What are we doing If we’re not shining a light? Just scrambling in the cave Wishing for stage exit right
No shadows in the dark Beg for optimism’s guide Joy is found in striving For the way outside
undoubtedly inspired by Nick Cave’s Red Hand Files 19th Apr 2024 – Submitted to RDP Friday
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and dusty from a long bike ride
Today I’m grateful for:
The security guard who waved me on at PB Valley so that I could do and look around and take a couple of nice pictures.
The best thing about today was:
The toothless old men who talked to me in their villages and their lovely dogs coming to sniff and investigate me.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Little Fino got out of my control on a gravel surface and sent me flying over the handlebars. I handled the situation by laying motionless for a second and staring at the sky. I mentally checked my body and brains and found a few sore spots but no real harm done.
Something I learned today?
I finally learned the route around the checkpoint in Mae Chan. It’s not worth using it just to avoid the checkpoint but there is lots of beautiful land out there and I felt connected with it all.
You have three magic genie wishes, what are you asking for? I’ll not fall for this. There’s a reason for the saying ‘be careful what you wish for.’ Has any story about having wishes come true turned out well?
Any wish must not have any negative consequence for anybody or anything now or in the future.
(a wish)
Three more wishes, please. Etc etc Does that work?
I took this picture because this world is just so beautiful and I saw more of it on my bike ride today.
I am the creator I made myself insane No one can save me Or identify my pain If I’m the creator I’ll create a world my own Mastering my fate I must do it alone I’ll get what I deserve Whichever way it goes When my world is made I’ll be the one that knows
undoubtedly inspired by Robert Greene’s Daily Laws
Today I’m feeling:
Happy, relaxed and loved
Today I’m grateful for:
The students who have confidence in me and trust me. Those who reach out for my help. Those that just come and talk to me for their amusement and daring.
The best thing about today was:
The happy feeling around the school during the Chinese New Year celebration. Even the students who came to my afternoon classes didn’t mind being asked to do a little work. It was a relaxed atmosphere which generated a good vibe. I wonder if it was because there were fewer students around? I wish it could be like that all the time.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I took Boss to the hospital today and as we were walking from where I parked the car I realised that I didn’t have a mask and sure enough I got stopped from coming in. I cursed myself for leaving mine in the car and expected to spend 100 baht to buy one there. I ran to the shop and when I found them they only came in tens! Oh no! But as I went to pay the cashier said ’20 baht’. A (minor) worry for nothing more than an Aussie buck.
Something I learned today?
Eyes are everywhere. At the hospital, we ran into a teacher and when I got back a student from another class asked me why I was at the hospital and showed me a picture that someone had taken of me there! Chiang Rai is so small that the gossip moves faster than the people!
What new experiences do I want to try this year?
Wow. I don’t know. I don’t want to go skydiving or bungy jumping. I guess my answer would revolve around travel and going to new places. Indonesia, Borneo, Philippines, Vietnam, and Cambodia – an all-in-one trip with a touring band would be ideal!
I took this picture because I was hoping to catch the sunrise as I drove up our road in the morning. It is perfectly aligned with the road with the chedi visible close by. However, the sun was already peaking up so I had to quickly grab this shot. The shot I wanted I should have taken on Wednesday or yesterday. I probably won’t get up in time on the weekend and by Monday the sun will probably rise in a slightly different position. This winter has been mild, most days not even needing a t-shirt in the evening. I think it may mean a long hot dry summer ahead.
The primary kids having sports day today. Knowing my own students wouldn’t be interested in studying today I quickly thought to organise them into groups and sent them off to the stadium and set them a task to do a quick interview with all the teachers. It gave the kids a break and a bit of fun at the same time. They did it really quickly and I gave them the rest of the class off. There are probably only six weeks of classes left and even they will be heavily disrupted. Half the kids have given up already, it’s just one big playtime.
The best thing about today was:
As mentioned above, the change of scene for the kids was also good for me. I had a lot of fun too.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Arriving at school to find the road blocked off and getting stuck in traffic felt a little annoying but my first class started at 10 so I wasn’t really in a hurry (just to get to that first coffee really!). I didn’t know what event was going on but then I saw all the primary kids and asked John and he told me it was their sports day which triggered the idea for my classes. There was another school sports day going on too as well as some other event for older folks dancing and singing out in the middle of one of the football fields.
Something I learned today?
Mission of Burma are one of my favourite bands and whilst listening to the End On End Dischord podcast heard mention of another podcast with all three members discussing their first album so I listened to some of that today which was immensely interesting to me. One major thing I didn’t know was that Clint Conley went into rehab just after recording that album back in 1982. This is minor trivia but because it is music that has such a deep connection with me it interests me a lot. If I learned anything completely life-changing today I’m sure it would’ve stood out.
What gives you energy?
I was just thinking today that I feel more energetic if I exercise more. Breaking out of lethargy is a battle that has a good reward. Other stimulants give me energy from medicines, drugs, drinks or food but they all have some downsides too. I also feel more energetic when there are things which I have to get done. When there’s little to do I end up doing little.
I took this picture because Tangmo didn’t come when I got home but about an hour later I found him here relaxing outside our door. He didn’t smell too bad today. Just like a dog rather than his usual smell of garbage and dirty water!
Sitting at a desk struggling with pen The whispers sadden the heart Quietly goes the evening time As walls all around rip apart
No muse did visit this night And the pen resheathed in place But sleep offered little respite Nor the purring kitten’s embrace
All disappear in the morning glow Both good and bad, hard reset Return to the stool and empty paper Where no thoughts have emerged yet
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and needed.
Today I’m grateful for:
Everything! Can I be grateful for everything? New pens, the chemist that sold me medication, the check out lady that helped repack my bag and I joked with her saying thank you for doing it properly cos I’m just a boy, the nemo CDs Yukari sent me and I blasted today, my phone, the camera, each one of my lovely students and each one of the not so lovely students and even the students I don’t know that just randomly talk with me and this and that and everything!
The best thing about today was:
Switching to my teacher’s Facebook account and finding a three-day-old message from Boss saying that he has been feeling down and wants medical help. I urgently messaged him back and thankfully he was ok. I met him at lunch time and we discussed, via lots of Google translate, getting him to the hospital on Friday morning. We talked for about thirty minutes and he was tearing up at the end and as we were about to leave he held out his arms for a hug and I felt sad for him as he obviously doesn’t get any attention or affection from his father and he appreciates the help I’m giving him.
This all came after last night when I had sent a message to Mee asking if she was ok because she had felt sick and feverish in my class. She wrote back saying that she really appreciated my message because no one else had asked her how she was. We then got talking and she mentioned she is taking antidepressants which I found unusual as she’s only 12 or 13.
But that is the age that I started to feel depressed for no good reason and it was another 17 years before I was diagnosed so I think it’s ok that it is recognised earlier now though also cautious that it’s not just a quick fix offered by doctors.
Anyway, when I saw her again today she ran up to me and gave me a hug, along with Yok and Pet. They are not great students but I’m aware they have other, bigger things going on in their lives that have an effect. They are still great kids.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Anything out of my control was handled with calm and a smile. Really there wasn’t anything except the usual issues with slack students. It’s so regular that I don’t get upset about it specifically and handle it by contacting the headteacher who can deal with it as they please.
Something I learned today?
I’ve been checking dates and information on Treworgey Tree Fayre in 1989 and found a short BBC video about English festivals. I don’t remember seeing it before but I must have at the time, the violence meted out by the police (in the Battle of the Beanfield) on the peace convoy in 1985 was vicious and appalling. It made me angry all over again. I guess this was something I relearned today.
Write about your siblings…
Well, this is a simple one. I don’t have any. I can remember when I was in Whitehaven, aged between 4 and 8, I would tell my mum that I wanted a sibling. I knew Mum had a boyfriend and I liked him. It couldn’t be that difficult could it! It wasn’t until years later I found out that he didn’t treat her so well and that is probably one of the reasons we moved away.
I took this picture because I forced myself to go outside and find something to take a picture of. Cap followed me out and so yes, it’s another cat pic but look at him. Still a lovely old man.
Pissing time away, money ain’t gonna save us Betting on a 7-2 combo down in Vegas A couple of lines will cut the time in half Make me laugh Johnny, make me laugh
Stroking beards ain’t the thing to be doing When the dancing girls are being flew in Shiny lights ain’t enough in this big city Make me laugh Johnny, I’m feeling shitty
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and lazy
Today I’m grateful for:
The free weed that Matt gave me. I don’t know when I’m likely to use it though as I don’t like smoking it and don’t often use it in tea. I also already have gummies which keep me happy enough and is easy to measure the dose.
The best thing about today was:
Waking up before my alarm with Kim Chi investigating a good spot to lie on me. She likes my hip but is disturbed every time I turn over. After I got up she quickly transferred herself under the doona on Amy’s bed and I had to get her out just so that she would eat. After eating she went straight back and was still there when I got home around 3 pm. She loves sleeping.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My classes were both pretty much out of control for the most part but I went with the flow and it really just meant taking longer to get things done. The kids are just excited at the moment with sports week coming up but I doubt if they will be settled after that either.
Something I learned today?
Thanks to Matt I learned where to buy kratom leaves and Nam Kratom. The bonus is that there are two beautiful lively friendly dogs there too.
I took this picture because yesterday Tamgmo played in the garden with his friend. No new pictures today.
I’ve been keeping my app updated more than writing here (on paper) and I thought this was the last journal book I have here so have been winding down. However, I found another book on the shelf so I’ll get back into this again.
I went to see Matt at lunchtime and he gave me a bunch of homegrown wee and sold me a couple more vials of acid. He may also have a lead on some more in Chiang Mai in a couple of weeks. We are the quiet fiends not bothering anybody!! Haha! He also clued me into a Kratom seller selling leaves and bottles of tea in Wiang Chai so I picked up a bottle on the way home.
We met at the cafe near Happy City golf course and were kinda surprised at all the Koreans in the cafe, coming from or going to the golf course. Somehow they looked very Korean, all wearing special skin patches on their cheekbones presumably to stop the sun from burning their skin and also reduce the glare in their eyes. They all looked perfect. It was strange to see them in this dishevelled old wooden shack of a cafe.
Classes today were rowdy but fun. It’s difficult to take things seriously at the moment as there are so many days off in the coming weeks and before you know it’ll be the end of the semester again.
Amy and I are missing each other. She’s been back in Oz for about 10 days now and we’re both still readjusting. Even this will be quick as a flash though and she’ll be back again just after her birthday.
Aing and Now will come again in a couple of weeks. I guess they have other friends around here graduating.
I’m trying to get back into a decent routine again but finding it hard. I’ve got my energy back. I think the longer-term effects of Covid have gone (as far as I can tell) so I’m trying to do a little more exercise in the morning.
I want to read more but find myself resorting to YouTube and just watching comedy. I guess I need to laugh.
Those words came to me each night But I could find no pen to write Wondering what it is you do Since those times we once knew
Racing hearts and chasing dreams Of racing carts and laser beams The world was ours for the taking Or to be born of our making
Pages wait for this ink’s touch What to say, there’s just too much I hope you recall all we did Loving the slippery slopes we slid
19th Jun 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge – Perspective 28th May 2025- Shared with dVerse – regret. I often write about this specific event in my life, though my feelings are complicated. It felt to me inevitable, so I wouldn’t describe it so much as regret. I thought I’d try to write more specifically for this prompt, but I don’t have the inspiration for the short timeline. This poem is more of a look back and nostalgic and so is filled with some hope.
Today I’m feeling:
Happy but a little agitated. I feel like I should have achieved more than I have.
Today I’m grateful for:
Mum’s soup in the freezer. She made this batch ages ago but I haven’t had to eat for all the time Amy was here. With a bit of salt and pepper along with some Oasis dried gluten, I felt like a master chef. Thank you microwave.
The best thing about today was:
Tangmo brought his friend to play in our garden whilst I was watering and they ran and rolled and tumbled with each other in doggy joy. The new dog is nervous but I was almost able to pet him this time. I didn’t push it though.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Today was Teachers’ Day at school where monks come and do some chanting and speeches are given, awards presented etc. The event ran on Thai time and I was hoping to get out by 10 but things were still bumbling along at 11. I was entertaining myself by talking with David and Gus for a while, reading articles and playing poker on my phone.
I did get away and home by midday though.
Something I learned today?
I listened to a reasonable discussion between two Americans living in China discussing current affairs and got to hear a slightly different perspective on events there. I tend to ignore Western media commentary on China but I am aware that I do focus on the opposite and enjoy hearing positive things about China.
This discussion (Sinicism podcast) made me consider things differently and I’ll check out more.
Write about a few of your favourite family traditions?
As a son, we didn’t have any traditions in particular. I guess when we lived with my grandparents we always had Sunday lunch together and I can recall at Christmas, the relatives would come for lunch.
As a father, I’ve not really continued or fostered any tradition at all. Bronwyn is from a large family and any traditions would be held on that side of Hayden’s family. There used to be big family get-togethers that I would sometimes attend even when I was divorced, also taking Kyoko with me. I don’t think Amy ever went though and it’s possible I stopped going by then too.
I took this picture because it was unusual to see Tigger sitting in the middle of the lawn. It’s like he was savouring the sunrise and sucking up the goodness of the sun’s rays. Kim meanwhile had already buried herself under the bedsheets for her 8-10 hour daily nap.
The man with the winning smile Wins a front-page reward His shiny teeth are squeaky clean But he speaks like a machine And everyone got bored
The man stands above the crowd Surveys the plebs around A swinging dick and shiny head But a nightly empty bed With no friends to be found
Today I’m feeling:
Relaxed and chilled. Cancelled riding over to see Matt as I feel lazy and want to enjoy my home for another day. May go to Daytripper later but I thought that yesterday and ended up not getting there.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nut and Bruno again, this time bringing me food because they are going away for a week. A whole banoffee. I need to work these calories off!
The best thing about today was:
Walking in our driveway in the dark and looking at the clear night sky and the brightest nearest stars. I do this most nights and feel how inconsequential I am in the bigger scheme. I’m smaller than an ant. An atom or even less.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I had minimal interactions with people today and nothing went wrong at home. I have spent 95% of the day in my head where I had full (?) control. Maybe I couldn’t control my laziness today and I handled that with a delicious nap.
Something I learned today?
I learned that I can use ChatGPT to write lesson plans! But I will investigate more as I want to come up with more fun ideas for the classroom.
What are your top two favourite apps or websites?
Website is definitely Bandcamp as I use it to host promote and sell the tenzenmen catalogue. It’s easy to use as a seller and as a buyer and researcher.
As for an app, apart from this one (Day One) at the moment, it is probably Substack as it collects interesting newsletters for me to read when I’m free, rather than clogging up my inbox.
Art took this picture because he used it to post to Facebook to show Utopia is open. I don’t like myself in this picture though. I’d like to cut off my sagging chin!
A day of too much time Passes by lethargically slow Nothing got done And the day is gone before you know
Today I’m feeling:
Motivated and relaxed
Today I’m grateful for:
Our drain cleaning tool (again). It’s a bit of an effort but gets our pipes cleared 90% of the time and is a simple device. Good decision to buy it.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling like I did very little and realizing I’d done quite a lot, tasks that I knew would take some effort like fixing the screen outside my room and cleaning the gutter from the garage roof, which has my toe throbbing from a nasty cut. I’m feeling half dead and half alive. I know I could’ve done a lot more today but everything felt like there was little hurry.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Nothing much today. Late afternoon I found the neighbour’s kids riding around our lawn and I found it amusing kind of reminding me of my old home in Whitehaven and the garden we had there where we left it open so people could easily walk through the alleys. We had many lodgers who came and went and I was used to there being many different and changing people around.
Anyway, whilst it’s not out of my control it is something I’m choosing not to control.
Something I learned today?
I got into watching One Championship women’s atomweight fighting and had been following teenager Victoria Lee, younger sister to Angela.
Today I found out that she died on December 26th aged just 18. She didn’t look much different to my students and had a bright future ahead. Although her death has no personal meaning to me it doesn’t seem fair or right. I also feel extremely lucky to be here at 55.
Have you ever been bullied?
When I was in middle school I was bullied by older kids. I purposely stood out as the only ‘real’ punk kid and was tormented by the older kids calling me Sid. I tried to brush it off but it definitely helped make me bitter towards humanity.
I couldn’t understand how people could be so normal and boring and also not furious at the situation they were growing up into. I didn’t want to be them so I brought it on myself but better that than an average Joe.
When I became one of the older kids I sometimes resorted to bullying but I understood it wasn’t the right way to go about things. I also wasn’t beefy enough to be threatening.
I did acquire a vicious tongue though and was never afraid to speak my mind.
I took this picture because this gunk came out of my bathroom sink pipes! No wonder water was backing up. I could only unblock it so far and not sure how long it will be before I have to do this again. So much for a beautiful picture every day. However, it should be recognised I can do some dirty work every now and then. My hands aren’t always soft and clean.
Quiet as a mouse Softer than a lamb Tighter than a clam Dead as a…. (Lizard tail) Roses are red My blood turned blue Shadow in tarmac Ah! Fuck you! Frog, dead frog Dead frog Dead
To the tune of Nomeansno’s Dead Bob and inspired by the titular dead frogs that litter our road, squashed to shadows of themselves.
Today I’m feeling:
Enthusiastic though a little tired. Skipped morning exercise for 20 minutes of extra dreaming this morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
Yukari in Japan for sending me CDs last year and when they didn’t arrive she sent new ones. The original package arrived today!
The best thing about today was:
Sitting in my classroom before the kids arrived but sat in a different corner for a different perspective and supping a surprisingly delicious coffee. Savouring every second before the whirlwind commences.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As usual, my lazy classes turning up late with excuses and nonsense. I did what I could with what I had and lowered my expectations. The kids who were there stayed after class and we ended up having a better time than usual.
Something I learned today?
Guangdong province in China has turned around serious pollution problems from 20 years ago and is now winning awards for the transformation of its natural resources. Some of the videos look stunning. I’d love to go to China again sometime.
What would you do if you lost all your possessions?
I’d look forward to the gathering of many of them again. I love the search more than the ownership. I should do an online business to satisfy myself. Then I don’t need to keep the things I possess but just keep buying and selling.
I took this picture because I reminded myself that I need to take pictures (of something beautiful preferably) so when I was on my way back to school I took this picture. This reservoir is opposite the school grounds and it is an obvious attraction for students to feel thrilled and illicit.
A wife beater A woman hater A grinning smile A facade facile Every inch a man God his creator A good woman down A demonic clown A greasy spine A shiny veneer A bondaged mind Soon left behind A final punt A decade gone An unbecoming end Not even a friend
Today I’m feeling:
Tired yet satisfied
Today I’m grateful for:
Pure Bliss Kratom for getting back in touch with me so I can order from them again. I tried to order a couple of weeks ago but they had run out of packaging.
The best thing about today was:
Getting everything together for my work permit and giving it to Nancy. Not as difficult as doing my visa but still used to stress me out. Now it’s become more familiar and feels more comfortable. I was still glad to get this part done though. Next step is to take it to the department of employment and hand over money!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Two students asked to skip my class today to practice more for sports day. Eventually I said yes but knew that other students would then assume it was ok not to come and sure enough that’s what happened – the usual suspects.
Again, it made for a quieter class so that was a benefit. I marked those students absent so they will have to figure out why their grades suck at the end of the semester.
Talking with David I can feel he is frustrated by the lack of discipline at the school, not just students but with teachers too. He’s not so comfortable with the lack of structure and I get the feeling he might quit soon.
I can definitely feel my attitude has changed since I started teaching and also feel I may not be able to teach anywhere else after this. I mean, I’d have to teach properly!
Something I learned today?
Southampton beat Manchester City 2-0 which was a surprise. That will please my old friends back in Southampton.
What are your two favourite places to be?
Home
Anywhere else It’s here or there. Do people have favourite places to be? I like to be in the place where I am. Maybe I could say this:
Inside the body of a lover.
Inside the mind of a lover. Or
Standing in front of a maelstrom of music that is blissing me out
Lost in the words of a meaningful story. I guess there have been certain places in the world that hold a special meaning but they are not particularly places I would go out of my way to go to again. Certain places that were special because of a romance can never be visited the same with a new romance. Maybe I could say
Secondhand book shops and libraries
Secondhand music stores Yeah, I think that works.
No special picture taken today. This is one of Rich and Steve at Steve’s wedding that Rich posted online in commemoration of Steve’s passing in late December. Baby faces, amazing to see again.
1994ever 