Tag: cats

The Plough – 3rd April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The fire is out, now just smouldering
A burden the beast has been shouldering
Look beyond the mountain towards the sea
The red moon rising so graciously
A bell is calling to gather the bulls
A rope is the life on which it pulls
The will to work is never satisfied
Around the tree where stories are tried
Broken leaves sail down to earth
An imitation of an angel’s worth
All the chanting and all the prayers
There’s nothing dancing, nothing cares

Today I’m feeling:

Flat and sad. Lonely but not alone.

Today I’m grateful for:

Condolences from Art, Fon and Jess as well as Hayden, following up and checking in on me. I really appreciate that. Like Amy, I’m also feeling like not wanting to talk directly with anyone much even though people are being nice. 

The best thing about today was:

I tried to keep myself distracted as much as I could today. Washing bed sheets after Tigger sprayed next to the bed again getting some on the doona, going shopping, starting ironing, watching football. It worked for a while. I think I’m nearly cried out now.
 
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing springs to mind today. This is a quiet time now.

Something I learned today?

I found out that the familiar old guy at the Swans games (Kenny Williams, I also learned) had passed away recently and his ashes were spread on the Sydney Cricket Ground. He was honoured by the Swans with a seat with his name and also one for his wife who survives him. That guy was a legend.

What happened today worth remembering?

Whilst I was talking to Amy on a video call, Cap and Tig came out into the garden to do some investigating. Cap was in the corner near the termite mound and Tigger stalked him from the garage. Amy thinks Tig’s eyesight may be no good now and doesn’t recognise Cap from afar. These old boys are handsome and beautiful. I hope they can stay with me for a long time.


Amy took this picture back in November 2018 not too long after we got Kim Chi. Amy is putting together all our cat photos in Facebook albums.

And the light pours out of me – 2nd April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Confusions

This cracked mirror shows
The holes in the heart
Pieces drop to the floor
As the jigsaw falls apart
Put back together again
It’s never quite the same
Like a missing memory
It’s difficult to explain
Reorder, reimagined
Ghosts fill the floors
A handful of smoke
Rushes through closing doors
Voices in the distance
Are illusions of the past
Clear out all the cobwebs
These confusions will not last

Today I’m feeling:

Sad, down, and a little lonely. Our two Aussie cats are lovely but they never come and rub me nose-to-nose or come and settle on my lap. Kim Chi is everywhere in my memory but I want her here in my house. Sigh.

Today I’m grateful for:

Finding olive oil in the kitchen so I could roast potatoes, pumpkin and onion for lunch. My first proper meal since Friday. I didn’t see the bottle where I was expecting but later found it on top of a cabinet. It saved me a trip out. I’m not much in the mood for going out though I know I should
.
The best thing about today was:

Despite what I said above about having no mood to go out I can’t stop myself from coffee. At Utopia Boss was hungover so Noey made my coffees and though she’s still practising they tasted fine. I chatted with her for a bit, conscious that I was just distracting my thoughts.

When I got home I called Hayden and asked him just to talk to me to distract me too. He is sounding good and seems to have come around to the offer of taking a permanent part-time position with his work. He’s starting to listen more to the advice Bronwyn and I give him though we know it can take a few days for him to run it through his mind. He asked if I wanted to talk about Kim and I said maybe next time and after hanging up I couldn’t hold back the tears.

As I imagine many people reading this, some will think what is the big deal it’s just a cat, and other cat owners will understand. But I ask myself, why am I so upset? I often consider the fact that we are all going to die and have talked with Amy about being prepared for our cat’s passing. So, something was special about the love I have for Kim Chi. I’ve always rooted for the underdog and when she came into our lives she was very lucky. She could’ve ended up at a temple totally defenceless against other cats and dogs. Instead, she got to spend her short life in relative happiness with us. For some reason, she attached herself more to me than Amy and after Amy went to Australia I guess I was pouring all my love into little Kim.

I cried out for her. Where are you, Kim? I pretended she was in her favourite box in the walk-in and was rubbing her head and tickling her tummy. I opened a gap between my hanging shirts hoping to see her little face once more, looking out sleepily before settling back into a new position. Where are you, Kim?

I know your body is in the ground here. But where are you?

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Apart from my grief, there’s nothing in particular out of my control today. I’m also not really doing anything either.

Something I learned today?

Apparently, Zelensky has said that if Bakhmut falls to Russia then Ukraine will have to sue for peace. This whole war was a waste of time and lives and some people have gotten very rich from it. Humans can be shit.

What is something I love about this season?

In north Thailand, there is nothing much to love about this season. The forecast is for a heatwave for the whole month which likely means no rain to clear the poisonous smoke. I guess there are still good strawberries around but it’s little consolation.

I put this picture here because this is the last picture I took when Kim was alive. One of the spots she loved to sit and annoy Cap from, or to launch herself off around the house on a mad chase.

See you again one day, Hellcat – 1st April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

My Angels

I’ll hold you closer from now
That my heart is broken
Smell deep your essence
Hold tight your hand
Share thoughts left unspoken

We walk this path together
Against all sickness to fight
Step in my steps
Hold tight my hand
Jump off the edge in flight (my angels)

Today I’m feeling:

Very sad.

Today I’m grateful for:

The time I got to share with Kim Chi. Somehow she became my favourite cat. Time is not enough.

The best thing about today was:

…

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I guess that’s obvious. The emotion of grief is so strong. By the evening I was thinking about when I lost Steve and Kimi and how I’d felt then, comforted by the fact that I’m capable of getting over it. Now I’m still full of sadness and tomorrow things will be a little better and the day after that. I know I have to go through it and will have to go through it again in the future.

I also remember when my first cat died I didn’t have so much grief then, at least not that I remember. I think I was about 19 or 20 and I saw my cat suffering and was upset that the vet didn’t put him down straight away. I guess my anger replaced my grief in that instance. I’m glad that Kim didn’t seem to be suffering at the end.

I also think about filling that space left by Kim by getting another cat but I know that’s not a solution. I love our two cats we brought from Australia and they have been with us for more than a decade already. This grief will come again I know. They both have their own personalities and neither are really lap cats like Kim was a lot of the time. Cap stays around but doesn’t like being picked up. Tig loves rolling around in our garden. They are both very happy here which makes me happy too.

Something I learned today?

Death is just a whisper away.

What was the highlight of my day?

Hardly a highlight but I got to touch and stroke Kim’s lifeless body. I kissed her head and could smell her familiar smell. I covered her body with my old Idylls t-shirt and buried her in my favourite spot in the garden with a plant to mark her grave. Now I’m grieving and grieving hard. She was such a special little cat for me and she always showed me her love and affection. There’s an empty space here now that I know will soon fill again but right now I can’t stop my tears.

Amy took this picture because Hellcat has gone.

Broken Mind – 12th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Giving in to the
Broken mind
You got me down here

Pinned to the floorboards
Can’t stand up
Falling down again

Every time I rise
With the sun
Comes the clouds and rain

Giving in to the
Medicine
What is normal now?

Today I’m feeling:

Some aching bones but relaxed and positive.

Today I’m grateful for:

My blow-up neck stretcher. I don’t know if it really helps my neck but it does feel like it helps keep it stable and forces me to sit up rather than lie down to read or watch TV. I go through phases of using it and it has felt necessary for the last few days.

The best thing about today was:

Forcing myself out and enjoying sitting at Daytripper and putting together more lessons with Quizizz. It’s making me look a bit more at my lessons to see how to improve them. I don’t like to do work at the weekend but I’m spoiled with actually doing so little work whilst I’m at school during the week!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

In my ongoing attempts to counter the smell of cat pee in my mattress, I pulled off all my bedding, shoved it into the washing machine and headed off for my morning caffeine injection.

Waiting for that first cup I checked my phone and found a heavy rain warning for the whole day. Everyone is hoping for rain to crush the poisonous smoke in the air. But will it rain?

It was forecast yesterday too but with nothing eventuating. Just a smoky sky that even the power of the sun was unable to really penetrate.

Either way, today looks like more of the same. I’ll stick the bedding under cover and hope the humidity dries it out by bedtime.

(It’s 8 pm now and there’s been no rain and the hot humid air dried everything before lunchtime. Tomorrow’s forecast is a 90% chance of rain so let’s hope that that comes true!)

Something I learned today?

A piece brokered between Saudi Arabia and Iran by China. Could this be the start of lasting peace spreading around the world or will the USA inevitably stick its nose in to destabilise things for its own gain?

What is a simple delight I have been enjoying lately?

My two bottles of Curcumin C, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, activate my tastebuds in the best possible way.

Talking with Hayden has also been nice the last few times we’ve talked too. He seems a lot more open and not stuck in his head so much.

Yoghurt, muesli, strawberries and of course, coffee.

Our cats, despite the pee issue, make me smile every day somehow.

My students, despite frustrating me to no end, are all also delightful.

Life is pretty good.

I took this picture because I often see this furball sitting here in the beauty shop next door to Utopia. What a beauty but I’m glad I don’t have to deal with all that hair.

Big Cat Meet – 10th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

What is it? What is that?
It seems like an oversized cat
Sniffing and lurching as a pet
And yet….

Fear arose at eyes meeting
Ears pound with heart beating
Comes the rush of approach
I lay down my body, defeating
Please! No eating!

A sniff, a purr, a tentative pat
Mutual understanding of where we’re at
A roll and a push, off excited
I too, soon alighted

Whisper at your feral fears
Into the eyes, through the tears
Roll over as if to submit
Here where the big cats sit

inspired by a dream of meeting an unknown type of big cat in a park

Today I’m feeling:

Happy, relaxed, maybe even bored!

Today I’m grateful for:

Febreeze and its feeble attempts at masking the still-rank cat pee smell on my mattress. It’s doing its best.

The best thing about today was:

Testing out the Quizizz lesson I put together yesterday with Ploy and Praewa. They enjoyed it and I learned a few things from practising it with them. I need to add a little more detail and tweak a few things.

However, the concept may be good but I think the level is too high for my M1 classes. I will look for easier lessons to put together in the same way over the holidays.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Still dark, lost in a dream world, a thud and a scream sit me bolt upright as Cap and Tigger, a ball of furry yin and yang roll over me, their combined weight slamming down at my hip.

I grab the darker fury but cannot pull them apart, interlocked they are in a vicious grip. A second pull and a broken claw embeds itself in my finger and finally, they are separated and I fling the fuming ball across the bed but this doesn’t stop them and they reassume attack positions in the living room.

Good morning, Shaun, it’s a lovely day though there’s no daylight apparent.

Finally, the fighters back down and I return to my soft bed hot and awake. I check the time. 4 minutes until my alarm. I get up and shake the doona back into place and clumps of fur float through the still air.

Ok, let’s go.

Something I learned today?

Some private chats with a couple of my students helped me to learn a little more about their situations. With there being no classes and fewer kids around school everyone is a little more relaxed and open these last few days.

What is my favourite memory from childhood?

I’m going to say it was the common spirit we village kids had.

Forced together by location we went through all the usual ups and downs a group of teenagers would. Being out in the sticks with little street lighting, we entertained ourselves with endless hours of mischief, fire and explosions.

There’s not one specific memory that stands out but as I bring those thoughts to mind many more flood back and the joy of that childhood camaraderie remains special to me.

I took this picture because I was lazily reading in my hammock when these neighbours’ kids appeared and started blah blah blahing in Thai at me. They usually come in around this time every day adding our garden as part of their playground. If I’m watering I’ll spray them to hear their screams and laughter.

A Moment, Please – 9th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Take me to the perfect people party
A room full of fancied dress
Smoke and mirrors cooperate
To make meaning of this mess

This picture painted is a fake
Yet within, contains the essence
Deeper than those apparitions
Chasing love over lessons

The traveller lives in joy
Following rules of thirds
From friends to lovers to art
The meaning is within these words

Today I’m feeling:

Very relaxed! Not many kids were around at school and I told those who asked that we wouldn’t have classes which enabled me a lazy time at House before checking back in with students I could find and then heading home before midday. Chill chill.

Today I’m grateful for:

The girl I met playing cards at Daytripper about ten days ago remembering my name. I remembered her friend’s name and almost got hers right too – she is Panan and I remembered Panon.

I was busy with lesson planning so couldn’t join them this time but hopefully next time. I want to go there more as it feels to be more conducive to me working (blogging, writing, lesson planning) than home.

The best thing about today was:

Talking with Namkhing and Fah about study and what I’m trying to help them achieve. What was memorable was that they told me they prefer to study English more than Thai but then discovering the real reason is that they don’t like any of the Thai teachers because they complain all the time. But then I said that I complain all the time too and they laughed and indicated that that was ok because they didn’t understand what I was saying so much.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

There has been nothing to make me feel upset about anything today so the best I can manage, and is a generalisation, is the air quality today and temperature tonight. Handled with the air purifier and aircon. I’m grateful to have these available.

Something I learned today?

In preparation for an event that may occur in the next few years, I watched a video about Marcel Proust. The event will be me reading In Search Of Lost Time.

One of the points the video mentioned about the book was that we barely notice the 1000s of things happening around us each day and that things like art can connect us back to that.

This made me think of my last four years of keeping a gratitude journal and how at times I have to search for something to be grateful for but there is always something new to be found.

Also how my days are relatively uneventful but I am able to find happiness within them. I’m looking forward to reading those books but unsure when I can get to them.

What seems uncertain right now?

Isn’t everything? I don’t mean in a bad or negative way but nothing is certain. One day the sun won’t be coming up, just like yesterday there was no yoghurt at Makro. Everything that I think about is uncertain. It’s not that most things are likely to happen but they could.

I took this picture last month because all our cats enjoy Amy’s old bra box to sleep in. This time it’s Cap and then Kim will usually kick him out and then at other times Tig will steal this spot first.

One Way To Look At Three Cats – 15th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Among a single soft bed
Nothing stirs except
The slow rise and fall as the cats breathe

Their three minds
Like closed doors
To the bedroom containing three cats

Awake, stretch, turn and re-settle
These times of little drama

Two cats slumber together
As one
Three cats slumber together
As one

No favouritism at the sight
Each purrs with affection
Soft eyes stare at mine
Before closing again
To mouse dreams

inspired by the first five stanzas of Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird by Wallace Stevens

Today I’m feeling:

Reasonably happy and satisfied.

Today I’m grateful for:

A little breeze this evening that will hopefully blow away some of this smoky polluted air. The forecast is for many days of storms but with a 0% chance of rain! (As I finished writing this with Kim sitting on my lap there was a peal of thunder and the sound of rain on our roof! Hooray! Kim has gone back to sleep under the doona!)

The best thing about today was:

Relaxing a little with my grade 8 classes. I didn’t push them too much and allowed the class to end early knowing that I can test them on the work on Friday. My afternoon grade 7 class though was more taxing as they looked at me blankly when I asked them to find the verbs in some sentences, not knowing what a verb was until I gave them the Thai translation for the word ‘verb’!

This is another lesson for me to re-evaluate what and how I teach next year. I’m almost fully resigned now to let the students keep their phones, making each lesson very simple, with some element of artistic output so that the result can look good at least and then I will just grade the students on whether they do the work or not.

Having said that I hope that next year’s classes are of a similar level of comprehension at least. I feel like I’m at the point of just giving in to the easy way out. To make my life easier.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

This is more a continuation of the above but many of my students today still lack a serious comprehension of (what I generally consider) simple tasks and instructions, or even just making connections throughout what we have already studied this semester. I’m feeling resigned.

But I did come home with the knowledge that I need to change my approach. If I have to make life easier for my students, I have to make it easier for myself too.

Something I learned today?

A recent poll found that 56% of Taiwanese people distrust the USA and worry that they could be in the middle of a potential war that they didn’t ask for.

What small task brings me satisfaction?

What is a small task? Exercise? Feeding the cats? Reading? Cutting nails?

Ok, I’m going to say vacuuming my floors and washing my sheets. I can go do a long time without doing either so I do feel satisfied with a clean floor and fresh-smelling sheets.

Aing took this picture last week because I was the only one of us brave/dumb enough to jump into the waterfall. I only just got this picture and was quite shocked at how big the waterfall is and how small I am in comparison.

And Then… – 10th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

At the vanguard, the pinnacle
No longer an unknown fuzz
It doesn’t get better than this
And then it does

At the peak of the mountain
After setting the world on fire
Nowhere left to go after this
And then someone else goes higher

Supersonic humanitarian jets
Speed help to any disaster
Always first on the scene
Until someone else goes faster

Everything pushed to the limit
Achievement no longer a buzz
It doesn’t get better than this
And then it does

Today I’m feeling:

Rundown and a little bored and unenthused.

Today I’m grateful for:

The Mama noodles, egg, onion and dried protein from Oasis that formed my dinner. All the people involved in making, packaging, buying and selling and delivering these separate ingredients that made into my kitchen, my bowl and then my belly.

The best thing about today was:

I’m not in the best of moods today though purely due to tiredness. I did feel better after eating and did then enjoy reading another Anton Chekov story ‘Ariadne’ which at one point describes that deep emotional love of connection with another body that one must savour completely. I also got absorbed in another chapter of Affluenza in the evening too.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I couldn’t force myself up and out of bed this morning. I ate a weed gummy a couple of hours before going to bed last night and was maybe feeling the lingering effects of that. Consequently, I was late to get to school, which shouldn’t really be a problem this week though.

I went for coffee and struggled through adding more blog entries before heading back home and lazily watching some videos and finally hopping into bed with all cats present. I quickly fell asleep but also quickly woke up again which surprised me. I was still tired but suddenly I was no longer sleepy.

I could feel myself getting grumpy during Amy’s calling at dinner time. She was a little emotional about missing our cats and was also a little drunk and talkative. She happily talked whilst I prepared my food and ate it and I’m glad I didn’t let my own emotions take over and cut our conversation short. I felt a little better by the time we said good night.

Something I learned today?

Apparently, cats get whisker stress if their food bowls are too deep and bend their whiskers whilst eating. I watched our cats eat this afternoon and our bowls are good for them. This was information in a video about things to do to keep your cats happy. We pretty much do them all and our cats exhibit the behaviour of happy cats.

What was the highlight of this week?

Undoubtedly it was walking up to Khun Korn waterfall and jumping into the water. This week has been relatively quiet so this was an easy choice.

I took this picture because Tigger is so happy in this house. He has so many spots he enjoys lying, sleeping or rolling around. Today I had to give him another shampoo clean to help with his skin problem and afterwards he went straight out into the sun but was already rolling around in the dust and leaves.

Semantic Shift – 4th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Opinions formed around the scantest of facts
Reinforce the feeling to sit back and relax
Delegated control to the seats of power
Surveilled to submission from the tallest tower

Freedom enforced with lies told twice
Stock up on guns is the latest advice
The hole keeps growing for the empire to fall
Where democracy now means nothing at all

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and energetic

Today I’m grateful for:

This Chinese New Year peanut brittle I bought at Makro. It’s slightly crystallised from being in the fridge and is crunchy. I’ve eaten a whole tub today so I’ll be way over any normal sugar quota. My mum used to love peanut brittle, though had to stop eating it because of her teeth and dentures but I never liked it much back then.

The best thing about today was:

Having a list of household tasks to complete and getting them all done. No reading, writing or blogging today, though I did get in a bit of guitar.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The price of a cup of coffee has gone up at Utopia. What can I do? Buy less peanut brittle I guess.

Something I learned today?

I feel like I didn’t learn very much today! Or nothing particular that I didn’t already know or have an opinion on. One thing I remember from a couple of days ago was a comment about how the ‘international media ‘ as the West understands only covers about 15% of the world’s population. Hmmm…

What are three things I am grateful for today?

The fan that has been cooling me all day now that it’s humid again.
Bandcamp for having so much great music out there to discover. Today I found Focusrights who are awesome!
The hair bleach that I received from online shopping and had burned my hair a crispy yellow shade to disguise all the white.

I took this picture because it’s hot already and the cats are losing hair and staying cool by rolling onto their backs.

Teacher’s Lament – 31st January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Don’t be angry with me
I know you don’t see it
But I’m trying to steer you
In the right direction
I know you’re upset
Your fun was curtailed
But I’m trying to guide you
Towards self-correction

You’ll see it one day
Long after I’m gone
It will be you
With wise words to pass on

22nd Oct 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – correct

Today I’m feeling:

A little frustrated at first but ok now. Happy.

Today I’m grateful for:

Dr Arnon for giving me medicine and cleaning spray for Tigger’s skin problem without me having to take him in. Putting the spray on today though I can see one of the wounds on his head is big and deep, with the scab coming away. I just hope the antibiotics stop him from getting infected and it can heal quickly, otherwise, it will be another trip back for Tig.

The best thing about today was:

The very cold reception I got from my class of truants from yesterday and then as they slowly understood the work they needed to do and then have to read for me and as they did it, sometimes laughing at their mistakes and finally showing some pride at their ability to do it. They are smart kids just choosing not to be.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

This morning the students were kept late at assembly and straggled into class with many things on their minds except studying. This class (1/6) has broken up into little groups that distract themselves constantly so that today no one was listening. Frustrated, I just let them leave, considering other ways or things I can teach them. Speaking with their head student though she said it’s like that in every other class too. I have a plan for tomorrow but after that… I don’t know. I do hope we get better levels of students next year or I will have to continue dumbing things down even further.

And, on top of that, the reason they were kept late was that they were being told about next week which, I just found out, is scout week! Another whole week of no classes! Any possible momentum to get going after sports week, lost again!

Something I learned today?

Luckily the thing I was trying to remember yesterday was brought back to mind today as it was whilst I was listening to the End On End podcast talking about the Autoclave record and the track Hotspur. One of the hosts mentioned that Hotspur was the name of a character in a Shakespeare play (I forget which) and just word Hotspur reminds me of one of Rik Mayall’s outrageous characters in the Black Adder. I hope to find some books of Shakespeares’ plays with cliff notes to help me understand it all. I have one on the shelf already but it’s not really at the top of the pile yet.

What is something I want to do for myself in the coming year?
Lose fat.

I took this picture because it’s not often that Tigger is close to Cap or Kim.