Music from The Cavedwellers, Circus Brekovic, Deerhoof, Descendents, Gregory Isaacs, The Milkshakes, Queen, Didjits, Octafish, Elvis Costello, Emporer Yes, Althea and Donna, The Soul Owners, White Blacula and This Heat.
Weight: 79.0kg Resting heart rate: 48
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for being able to sit on this plane. To be able to afford to visit my friends. And for having a home to return to.
To-do list
Meditate on the plane – reflect on these days ✅
Please try to stay calm when back ✅
Wear mask all day ✅
Finish reading book ✅
Take some photos
It’s Tuesday as I write. Getting back was equally emotional and equally flat. I felt numb. Amy is angry at the inconvenience that my trip has now caused us. She’s not so much upset with me as upset with the situation.
I drank a couple of whiskies and fell into a deep 12-hour-long sleep. I got up for lunch and fell back asleep again for the afternoon, got up for dinner and then went back to sleep around 9 pm.
Now it’s Tuesday morning and everything still feels flat. The situation with the virus is looking increasingly likely to postpone the WDS tour which meaning losing all the money on our flights in South East Asia. That’s the situation now and what we have to deal with.
Amy and I are stuck at home for another 12 days. I don’t anticipate any illness from the virus so we just have to wait and carry on as best we can.
I am so happy and grateful to my aching feet. They suffer but are still going. My aching hips, just working. My dodgy knee, my crooked neck, my weak wrists. One day so these pains will be gone. So will I.
What decides whether a sum of money is good? The money is not going to tell you.
Epictetus, Discourses
To-do list
Finish Kru Noon’s card ½
Start picture for Tian
Start spreadsheet for WDS tour ✅
Listen to Donald Robertson lecture ½
Plan to take Amy to OK@Chiang Rai ✅
In a much more positive frame of mind today. The knowledge of no longer working in this school has taken the pressure off but it is making me wonder why I can’t just think like that all the time? I’m hoping that the move to a new school and position will give me the fresh approach I need. I tried to do that this semester and was only somewhat successful. Now I have a little more experience under my belt.
I will have a job interview tomorrow and hopefully, that will go well. I should take a notebook with me and make notes. I don’t think I’ll ask too many questions and will suggest some ideas I have based on some textbooks I found useful today too.
I chatted for about 20 minutes with Fred this morning and we discussed the failings of the schools in Thailand and our different methods of dealing with it. I am quite aware that my method is not the best way. I must learn the way that can keep me calm and happy and at the same time try to do my best for the students.
I’m giving myself another 12 months to see if I can turn things around for myself. I will try to do this by remembering how George deals with things and consciously putting them into practice. I feel like some of the pieces of the puzzle are coming together today. I feel strong enough to be able to deal with things. I just hope I can maintain this when difficult situations arise.
You solve the problem that caused the visible problem.
You avoid the problem.
When solving visible problems, it’s easy to signal value creation to others. If you work in a large organization with a regular paycheck, few people ask if the problems should exist in the first place. Instead, everyone thinks you’re indispensable because you’re so busy solving problems.
As you move toward avoiding problems before they happen, visibility decreases. Explaining what you do all day becomes harder and more subjective. Rewarding people for something that didn’t happen is very difficult. Thus, it becomes risky for the employee to avoid problems.
From Farnam Street’s Brain Food Newsletter
“If you work in a large organization with a regular paycheck, few people ask if the problems should exist in the first place.” Reading this took me right back to my old IT office job.
I really loved that job when I first started. It was overlooking Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Opera House. I worked my ass off to learn as quickly as I could. Years later I was rewarded with a technical administration position, which was better than it sounds.
It was a steep learning curve which involved a lot of testing, installations, maintenance, programming and 24 hour support. The product was a top of the range piece of software. It had just turned the year 2000 and money was flowing freely through the institutions that were supported. Work was interesting and fun.
Slowly, money started to dry up and upgrades were delayed. Often the users would demand it whilst their finance departments would not agree to pay for it. These battles went on consistently for about a decade. During that time all that I needed to do was to make sure the thing kept running. My typical work day could be over after 5 minutes of checking emails. So I made good use of the super fast internet, the office supplies and the printers.
Eventually they started replacing the product I was supporting with a cheaper alternative. Of course users complained because now their minor problems were turning into major problems. To save money, costed money. But it was more cost effective for my employer to pay penalties to the customer for fuckups than it was ensure the fuckups didn’t happen in the first place.
Eventually, after 13 years of arguing for better planning and products, sitting quietly doing my own things on company time, I was made redundant. It was an amazing relief to be honest, and it changed the course of my life. Much for the better, I like to think.
Now, wherever I am working, I can see the same redundant systems in place. The ‘work smarter, not harder’ mantra hasn’t managed to infiltrate everywhere as yet.
It won’t work, Won’t work no more….
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our beautiful house. It feels like a home.
I am so happy and grateful to make friends with these puppies, even though they ate my shoes.
To-do list
Reply to Kieran ½
Catch up with Stoa and Daily Stoic ✅
Search more about TOEFL for Bruce ✅
Write a blog entry ✅
Get more CD cases finished! All? ½
An easy two-lesson day that could have been easily disrupted when I was told I could no longer use the library so I had to think quickly about new lessons which wasn’t too stressful.
I was pretty quiet today, still a bit tired from the weekend. I even lost my wallet at one stage but that didn’t phase me and I figured where it may have fallen out of my pocket and sure enough they had found it in the cafe. That’s the first time I have ever lost my wallet or anything out of my pockets. That’s a pretty good record but hopefully not a sign of things to come.
Things I could have improved on would be to not join in when other teachers are complaining. I don’t do it too much but it’s easy to fall into it.
I feel like I got a lot done today but still like I have a lot to do. None of these things are essential but one I do have to start getting on top of is the WDS tour so I’ll get back on to that tomorrow. I also start teaching Bruce online again so that will be a bit of extra cash coming in too.
“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.” —MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 11.18.5b
I’ve never been a manly man. Well, I say that, though I can remember trying to be one from about ages 11-14. Then I started getting bullied a bit at school and realised I wasn’t ever going to be a strong boy physically.
Not me but you get the idea…
I retreated into my mind but taking resentment and bitterness there. I filled myself with seething hatred for everything around me, confusing what I considered personal injustice with larger injustices of the world. Everything was against us. It was us and them, whoever us was and whoever they were.
I dove head first into the moshpits of punk rock. Besides my mother, punk really was a rock for me to hold on to. Sometimes I clung too tight but eventually I found my way.
Justice and fairness are still amongst my top character strengths, thankfully along with curiousity and gratitude – those two came later.
These days I’m trying to calm my mind to bring some inner peace but the tunes of yesterday still rattle around from dawn to dusk. This inner noise is it’s own sort of peace, it’s familiarity calming, the anger gone.
Man is spelt big M.A.N. it’s the letters of the law, Man is spelt big M.A.N. that’s who the law is for.
– Crass
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the supportive teachers around me. They have helped me cover a lesson today and it was easy to stand once I found the right person to talk with.
You can’t learn what you think you already know.
Epictetus (paraphrase)
To-do list
Arrange someone to manage the class I miss. ✅
Make another blog post around an article. ✅
Ride bike to get a haircut.
More Coursera/another DIY article. ½
WDS – follow up on BKK and Yogya shows. ½
I’m starting to feel comfortable and relaxed at school. Able to deal with unexpected conditions, which seem to arise often. I still feel connected with the students but not so intensely involved. I will do what I can for them and try to prepare a good plan for them for learning but I’m going to over-invest my time, even though I do really love to push myself and always think to do the very best I can.
Without the pressure and expectations from the school for continuing with them next semester I am enjoying all the situations, good and bad, and I realise now that this is how I should try to feel all the time at work.
It’s just occurred to me this idea in opposition, of being a very organised person and having to work in a very disorganised environment. Instead of a strict organisation of ideas for lessons, I should have an outline plan and then be ready and organised for disruption. So, a good solid base to work from and then prepared to add on to it. Work smarter.
I talked a little bit with Kevin today and he was surprised at my involvement in music.
I also managed to complete deleting about 90% of my ‘friends’ on Facebook. Most of them are unnecessary for my day-to-day and if either I or they wish to connect again for any reason we are still able to but I’d like to think of myself using Facebook as opposed to Facebook using me. Communicating in short sound bytes is not effective and nuanced, becomes frustrating and just making me anxious about useless things.
I want to concentrate more on writing on my blog – that gives me a deeper satisfaction. It’s not particularly important if anyone sees it or not – I just want to go through the process, forge a habit, think better and ultimately feel better.
Flow – challenging but attainable goals – strong focused concentration – intrinsically rewarding – feeling of serenity – loss of self-consciousness – timelessness/lose track of time – lack of awareness of physical needs – complete focus on the activity
How to achieve flow? – Doing challenging leisure!
extrinsic = external intrinsic = internal
extrinsic motivation can undermine intrinsic motivation and growth mindset Growth mindset – focus on learning not outcomes – good performance takes hard work – hard work is good – effort = good – make the most of deficiencies – capitalise on mistakes – no decrease in internal motivation – performance increases over time
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch the sunrise in the morning and prepare myself for the new day.
The choice of being horribly depressed or incredibly liberated is up to you.
Neil Pasricha
To-do list
Book flights after school. ½
Cut down on feeds – focus on Stoicism. ✅
Be more curious today – learn more about someone. ✅
Do not complain! Do not complain! ✅
Random act of kindness. ½
Finally, the English camp is over. I decided to sit and talk with Aiza a little as we’d never really been introduced.
At the coffee shop, there were some Japanese tourists and I held the door for them and said ‘Oaskini doso’ much to their surprise. They were very happy and it made me feel good.
I was very conscious of not complaining about anything today and may have succeeded. And in a big effort, I managed to book most of the flights for the WDS tour. A beautiful Sichuan hot pot to complete the day.
The only downside is the feeling that Amy is not so happy at the moment – she is always annoyed or upset about something in this country. I understand it is more difficult for her here than it is for me (in some ways) and I know she appreciates the things we have but I hope she can ward off these imbalances in her happiness.
Tomorrow we will be teaching again. I’m feeling confident in my lessons and look forward to them more than school, even though I have more fun with the students at school.
Amy was in a bad mood yesterday due to PMT. She confided with me today that she is feeling lonely due to her old friends here in Chiang Rai not quite having the same mindset as her so finds them quite difficult to talk to and to understand. Whilst I am fine here in relative isolation, she is finding it quite difficult. She has to rely on me to go and do things together and sometimes I resent not having enough time to myself as I am working all the time.
We both understand each other’s situation well enough but it is also something that Amy needs to address for herself.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the year that I have had. I have grown and adapted to adversity. Hopefully, I can understand my reactions to adversity in the future and deal with it in a less emotional manner.
Did it list
Read 3 chapters.
Contacted KL venue for WDS tour.
Talk with Kimi and Rosie.
Recorded another TCRAH.
Very out of routine due to parties every other night.
I am so happy and grateful for everything that tests my patience. I have learnt to remain calm through most things and I think I’m getting better at it all the time.
This morning I am filled with a quiet happiness. Determined to get up early on a Sunday and to do something, whether it be a walk, a meditation, writing or studying, I rolled out of bed, fed the cats and opted to walk to my favourite local coffee shop, Utopia.
As I prepared food for the cats a light rain appeared. Unusual for this time of year but accurately predicted by our weather apps for once. Undeterred, I set out. The temperature still cool but the minimal exertion keeping me warmed I chose to listen to a reading of a Chekhov short story. The relative quiet around made for clear listening to the beautiful words of the story as I walked through small fields of wet grass and aspiring mud. Was I still in Thailand or transported to that Armenian village?
Before I knew it I had arrived at the shop but it was too early and as I waited on the porch I listened to a primer on Nietzsche and then an imagined conversation between Fred and Jane Austen where, despite their differences they arrived at a philosophical agreement and appreciation for each others works. Inspired by this I contemplated how everyone is different but we must be able to find some common ground.
The Nietzsche primer mentioned his text’s difficult reading but also highlighted his humour. Something which I had not been previously aware of. Friends have told me they preferred to read works about Nietzsche rather than his own. I will try this approach sometime. Sometime when I can add those books to my ever growing library.
The shop opened and I lazily drank through 3 coffees which produced a wonderful buzzing awareness of all the subtleties around me. Soon an acquaintance of Amy’s arrived, a Thai lady who runs her own English school. As this was our first meeting we talked about our shared experiences with teaching here in Chiang Rai.
Coffee and conversation
I lead the conversation for a while before realising it was time to let her speak and so I asked questions about her school and so the conversation flowed. I set myself a small challenge to try to talk to a stranger every day and thought to myself that I can cross this off today’s challenge list and it’s not even 10am.
Later though, as I was walking home, the rain a little heavier than before, I realised that I had failed in another of my personal challenges. Inspired by a Tim Ferriss article I read this week I have challenged myself to not complain about anything for 21 days. To remind myself about this challenge I have started wearing a bracelet, the purpose being that every time you complain you have to swap the bracelet to the other wrist. I have made this doubly difficult for myself by choosing a bracelet that is awkward to attach to oneself with one hand.
As the bracelet effect kicked in I thought back to the conversation in the coffee shop and asked myself if I had been complaining. Despite my mind’s protestations and justifications I sadly realised I had, indeed, been complaining. Perhaps only mildly but there is a fine line between stating the facts as they are and infusing a negative into the narrative.
In fact, the hardest part of this challenge is actually recognising that you are complaining. So long as it pushes to the forefront of my mind more and more it will help me become more aware of my own words and to try to understand how someone might feel whilst listening to me.
The walk home was still wonderous as I contemplated all this and listened to the description of beautiful Masha and the joy and sadness the narrator felt. This description was thought-provoking as I also was feeling so happy with life, despite the fact I was getting cold and wet in the rain. The walk crowned by the view of the feathery grass that spikes alongside our driveway, suddenly weighed down by the heavy drops of water, pointing towards the path home.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be inquisitive. To want to constantly learn and understand myself. This morning I listened to a primer on Nietzsche which was interesting as an introduction because I don’t know enough about his philosophy. I then listened to an imagined conversation between Nietzsche and Jane Austen where there two apparent so different writers end up agreeing on many things. I walked to Utopia this morning too. A nice gentle walk and gave me chance to listen to these articles.
To-do list
Prepare Lazada order.
Upload TCRAH and record new ep.
Check more Wix options.
Read 3 chapters.
Next Thai video.
Install WP App and streamline Chrome windows.
WDS t-shirt options.
Dye hair.
Did it list
Uploaded TCRAH.
Read 3 chapters.
Walked to Utopia.
Talked with a stranger at Utopia.
Wrote blog post.
Stayed calm despite Amy being in a bad mood.
Missed a couple of days due to having George and Bee over on Friday and being lazy and hungover on Saturday. Did not do anything on my Saturday list so moved all to Sunday and still only managed half of them, though the day is not over yet.
On Friday I kept my challenge of playing with the kids so that I would get some exercise. However, after a while, they asked me to calm down. I was a bit rough and too competitive. I felt slightly aggrieved at that moment but did calm down some. When I thought about it afterwards I realised they were right. It probably wasn’t as much fun for them as it should have been. I need to learn about the consequences of my actions – even the small ones.
If you got nothing to talk about then there’s always the weather. Over the last couple of years though, the weather has become a major conversation for most people. Extremes are getting hit everywhere. And now having said that……
It’s not just a surprise to me that it’s so cold here in North Thailand at the moment, even the locals say they’ve never felt anything like it. We all probably forgot what it was like last year. It’s a bit of a shock to the system though and apparently, this ‘winter’ cold will be over within the week. It’s actually a nice temperature but I can’t enjoy it because everyone got sick and thought it best to share it with me, so I’ve been rugged up and sleeping it off for what feels way too long. Hanging out daily with hundreds of sick kids doesn’t help much either.
Another annoying thing is that the temperature had just become appropriate to crack open the bottle of Malt Whiskey I’d been sitting on since last year. After a couple of nights of enjoyment, the sickness took hold. Maybe it’s related? When it’s not school holidays I’ve pretty much stopped drinking now, so I’m a bit out of practice. This has had some positive health effects in that I’ve lost a little bit of weight without having to do any exercise. I would like to do some exercise though but……I’m fucking sick.
Anyway, in between working and coughing I’m also in the middle of planning a ten-day or so South East Asia tour for Worlds Dirtiest Sport from France, which is basically Kevin from Trumans Water and his one-man band. I’m very excited about this. It’s a great excuse for me to get to see some other parts of Southeast Asia that I haven’t visited yet, to enjoy watching Kevin play each night and to discover the local scenes and bands there. As well as catching up with some old (and newer) friends.
Whilst doing this I also have to arrange myself a new UK passport, as that is what my Thai visa is attached to. I got this Australian passport that I’ve never used and not sure when I’ll be able to! This will mean having to make two quick trips to the British Embassy in Chiang Mai on working weekdays. This is my opportunity to use the word palaver.
those days
Dealing with the moving targets of Thai bureaucracy has hardened me somewhat to the bullshit bureaucracy I had to deal with in Australia and the UK with all the visas, passports and information requirements. This time should be a cinch. Famous last words.
these days
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be around the kids at school. Even if they are shitbags they never fail to make me smile many times a day. I can go home with those smiles and forget about how little they actually learned.
Did it lists
“You may not wake up tomorrow”
What did I do well today? Where were my discipline and self-control tested? Where did I do good? What did I do bad and why did this occur? Furthermore, how can I improve?
Wrote in gratitude journal.
Understood more about my students.
Prepped next week’s regular class worksheets.
Downloaded Daily Stoic Introduction and saved to Drive.
When I first looked at this question I found within myself a general lack of excitement. Not in a bad way. I enjoy many many things that I do or can do but there’s nothing in particular that makes me excited. Everything at the moment is giving me great satisfaction.
The one main thing I have planned is to organise a tour for Kevin from Trumans Water and we’ve been talking about it for a while and yesterday I started contacting the first promoters and the first show kinda fell together so quickly and easily that it has given me confidence in being able to make it work and to do a good job.
I’m looking forward to visiting a couple of new places such as Kota Kinabalu and Yogyakarta. I’m also looking forward to hanging out with Kevin as Trumans Water has been a favourite band of mine for a long time. I still feel a sense of adventure stronger than a sense of excitement though.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Kru Tam to help me fix some things at school so that I can teach the lessons I want to teach. Some of the rooms don’t have video set up properly and a technician needs to come and fix the TV screens. Thankfully Kru Tam is there to help me sort it out.
18 Apr 2021 – None of the things that would have helped me got fixed in the end and I had to come up with other ideas. But at least the Thai teachers looked as if they were helping me!
1994ever 