhance my classes a little.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Not having enough time at home to get all the chores that should have been completed on time. How did I handle it? By doing them, but not on time. It’s not the biggest issue but it means leaving wet washing outside overnight.
Also, I wasn’t able to shampoo Tigger again and he really needs it. I hope to do that on Tuesday afternoon if nothing else comes up.
Although these things are not really in my control I don’t consider them to be that important that they are giving me too much stress. There was a time when I would’ve let these things bother me more.
Something I learned today?
From reading an online post I found out that perhaps Hanoi is comparable to Chiang Mai and HCMC to Bangkok. Armed with that information I think I would prefer northern Vietnam to the south. Not that I wouldn’t want to check it all out for myself.
The writer described Hanoi as more of a collection of villages that have become joined and it is still quick and easy to get out into the mountains and jungles.
How do my thoughts and emotions impact my daily life?
My thoughts need to counter my emotions so I can stay in control. I get better at this though that may be due to avoiding people rather than actual improvement in control!
I took this picture because I knew there weren’t going to be many other chances to take photos today. I dropped into Utopia for my coffee, drinking it quickly but enjoying it immensely. Art gave me a new blend today that was light but zingy.
Approaching from the horizon Shrinking as getting nearer A cloud-like hallucination With a face forming clearer
And words whispered soft Agreeable to the heart The mirage matters not As it hastens to depart
Soon a regular visitor To discuss things of great import To soothe a troubled soul Where madness is said to cavort
And to banish the monk black Is a mistake of pure vanity As real life makes its attack Upon one’s prevailing sanity
So despair visits the garden For one more forming of breath A reminiscence of loving times Before submission unto death
inspired by the Anton Chekov short story of the same name
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and run out of energy during the day.
Today I’m grateful for:
The water from the ground that is down there somewhere in the earth and finds its way to the pipes in our house so we can drink wash and feed our garden. I don’t understand how it works and I hope it never stops working!
The best thing about today was:
Riding my pushbike to Utopia and back this morning before it got too hot was a pleasant little exercise that my body and brain enjoyed.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The only things out of my control today were trivial and inconsequential and were handled by just getting on with it (as my mum would say).
Something I learned today?
From an online video, I learned what to do at Thai police checkpoints. Be calm. Don’t offer money but wait until the police want to deal and then negotiate. The Thai Tourist Police number is 1155. Don’t go to the police station. You are entitled to record the officer’s information and film them inspecting bags.
Reflect on a meaningful experience I had this week.
It has been nice to see the two students I helped get antidepressant medication appear to be improving, at least from what they are telling me. Another one that confides in me though still seems to be struggling. I talk to them when I can but can only help so much.
I took this picture because P’ti fled out the door at Utopia as someone came in to buy coffee. Art caught him and sat him and the bench where P’ti spied on birds in the field like a Kilroy!
Opinions formed around the scantest of facts Reinforce the feeling to sit back and relax Delegated control to the seats of power Surveilled to submission from the tallest tower
Freedom enforced with lies told twice Stock up on guns is the latest advice The hole keeps growing for the empire to fall Where democracy now means nothing at all
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and energetic
Today I’m grateful for:
This Chinese New Year peanut brittle I bought at Makro. It’s slightly crystallised from being in the fridge and is crunchy. I’ve eaten a whole tub today so I’ll be way over any normal sugar quota. My mum used to love peanut brittle, though had to stop eating it because of her teeth and dentures but I never liked it much back then.
The best thing about today was:
Having a list of household tasks to complete and getting them all done. No reading, writing or blogging today, though I did get in a bit of guitar.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The price of a cup of coffee has gone up at Utopia. What can I do? Buy less peanut brittle I guess.
Something I learned today?
I feel like I didn’t learn very much today! Or nothing particular that I didn’t already know or have an opinion on. One thing I remember from a couple of days ago was a comment about how the ‘international media ‘ as the West understands only covers about 15% of the world’s population. Hmmm…
What are three things I am grateful for today?
The fan that has been cooling me all day now that it’s humid again. Bandcamp for having so much great music out there to discover. Today I found Focusrights who are awesome! The hair bleach that I received from online shopping and had burned my hair a crispy yellow shade to disguise all the white.
I took this picture because it’s hot already and the cats are losing hair and staying cool by rolling onto their backs.
A bridge is beckoning And she’s holding the rope Talk of a reckoning Now unable to cope Don’t take that flight Out of selfish pride Step up to the fight Your future undenied The love you never felt Maybe on its way Fold the hand dealt Here to stand and stay
Today I’m feeling:
Happy in myself, a little stressed for others.
Today I’m grateful for:
The kind psychiatrist that talked with me and Baitoey about her problems and ideas to help her. Baitoey scored very poorly on her psychiatric evaluation and I didn’t realise quite how bad she is feeling. The psychiatrist was nice, calm and helpful though and asked me to come back with Baitoey if she doesn’t want her parents to come next time.
The best thing about today was:
I had an enjoyable time walking around school and watching different sports events that many of my students are involved in. There was a really good atmosphere, and everyone was having fun.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I got to the hospital with Baitoey it was just as they closed the department for lunch for an hour. Instead of just sitting there I decided to head to TLC to pick up my work permit documents and swing by Oasis to pick up food for dinner. When I got to TLC there was no one there but I messaged and waited for a bit and eventually, Nancy appeared with my documents. I jokingly asked if the application money was there too and was shocked when she said that TLC would reimburse the fee this year! Cool! Baitoey waited patiently in the car and then we headed to Oasis but when we got there it was shut! Damn, I was looking forward to their food too! Oh well, never mind. We got back to the hospital in time just as they reopened again.
Something I learned today?
Old mate Dean Crowe is playing in a band called Potential and will tour New Zealand and catch up with Kieran and Chrissie there. I want to go to NZ again!
What would I like to savour or enjoy more often this year?
I’d like to enjoy better health and having more energy. To savour doesn’t really come into it because savouring can come at odd times, sometimes unexpectedly.
Art and I took these pictures on Saturday because as I was taking the picture of P’ti he was taking the picture of me.
With an easy week last week, no classes on Monday as it was Teachers’ Day and lots of kids skipping school on Friday as it was Chinese New Year made for a nice relaxing lead into the weekend.
On Saturday morning I couldn’t quite decide if I was motivated enough to do anything but eventually, I forced myself out after riding my pushbike to Utopia and back and washing Amy’s doona, which one of our cats had thrown up on. It took all day and several goes in the machine to get it clean and spun, it’s heavy when full of water and stops the machine sometimes and by the evening I gave up and hung it out wet.
So at around 10.30 am I dropped a vial of acid and headed out on little Fino, magical mystery motorbike, with a plan to finally find the way to Mae Chan through the mountains to see how easy it is to avoid the checkpoint. I already knew it wasn’t easy but I’d never actually completed a round trip.
The last time I tried was at the end of the rainy season and that was when I got covered in lots of mud. This time the dirt tracks were flattened rock hard and further on, became a dusty powder.
With a little detour I found the route and as the acid kicked in I felt a wonderous bond with the earth. The valleys of jungle descending to rice fields and streams shone in the golden light and deep blue sky.
On this outward journey, I noted several side roads that looked interesting and thought to investigate on the return. At the end of the valleys, an old village of weather-worn farmers and cute kids and then soon to my destination. It had taken much less time than I expected so those side roads were ripe for investigation.
Up along ridges, riding through pineapple fields, high gradient, still damp earth tracks that I wondered if I could cruise back down without overheating the brakes, off into the forest, where I opted for the new path rather than the familiar, ending up I-don’t-know-where but just kept going because all roads lead to somewhere (most of the time!).
After an hour I hit some paved road and another village of old people and cute kids. As I sat at a junction, one way saying ‘the way out’ but the other way begging me along, an old man with red teeth, high on betelnut maybe, came forward and I asked if I could go on ‘the way in’ and he waved me on with a belly laugh.
And the way in was more beautiful valleys, one after the other.
A beam of light in the distance caught my eye and through a small field, another valley shone as golden hour approached I rode on until I woke up a farmer in his shack, who quickly put on some pants and wandered out to the path. I apologised for making him get dressed as his beautiful dogs came to play. He suggested there was no way out if I kept going and this time I deferred to his judgement and turned back, chuckling at the apparent serenity of this farmer’s life and wondering of the stories he would tell about this stupid farang riding his little bike deep into the middle of nowhere.
And so I went on, reasonably confident I was heading somewhere and new beautiful valleys appeared around every corner, even though they all look the same. It’s amazing to imagine all these places exist and are not just photographs in National Geographic.
Riding between two rice fields I suddenly hit some smashed-up concrete blocks that would have been dumped here in the mud during the rainy season to provide some grip. Now they were embedded in the solid ground and crumbling with each tyre that hit them. Unfortunately, I hit one at the wrong angle and it sent my front wheel off into the powdered earth and keeling over to a sudden stop, throwing me off in front, and perhaps I jumped a little too in an effort to get away from this heavy machine that could land on my leg.
I tumbled forward, hitting my chest on the ground and twisted onto my back where I then also hit my head on the hard earth and came to a stop. I looked at the sky from my new bed of dust, blinked, and mentally surveyed my body, triggering memories of times previous when I’d hit my head or an object had hit it, with that loud stinging ping. I picked up my arms to readjust my glasses and started laughing! Then I slowly and gingerly got up.
As I twisted onto my side I felt a pain in the right side of my chest and my thumb where some skin had come off. Not too bad, considering! I picked up Fino, who had survived completely intact and soldiered on with some laboured breathing as the excitement of events still rattled my body.
On and on until finally back to paved road again and eventually the main road. But still, in the golden hour that lasts from about 3pm to 5.30pm depending on where you are, I went on to investigate PB Valley – some kind of resort with a pretty lake and waterside restaurant. It looked well-maintained but hard to tell if it was being used. There was no one around and a lone security guard sat in the shade away from the gate and motioned me to just go ahead. I wondered who would come all this way to stay here. There didn’t look like there was enough entertainment within the resort and apart from an elephant camp a few kilometres away there’s not much else around.
Eventually, I weaved my way home, waving to various kids and shouting hello and I wondered about the possibilities of doing something for these kids. I have these big ideas at times like this but never feel the push to investigate more, perhaps scared of overcommitting and knowing that these kids need more than just irregular fun visitors.
Finally home and evaluating my injuries after a good shower, I think I’ll be ok. Though as I’m writing this two days later I’m contemplating a checkup at the hospital. I think if I do have a cracked rib though there’s nothing that can be done.
Saturday night I woke up to more cat-sick sounds and a quiet Sunday saw me washing my doona and hoping that at least one of them would be dry by evening.
This week at school is Sports Day (Sports Four Days!) so no classes til Friday and I’m guessing lots of kids will skip that day too. I’ll just have to walk around a couple of events each morning before heading off for coffee and home. Sabai Sabai!
My old student Baitoey contacted me as she heard that I took Boss to the hospital on Friday and she wants to do the same, so I will help her this week too. I’m a little worried that I may get some flack for helping these kids but feel duty-bound to offer help in any way I can. The more kids I speak to, the more I see that they need emotional support. Some can manage themselves but others are really struggling and when they say they don’t want to live anymore then I have to do something.
That’s the end of this book but surely not the end of the story.
The man with the winning smile Wins a front-page reward His shiny teeth are squeaky clean But he speaks like a machine And everyone got bored
The man stands above the crowd Surveys the plebs around A swinging dick and shiny head But a nightly empty bed With no friends to be found
Today I’m feeling:
Relaxed and chilled. Cancelled riding over to see Matt as I feel lazy and want to enjoy my home for another day. May go to Daytripper later but I thought that yesterday and ended up not getting there.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nut and Bruno again, this time bringing me food because they are going away for a week. A whole banoffee. I need to work these calories off!
The best thing about today was:
Walking in our driveway in the dark and looking at the clear night sky and the brightest nearest stars. I do this most nights and feel how inconsequential I am in the bigger scheme. I’m smaller than an ant. An atom or even less.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I had minimal interactions with people today and nothing went wrong at home. I have spent 95% of the day in my head where I had full (?) control. Maybe I couldn’t control my laziness today and I handled that with a delicious nap.
Something I learned today?
I learned that I can use ChatGPT to write lesson plans! But I will investigate more as I want to come up with more fun ideas for the classroom.
What are your top two favourite apps or websites?
Website is definitely Bandcamp as I use it to host promote and sell the tenzenmen catalogue. It’s easy to use as a seller and as a buyer and researcher.
As for an app, apart from this one (Day One) at the moment, it is probably Substack as it collects interesting newsletters for me to read when I’m free, rather than clogging up my inbox.
Art took this picture because he used it to post to Facebook to show Utopia is open. I don’t like myself in this picture though. I’d like to cut off my sagging chin!
No matter which road you take You’ll always sigh And wish you’d taken another Yet no error is a true mistake Do you know why? Because really, there is no other
inspired by The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost, who wrote the first three lines in a letter to Edward Thomas, whom the poem was written for.
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good, a little weird that Amy, who fills up my world when here, is gone again. Just me and the cats.
Today I’m grateful for:
A customer at Utopia who I’ve seen there before greeted me this morning. I returned the greeting and will try to chat more with him in future.
The best thing about today was:
Getting a bit of motivation back, though it took until it got dark again for me to start actioning it. I cleared a few emails in backlog, picked up the guitar again and sorted out more of the neverending files of new music to enjoy.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I told Amy about our broken pipe perhaps in the hope that she knew who could fix it. She called to her parents and soon they were here and Dad was hacking away at the concrete around the pipe. I wasn’t sure how necessary that was or what he was trying to do, but I let him get on with it.
Amy’s dad is ok at fixing things but they are done with ease in mind rather than aesthetics. Much as I would do if I attempted to fix things and that’s why I usually prefer to pay someone to do it instead.
Dad gave up in the end and said he’d find a plumber and come back. I think it would’ve been better to have come to that decision before hacking away at stuff.
I’m grateful for his attempt and I didn’t really get involved. The plumber will come tomorrow and let’s hope it’s not just some guy who Dad knows can fix stuff better than him.
After they left I ate lunch and forgot all about it.
Something I learned today?
The name of the game being played in the Lahu village yesterday was Khosue (in Lahu) or Lukon (?) in Thai. I’m not sure I got the Thai word right as I only heard it spoken.
Can you save your time?
This is a weird question. Can I, do I, did I? I’m not sure what it’s getting at. Time is not something that can be saved. Does it mean, can you do something more quickly? Perhaps, probably. But to what end? I could get other people to do everything for me and revoke any reason to live!
I took this picture because in my effort this morning to do some gardening I snapped the pipe that the hose attaches to. The world is testing me.
Relaxed enough and happy. Still a little tired from lack of sleep but not enough to get me grumpy.
Today I’m grateful for: My late students who I locked out of class. Without them the room was quieter and more manageable and I could tell the students who were there were happier too. I’m also grateful to Anchan, who seems to have become the head of the class (which she deserves as she is more mature than the others and also more outgoing), when she confirmed to their homeroom teacher that those kids were very late and always disturbed the class.
The best thing about today was:
Not sure if was the best thing but it was funny. AimAem wasn’t in class on Tuesday and today I asked her where she was and she said she was in Bangkok. I gave her an incredulous look and jokingly asked why she didn’t invite me. She talked into her phone to translate but all her friends heard her and burst out laughing. She showed me the translation which said ‘unimportant person’ I cracked up too and pretended to be upset. Everyone was happy.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
About 8 students were late for my afternoon class and when they came I’d already started the class and I told them they were too late and to leave. One of them messaged me later asking if I was upset with them as I told them I wasn’t. I told them it was their choice when to come to my class but if they are late they may miss out and the choice was theirs.
Something I learned today?
In Lithuania people don’t usually say hello to each other. I’m not sure I will ever need this information but it did stand out in a blog post I read. The thing is that they then said that they themselves did usually say hello to people. I think people in general aren’t going to say hello to everyone they pass. Nods of acknowledgement happen over time and can develop into greetings. In general I think Australians have been the friendliest people I’ve met.
What are your family’s top 3 favorite meals?
We really don’t have favourite meals as a family. Beyond Amy and I we rarely eat with the extended family and for us both we often end up eating different dishes. One thing we do like to have together though is Sichuan hotpot. Homemade is best in Chiang Rai but Sydney had many good options and obviously China and Sichuan we’re the absolute peak but I haven’t been there with Amy yet.
I took this picture because these are Amy’s famous cinnamon scrolls. She made three batches for Utopia and each time our house filled with delicious perfume. Finally she made a batch for me and her friends to eat too!
The ice cream Was delicious I ate it all While you were out
Don’t be angry Your loss is minor And I know You love my tummy
Despite your upset We both know It will Happen again
You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecendented in the history of the world, bu then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.
James Baldwin
Today I’m feeling:
Happy, relaxed and somewhat renewed energy. I’m wondering if that’s because Amy is leaving again this week? I’ve found it more difficult to do the things I usually do when she’s not here (playing guitar, reading, listening to music ) and maybe I slipped into some lethargy and laziness, instead just watching videos online. It does feel more physiological though but I guess it’s all connected. Today I’m grateful for: Anton Chekov’s short story ‘Ward No. 6’. I read it this morning after my coffee and it wowed me a lot and made me question certain things. One paragraph, in particular, resonated deeply as often happens when writing reminds you of your own life. I will reread this one again.
The best thing about today was:
The ease of showering Tigger. Amy and I were both surprised at how compliant he was to get covered in soapy water. He wasn’t happy but we didn’t get cut to bits as we thought might happen. Thankfully the vet had managed to cut his nails yesterday too. Tigger feels softer again and the rough skin is clearing up too. Of course, after showering and then drying him, which takes the most time, he went into the sun and started rolling around in the dirt again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy got a little grumpy with me today when I’d forgotten to give Tigger his medicine after dinner. I called him and he came in from outside. I gave him some more food but then Amy dropped something that crashed to the floor frightening him and he ran off before I could give the medicine. I chased after him but he ran outside and into the darkness where he is impossible to see. I came back in knowing that he’d come back in before I went to bed but Amy was still complaining – to herself, in Thai, thankfully – so I just ignored it and about 15 minutes later he came back in of his own accord and I was able to nab him and give him the pill.
Something I learned today?
I’d forgotten to search Antioch Arrow until now and can’t find any meaning behind the band name though I didn’t dig too deeply. I did learn that Hayden has applied for another job, this time cleaning. I’m not sure what it is exactly but he’s never been the cleanest person but, like myself, I’m sure he’d be more inclined to better clean for other people when getting paid for it. I know I learned other bits and pieces today but it’s a struggle to recall things. I want to be more present when learning something so I can recall things better. Or perhaps it’s that most information is just useless knowledge and hence easy to forget.
What daily habit will help you feel healthier, fitter, and more alive?
I’m old enough to know these things by now. But knowing them is different to doing them. Back on the horse tomorrow, so to speak.
Art took this picture because every day he posts a picture to promote Utopia as being open. I end up in them about once every 6 weeks. This one is really nice though with the morning sun coming through the window.
All around is static A photo reel reflection I see myself, a boy, a man Open to inspection
Shadows passing in ceaseless flux A work in progression Destruction and evolution Are the cycles of obsession
Holding onto pain Until I learned to let it go Significance is impermanent As I’ve slowly come to know
People who cannot suffer can never grow up, never discover who they are.
James Baldwin
Today I’m feeling: Relaxed and average, not up, not down. Today I’m grateful for: Our machete, which I seem to blunt every time I use it but it helped me cut through the vines of the passionfruit. Do I need to buy an angle grinder now so that I can sharpen it again? Or perhaps I will go to auntie next door one day and challenge myself to communicate what I need. The best thing about today was: Pushing through my desire to sleep and motivate myself to finish pulling down all the passionfruit plants. I thought I would just let it go wild forever but after three months of constant collecting and juicing, then drinking I feel like I’ve had enough passionfruit now! The plant tangles up easily and even a couple of weeks after I chopped it off at the base it was still a pain in the ass to get it down from the frame it was wrapped around. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I got up a little later than usual so by the time I got to Utopia my usual spot was gone and I had to sit on the uncomfortable car seat. That’s ok, sometimes it’s good to see the same part of the world from a different angle (see yesterday). The coffee was good, the book was good. As it was uncomfortable to sit for long I didn’t hang around as long as I usually do so that was kinda good anyway, get home and get on with things. Something I learned today? Today I messed around with ChatGPT and then the full Invoke AI, to see what pictures it came up with. I’ll learn a little more about this to see if I can use it to generate images for my blog posts. Did you celebrate Christmas today? Write about it. Not particularly. Amy likes to put up a Christmas tree and lights and she gave a gift to Nut and Bruno before we went for a more upmarket-than-normal meal. Amy is getting her eyelashes done and I’m listening to Liars and The Feud at home.
I took this picture because Amy finally got to making her cinnamon buns for Utopia again. They sold out within a couple of hours. Doing this makes her happy though the return on investment, particularly time, is very low.
1994ever 