“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
I am so happy and grateful that even when my favourite coffee shop is closed I can find good coffee. I am so happy and grateful that I can afford to go out and buy good coffee.
The last few days have been not so good. This weekend spoiled by bad mood and depression. I have felt inadequate and undermine all my good points. I have wondered what I’m doing here. What is my purpose and what is the point of me? Ugh.
This week there’s music from Estradasphere, Generation X, Hanadensha, Ken Boothe/Stranger Cole, Cat Power, Tipographica, The Monkees, Hayvanlar Alemi, Phleg Camp, 3D’s, The Fall, Keukhot, The Sneer-Towners, Sex Clark Five, Annihilation Time and The Nipple Erectors.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have so many choices for entertainment in my home.
I am so happy and grateful that I got access back to our Westpac bank account today!
3rd Aug 2022 – Both Amy and I hadn’t been able to access our Australia account with our phone app, although we were still able to use our debit cards. We tried calling the bank in Oz and whilst they were helpful there was information that we couldn’t quite remember so that they could confirm we were who we were saying we were! For me, I couldn’t remember the address I had in Adelaide, or even if I had updated it with the bank. It was frustrating for us but I can totally understand the bank not giving access.
And then – I remembered the correct password! Woohoo. We couldn’t get Amy’s access back though but all was right with mine, enough to even get a new debit card sent to Thailand.
To-do list
Hayden in hospital – far away can’t see. Drama in his life. Girls – damn, was that always my problem too? Glad I found a couple of good ones in my time. What to do – what to say? Talk to him later I guess.
Head not too clear – last night say goodbye to Nu as he heads home. Couple of beers – no drunk feeling but slight blurry feeling this morning. Head with thoughts but not clear.
Cracking creaking neck. Stretch it better. Bleugh, alcohol. Fat belly breathing up and down. Try to clear.
Teach tonight. Talk more. Am I good at talking– good at listening?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that my son was smart enough to seek help when he really needed it. I hope he can work through his problems and lead a happy life.
To-do list
As Hayden had had his phone taken off him it was hard to talk with him today but he called me at lunchtime and he sounded much better today. He thinks he’ll be there for a few more days and I hope they can get him on the right path. I think he knows about this but is finding it difficult to get away from what he is familiar with. He has also struggled with the idea of change but could give himself more credit for how well he has actually dealt with it in the past.
I was a little quiet today but actually quite happy, just wanted to listen more than speaking today.
I tried to do the mini-zine in the morning and I put all the ideas together but the execution was awful. I’ll work on a proper version and send it to him. It was fun to put together though and I’d like to do it for more people.
Alice Donut on brain jukebox today. Workers here already dig, dig, digging. Young fat Chinese-looking guy or maybe sumo.
Thai was tough this morning brain not ready. Stretch stretch stretch – feels good – my muscles are for a smaller body – muscles – 5 foot 10 my body 5 foot 11.
Making bed, so happy and grateful – imagine that I live in this house – wait! I do! We own it but in the end, we are just renting – we are not going to live forever. How lucky we are to be here. I have my room, my books, my CDs – everything. I love it. I have my health (just about!). Can I live to be 300? I feel like it might be possible! There’s things to do.
Wow, many thoughts seem clearer each morning now – maybe I’m not awake yet, need that coffee. Dream… Oh, wait I was dreaming about school I remember but now not sure. The more I try to remember the further away it gets. Time to meditate I bet when I do my mind will fill with ridiculous thoughts. Trying to remember that dream. Oh well, let’s practice.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for everything around me in my life. I’ve been so happy with our wonderful home and with my time together with Amy.
To-do list
Another simple, easy day with no real problems at school. George is still talking about conspiratorial faked moon landings and I can’t work out if he is really believing in these things or just trying to be provocative. I think it’s a bit manipulative to try and generate some discussion but it seems somewhat at odds to me with his usual calm and clear-headed thinking.
In the afternoon we met Kevin, Ben and Mike (three French teachers – teaching English) and I felt a little bit in conflict – particularly with Mike who I can’t help but be competitive with. He says things that make it seem like he knows things about me that he thinks are secret or don’t want him to know but actually, I don’t really have that feeling until he mentions them. I need to stop feeling like that at all and not play into that game – difficult as it is for me. I can realise my shortcomings, but can I act to improve on them.
In the morning Hayden contacted me and said he was in the psych hospital after having a panic attack and meltdown. He sounded very upset and it was a little difficult to try and find the right words to say to him. I can empathise with having negative thoughts and self-talk but personally never got to the point of panic.
He talked a little about what the causes of it were, though they are all external and are obviously upsetting for him to deal with but I don’t have a clear view of the whole picture.
I blame myself somewhat for not being a good enough role model and being absent in his life. I do think that I had given him my perspective on these things based on my own life experience but it can be hard for someone to comprehend until they go through it themselves. He shows many of the same traits I had at that age – self-doubt, low self-esteem etc. These are things I struggle with even now.
After talking with his mum to get more background it seems the stem of the current problem relates to his girlfriend who does not seem to be a person who brings him up but puts him down. There’s obviously some conflicting emotions going on for him and he’s struggling to deal with that.
Amy gives me her pointed advice and shows some frustration with me in not giving him a better foundation on which to build and when she asks me what I can do to help him I really don’t know what to say and then, what to actually do. Tough love is probably not the best option right now. His mum may wrap him up in cotton wool again and he still won’t learn how to deal with things for himself.
I hope he can accept that he might need medicinal and therapeutic help and arrive at the right conclusions for himself. I feel a little helpless and useless. I couldn’t be a good dad – just a person with the name, dad.
Nu and Aing came for dinner as Nu will leave on Friday. One by one our friends are leaving. I have just tomorrow to make some small gift so I really must make a mini-zine for him tomorrow and give it to him.
Tuesday 7 am – no workers yet, cancelled two days running. Sabai sabai. Just do a good job – a long lasting job.
Hot Snakes in head today. Mild-mannered Froburg, last night podcast – couldn’t get to sleep from tension in my legs – eventually, did – XOX – all Hot Snakes songs are great but sound the same
Why am I comfortable to sit cross-legged? It fucks my back but feels better at the time. Bruce, work today, visit bookshop – I love books – take another for Bruno.
Evidence – I am a believer in what can be known – not so much what isn’t known. Will argue with George over this for sure – but keep it good-natured.
What did I dream? I don’t recall. Talk with Andrew on Sunday – what about? What method – work it out. A Dinosaur Jr. riff – always different always the same – my head is full of musical trivia – nonsense – but so it is.
Finished my jigsaw – meditate on that. Observe. Sounds and light.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for all the people I have met in my life, good and bad, they made me into who I am.
To-do list
I took some time today to learn more Thai and didn’t get to do so much else. Another very chilled day with no real work to do as such. I felt happy and contented and tried harder to listen and get more understanding from people. George mostly.
He started talking about fake moon landings and I didn’t argue against him but asked what it is about these types of things that interests him. I gave him my reason for not believing in the conspiracy and we both understood each other.
The lesson with Bruce was good despite my being a bit tired – it ended up an enjoyable discussion.
I did spend many times concentrating on the feelings in my body – when walking, when driving and there were also a couple of moments during the day when I just felt very contented. I want to learn to hold on to those – especially when we actually have to work in class. We talked (me, George and Dylan) about making classes fun and enjoyable for the students and I have to remember this more as I fell I am a more serious and sombre teacher.
Hot Snakes CD on shelf while stretching has removed Heavy Vegetable – Gar Wood, Gar Wood, Gar wouldn’t listen.
Heavy breathing, hot and sweaty, 30 squats, aching back – tried stretching it out – wish my body felt perfect but I go on just ignoring the pain or diverting thoughts away from it. Wrist ache – thumb ache – from writing. Don’t want to stop. (illegible) today. Dollars – more pain – hopefully, alleviated.
Green, green the garden now so many shades of green – I love it.
Congratulated Amy on her sudden garden passion and all the work she put into it. Drive the truck today – needs diesel – have to remember it’s not 91! Remember yr toothbrush too. Where to park that massive truck? Let’s see – everything will be okay.
Tell Champ you’re going to the dentist. Go to the banks too – sort out PayPal and WeChat.
Hot hot hot – sweat gathered on arm. What else is inside this crazed brain? Get it out.
Slept well, woke up during the night to the sound of the aircon self-cleaning but ignored well enough and drifted back to dreams. Maybe annoyed Amy but she was too lazy to get up and turn it off. Nevermind. Amy is lovely. I’m so happy and grateful every day to have her in my life because she takes care of herself and all the things around the house. Good she is distracted with garden instead of just drinking the day away now.
Gratitude Journal
I am happy and grateful for the good time I had last night drinking beer, listening to Alice Donut and Can, and doing a jigsaw!
This week there’s music from Volcano Suns, Universal Totem Orchestra, The Controllers, The Piranhas, The Hollywood Squares, Rhun, Off Band, The Stains, Dead Milkmen, Ex Models, Dexys Midnight Runners, Dino Valenti, Unknown and Goblin.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my man cave. Last night we had a problem with our electricity so had to sleep in my room which was cooler and still had aircon.
To-do list
Another easy and pleasant day. I feel like I could do the things listed but didn’t fully invest myself in them.
*Amy interrupted my writing and I didn’t get back to it in the end – so, now it’s Monday.
With nothing to do at work now it’s becoming challenging to stay focused. Still, we’re getting paid and not being asked to work. It’s okay for now; enjoy it while you can.
Sleepy day at work after drinking two beers last evening. Probably not eating enough at the moment either. Would like to stay under 80kg if possible but think I may need to increase my calorie intake if I try to do much/any exercise. Should drink more water too. I never drink enough water.
Tiananmen – America burns – irony, oh the ironing – where did that phrase come from?
Core is useless – short plank – five reverse situps and 16 bike, at least I know it’s something I can improve.
Smoky air today despite lots of rain, coughing phlegm – neck sore from sleep – would like my neck to be free from pain – been a problem for so many years now. Look up neck exercises.
Still Heavy Vegetable* on the iMind player. Foot massage yesterday, good but ineffective – need every day! I can’t breathe anymore – I can’t see through these lenses.*
Fat Tigger purring in my arms – still eager to get down. No lap cats in my life. Maya and Inca.
Little garden changes – making a home.
Okay – some weights. Slowly, slowly changing body.
*was actually Thingy’s Ketchup Sandwich
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to discover so many things that I enjoy. They keep my brain satisfied.
To-do list
Weird day. Felt very good throughout but very unfocused – I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do but ended up finishing a book which was a good result.
Amy got annoyingly drunk by the early evening – but not annoying so much because she was drunk but I got quickly annoyed with her – I think because I couldn’t focus and wanted to – then when she came and distracted me more – I got unreasonably annoyed. I ended up doing more jigsaw which at least maintained my focus.
Then, around 7.30 pm there was a short in our electricity in the house that we couldn’t fix – which sobered Amy up quickly! We couldn’t get anyone to come and look so had to sleep in my room which still had power.
Slept ok but woke up with a cranky back – probably from lifting blocks in the morning and then hunched over the jigsaw for a couple of hours.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to drive the truck today. I can see the traffic coming now.
To-do list
Another very chill and relaxed day with no work to do. Getting paid for a full month was a fabulous bonus too. I was so happy that I hung out in my room pottering and reading and just feeling great in general.
Amy is really happy at the moment too. What she has done with the entertainment area has really pleased us both. Our house is getting even more like a home. I love it here so much.
It’s hot again and drops of sweat are blurring the pages as I write. Thanks for aircon!
1994ever 