I hate myself and I’m letting go
I’m about to tell you what I know
Transferring hate counters my pain
Until I start to feel the hate again
A vicious circle, beyond my control
I chose to further damage my soul
If you refuse this hate from me
How will I ever learn to be?
Closed my mind to all your tales
All my successes feel like fails
I found myself brought to my knees
To spread more pain as I please
A walking contradiction runs away
From all the friends that want to play
A pain no longer able to bear
And no helping hands left to care
A loser in life, love and existence
Taking the path of least resistance
Kill me now, I’m scared to commit
Suicide – I just can’t do it
8th Jan 2026 – Shared with What’s Going On – letting go
Today I’m feeling:
Bleary but upbeat. I hung around at school for an hour, enjoying hanging out with all the many students I know and even some I don’t know. I came out for coffee but sitting here for a couple hours has seen my energy levels fall and I decided to cancel my class this afternoon and go home, especially as Amy leaves again tomorrow morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
Some sun breaking through for an hour or two to dry our washing. I still have a couple of doonas to take to the laundromat that will need washing and drying which I’ll try and do this weekend.
The best thing about today was:
Coming home to find that Amy had mopped and vacuumed before she leaves tomorrow. As we have another long weekend coming I can enjoy a clean and relaxing house.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
We’d told Aing that I fly to Australia on October 12th so asked her to come here on the 11th. As I had to tell Bronwyn and Jochen what dates I would be there I thought to double-check my flight details and discovered that I actually leave on the 9th! Luckily we hadn’t booked her ticket already! With a few messages back and forth everything is confirmed and we’re good to go!
Something I learned today?
I watched another Jerry’s Take On China about how the US is stirring up trouble in the South China Sea about a reef claimed by both China and the Philippines. Amazing how easily reality can get distorted through the lens of corrupt and compromised media. I find it difficult to reconcile that I’m more likely to trust Chinese state media these days. At least in amongst the weirdly Asian political presentation style it is just generally facts that are stated. No opinion or bias just plain reporting. The criticism will be that it is completely biased to the party’s doctrine but that criticism can also be directed to any Western media these days too. No matter the many-party system, there is really only one party. As the old saying goes, ‘It doesn’t matter who you vote for, the government always wins’.
What are some of my favourite song lyrics?
All the quotes that I entered here for 2022 I entered into a little notebook to send to Hayden. As there was lots of space left I decided to fill it with lyrics that I love. But when going through them and looking at them as words they somehow lose their impact. Some words carry their emotion in the way they are sung along with the memories of sweet times gone.
1994ever 
Wow…
💔
David
LikeLiked by 1 person
I should note that this poem represents a ‘me’ of the past and not my current condition! I am reasonably happy these days.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am glad to see you are happier these days, Shaun. You have captured the feelings I imagine many young people have. I remember my own young years being difficult, with varying intense moods. I am glad you made it through. I enjoyed your notes about your daily happenings and hope your trip is wonderful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I use my past to connect with my students and hope I can steer them through the difficult times many youngsters experience. The education experience is slightly different for them (here in Thailand) as many kids enjoy coming to school rather than being at home, which certainly wasn’t the case for me! I hated school!
LikeLike
What a strong expression of the pain you felt at that time. Sometimes the ‘world’ seems almost too much to bear! Writing is a good way to deal with those feelings.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Mary 🙏
Although, sadly, my diaries were intermittent through my early years, I did somehow come to realise that writing was cathartic, even if it was only venting. At least it was ‘out’.
LikeLike
I feel the mind is just a three year old brat always bent on doing mischiefs and inflicting pain. It should be well fed with healthy food by “I” that dwells inside. Well put, Shaun.
LikeLiked by 1 person
As we get older we start to consider how all the different and conflicting ideas produced in our minds are all ‘us’. Agree, about healthy food (literal and metaphorical).
Thanks Sumana 🙏
LikeLike
I think it is wonderful that the kids like going to school. What a wonderful opportunity for you to make school so special for them that it will be an inspiration and sustain them for them for the rest of their lives. It pleases me that you have been given this privilege. I lived in Asia on off for many years. You bring back memories for me…..Rall
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Rall. 🙏 It certainly is a privilege and I don’t take it lightly.
LikeLike
A touching a powerful poem – journaling whether on paper or in your heads is so necessary. I also love your effortless flow of words and your process notes – Jae
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Jae 🙏
LikeLike
Sounds like you have had a difficult journey but, have found a way to redirect your path. Wishing you peace and calmness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 🙏
LikeLike
I’ve been there. Sometimes I’m surprised I’m still here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thankfully we are 🙏
LikeLike