Do you find it normal that there are daily demonstrations by ________? That women in love run away from their Prince Charming? That people dream about farms rather than love? That men and women sell their time, but can never buy it back again? And yet, all these things happen, so it really doesn’t matter what I believe or don’t believe; all these things are normal. Everything that goes against Nature, against our most intimate desires, is normal in our eyes, even though it’s an aberration in God’s eyes. We seek out our own inferno, we spend millennia building it, and after all that effort, we are now able to live in the worst possible way.
– Maria, Eleven Minutes – Paulo Coelho
Certain passages just jump out at you when you read them. Resonate with your thoughts and feelings at that particular time.
In the text, the blank is ‘Kurds’ in the first sentence, but this day I’m writing, or this day you are reading, you can fill it in with anything. There are sure to be daily demonstrations somewhere in the world, about some injustice or other, and so that we have spent millennia building this reality and despite all our efforts we end up living in the worst possible way – and that is what we perceive as normal.
The picture attached is not connected with this thought in any way. I took it this morning, riding around after finishing reading Eleven Minutes at my regular weekend coffee stop. The newly planted rice looked weak and vulnerable deep in the water. Though from the angle of the photo it looks much more cohesive.
There is a cafe in the middle of the fields, working the photo opportunity whilst the rice is growing. Rice is life here. Other fields are burning off their waste, ready for the next season.
The shack at the corner, a shield from the sun for tired sweaty workers to take a breath. It is a romantic structure, though I will never find myself in need of its use.
The big tree behind the shack looks strong at base yet scrawny at height. It looks climbable, it looks liveable – build a treehouse and live above the land.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for Amy’s yoga mat which I have been able to borrow and use in the mornings before going to work. Before I would slip and slide around on my rug.
Time flies by – things get done, things get forgotten, your laziness takes over.
Fern came to Utopia yesterday and I chatted with her friend Pim, who is a dental student. My teeth hurt all day. Annoying. Neck aches lower back aches. Tired, eating enough?
See what happens.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have a bed to sleep at night. Even if I don’t sleep well it is a safe place.
This is certainly not the rain of England. The snitty spitty in-your-face cold annoying dull grey wet of Atlantic weather. This is the joyous cooling rain of the tropics, life bringing to our plants – flood bringing to the roads and fields.
The fisherman was still paddling his boat around the river and I wished I was him.
Are you someone or no one? Are you alive or dead? – Subhumans, ‘Rain’
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the rain today. It’s cool and refreshing and feeding our plants.
Brain dump
Bad weekend full of negative thoughts – still now struggling with it. Hayden and I are the same – I can see now. When I look at his life there seems to be a key event that has caused him problems – i.e. when he got bashed.
I got punched a couple of times in my youth too but I didn’t put much significance into those events – but maybe they did leave some effect. I know I was dark for some time after both of them and when I look at them now I can conceive that I deserved to be punched both times. But does anyone deserve that? Am I selling myself short?
Stopped painkillers for now and double sertraline again – see if I can get some stability back. Feel like I’m too serious and not enough fun.
Talked with Amy last night. She pointed out that I don’t know enough about Hayden and his life. He always gets a little defensive about any questions about what he is doing though so usually I just wait for him to offer up information. This time I guess both me and his mum waited too long. Yes, I blame myself. But at least now is a chance to do something about it I guess.
I’ll try to talk to him about this today. Hope I can keep my own head clear.
Now it’s Monday and my head is on straighter. I woke up more inspired despite having to go back to work – where we are doing nothing. Somehow I was motivated – perhaps my doubling my sertraline. Perhaps by Amy putting things clearly for me before sleeping last night.
I was fortunate to be able to talk with Hayden this afternoon and he sounds so much more hopeful too. We agreed to talk to each other more often and in more depth in the future. I felt so much better to hear him talk more clearly and deeply. I told him that he is very much like me – I can understand the way he thinks and all the negative self-talk he puts on himself. I do that plenty too – usually, I can get over it well enough and I’m glad to say I’m over that little dip from the weekend. Let’s see if I can continue.
I’ve been spending what free time I have reading a lot this year and really getting into it. English books are a little hard to come by here – there’s just one guy who sells secondhand books from his house here. He’s a character – and not always particularly pleasant but his bigotry and short temper cracks me up more than offends. When you hear another foreign immigrant being racist to other people (who don’t live here), it kinds of shines a different light on things in some ways. Being English and white in this country is a double-edged sword – for me and for people judging me. It’s an unusual situation to be in.
One time I was sitting in his shop chatting with him when two early 20-year-olds, backpackers, had been browsing and brought two books to him to ask the price. They then spent what seemed like an eternity, but in reality was only about 30 seconds, discussing if they could buy both and carry both. I could see our bookseller getting more and more agitated and eventually he grabbed the books off them and shouted at them to stop wasting his time. He handed one book back and said ‘Give me 100 baht for this one and get out of my shop!’ I couldn’t stop laughing.
The girls were discussing whether they could afford to spend another couple of dollars or be bothered to carry two books instead of one. It was a very inconsequential decision that they just couldn’t arrive at. To have someone unable to make this decision when an extra 100 baht would really make a difference to this guy was obviously frustrating. They also weren’t to know that he was late to take care of a friend of a friend who was dying of cancer. Something done out the goodness of his heart. Humans are complicated.
Anyways, I’ve been stocking up books, trying to build a library of my own. Inspired by a friend’s room of books and old wooden shelves, which I always loved being in – to browse, to consider, to wonder, to breath in that mysterious air of hidden words. I once went into an antique bookshop in Albury and immediately told the owner that I wasn’t going to buy anything but I just wanted to look and smell the books. He was quite agreeable.
When moving from Oz to Thailand I grew accustomed to letting go of things that I had held with some regard. Of course, the things I held really dear I shipped over. It’s a good catharsis to sell or gift things that you own though. It’s not like we can keep them forever anyway.
I also remember a quote from a writer, maybe Marquez, along the lines of ‘one must die with a library of mostly unread books.’ Not sure my wife agrees with this philosophy but that’s probably why my office/library/man cave is in a room outside my house. I look through the books contemplating what I’m going to read next and can get excited with the possibilities. I turn my head as I’m sitting here and thinking about All Quiet On The Western Front, The Grapes of Wrath or Lord Jim?
On the iPad, which I use to read comics mostly, I’m thinking to start on Salman Rushdie’s Satanic Verses. It was the bookseller who got me interested in this as he mentioned it was banned in Thailand for some reason I forget now. He described the story a little bit to me and the idea seemed cool enough for me to give it a go. How can a country ban books these days when it’s so easy to transfer them digitally? I sent a copy of Animal Farm to a friend in China. Easy enough (and they’re still alive and free!).
The book I have been enjoying most is Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. I’m not sure where I saw a recommendation for this, though I’m guessing it was from The Daily Stoic. I’m guessing this because as I read it I see those philosophical themes throughout. The characters are fascinating in their different beliefs and ideas and Tolstoy makes you feel sympathetic with everyone of them.
I was never a big reader when I was younger and I was thinking that a younger me would have dismissed ever trying this book. Why would I want to try and understand about Russian aristocracy from over 100 years ago? What did that have to do with me and my life now? Ah, the stupidity of youth. I’m often envious of those who have found this beauty in the world at a younger age than myself. Why am I late to the wisdom table!?
I can only hope that in my teaching I can inspire the kids to get there quicker than I did. When I look at all the ‘trouble-makers’ in my class I only see my own stupid face reflected in their eyes. Ah, the stupidity of youth. But I wouldn’t really wish it any other way – and what would be the point?
“And so from school to the outside world these morals you will take…”
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my dreams. I can meet old friends, people who are no longer in my life. They stay close to my thoughts and experience.
To-do list
Email to Aaron and float the TCRAH idea to him
Give more positive reinforcement to the kids
Compliment one of the other teachers
Follow up with Andrew about Indra
Check on the IEC lesson for the New Year’s week, maybe plan something else
Did it list
Wrote email to Aaron. Made some arrangements with Indra for shows in Yogyakarta. Up to date with Anna Karenina cliff notes. Read 4 chapters of Anna Karenina. Did 30 squats and weightless shoulder presses. Posted to 1994ever blog. Survived one testing class today! Updated lessons to allow for the 2-day week at New Year’s. Cleared some emails and Chrome tabs. Brief online talk with Cake.
My regular English class were very testing today but I realised that my lesson plan was not so smart – the ideas were good but the execution was not so much. I don’t really know how to get the class to settle back down again after some excitement. I think to improve I need to be more aware of the class dynamic and arrange my lesson accordingly. Don’t shove too much into it. My other class went well though I still see room for improvement – it gave me an idea though, that hopefully makes the next lesson easier.
It’s been a long time between drinks. Around 23 years or so. 1994 was a life-changing time and then life took over and now I’m looking at another transitional period.
Life changes daily though. It seems slow but every detail matters somewhat, and if you care to remember it.
Right now I’m sitting in an office, getting paid and doing very little work of reward. The kind that is emotionally unfulfilling. But right now, I’ll take the money, thank you very much.
Somehow, over time, you learn that working for ‘the man’, as opposed to working for yourself, is something that must be exploited to the full. I managed to get myself into a position at one point of not doing any work-related activities at my job and started doing my own hobbies in company time. Somehow I was also well paid for this. It was always slightly precarious and eventually, it came to an end. Then it happened again – and with the same company to boot. I do thank you, although I wish it could’ve been more rewarding for both of us, to our mutual benefits. Perhaps I feel guilty. I know I would sometimes get annoyed when I actually had work to do that was interrupting my personal time and that’s not a good place to be.
The more depressing it became, the more I strove to distraction. I ended up being very productive. I could never make that jump though, to make money from doing the things I enjoyed. I am envious of people who have been able to position themselves in this way. I’m lacking in artistic talent, not through want of trying. Often lacking in concentration, born on the cusp of distraction entertainment as I was. The advent of new technologies only makes this worse and now that even they have surpassed my knowledge and I am like the old man programming his first VCR with only a 3-button remote, I sometimes pine for those days again.
My nostalgia is aligned with depression. I was deeply unhappy for periods of time that I now reminisce. That depression was an artistic motivation, a driving force. The actions often more thrilling than the results.
Right now, I am biding time again. In this strange period of inertia, the feeling of anticipation is immense and I am highly conscious of the grass always being greener on the other side of the fence. Hence to take time enjoying the moment, the present, the now. I visualise vividly a relaxing future whilst aware of the constant need for ‘work’ whether in some paid variety or just the work of remaining alive and managing the mundanities of life. I hope to derive great pleasures from the digging of weeds or painting of walls but worry that I will start to ignore the dust that settled in the corners many years before.
Luckily I have an outside motivation, my wife, Amy. Could I do it without her? Probably, but without so much pleasure, enjoyment and fulfilment.
The bones of the tale are this. In 1994, I relocated from small-town England to small city Australia. Sydney and thereabouts. In 2018, I will relocate from small-city Australia to small-town Thailand. In 1994, I documented my time in transition. I have not looked over those diary entries since, but the intention is to add them here alongside current musings. Let’s see how they compare. Let’s see if I have really gained some wisdom in the intervening years.
Something is wrong Just so easy for me to get distressed – just some little thing I hate it! Why? Because I didn’t get enough sleep or enough to eat? So I resort to drink – when I know it only makes it worse! It’s just nothing but it changes the whole day.
I love my boy But I can’t do enough. I really really don’t want him to end up like this part of me! I know there is good inside me – how can I give this to him?
I’m drunk I’m gone – it’s just a waste of breath.
25th Feb 2022 – When I look back at this today I can see that I was obviously dejected and glum about my life as it was but it’s noticeable that I’m very aware of it. It was just that I didn’t have the tools to make the positive changes that I needed. It would be at some point in the next year or two that I sought out professional help again.
I was living just a short walk from Macquarie University and occasionally would go and check out the library to find interesting things to read. At some point, I also enrolled in Chinese Language 101 so was around the campus even more often. It was then I discovered that there was a Psychiatry Department and as part of final year student training was 60 hours of real-life consulting. The students got real-life experience and best of all, for patients, was heavily discounted rates. At the time I think it was $20 per hour, where the usual rate could be between $80 and $150 per hour. There was a limit of ten sessions but this was too good an opportunity for me to get some help.
Image is an AI interpretation of the first three lines of text – made at NightCafe
Sat here in my room, next to the train line. Reading Ginsburg’s America. The planes coming down around me threatening to pass through my window. I wonder how quickly I can move if the nose ploughs in through the fern curtains. Into my life into my room.
The trains carry on past just glimpsing in as they go. The flowers outside dance in the wind, God’s breath giving them life. And the three cats sit and laze knowing attention will come their way, sooner or later – not bothered. Waiting.
The piano begs my fingers, though they know no melody and rhythm but I’ll let them dance over the keys, tapping out my song. When the right notes hit it feels me full of majesty, happy, high on life like no drug.
I wanted to write about number 41 when I was there but destiny altered that desire and now it will have to be done with hindsight. Though hindsight is better than no sight at all I wish I was there to clearly describe to you that plain old building, fifth along in the row of twenty or so. And with the events surrounding us leaving that blackens the view, dim’s the picture – which will have to be dragged from my clouded memory anyway. I’ll go away and think about it and return to disclose my secrets.
1980: Damned – Machine Gun Etiquette Dead Kennedys – Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables
1981: Restricted Code – First Night On Nine Below Zero – Three Times Enough Dead Kennedy’s – Too Drunk To Fuck Crass – Penis Envy
1982: Black Flag – Damaged
1983: Social Distortion – Mommy’s Little Monster Minor Threat – Out Of Step
1984: Husker Du – Diane DOA – Bloodied But Unbowed Anti-Sect – In Darkness There Is No Choice Subhumans – Cradle To The Grave Black Flag – My War UK Decay – Werewolf Cult Maniax – Cold Love Black Flag – Slip It In Black Flag – Family Man Subhumans – Rats Wasted Youth – Wild and Wandering
Phone Numbers: Paul Chambers Andy Anderson Justin Butler Simon Bradbury Dave Brown Alan (Josh and John)
Industrious and hard They get everywhere They’ll float on your drink They’ll get in your hair Armies of ants Coming from their nest I wish I was an ant I think ants are best
The Week That Was
Record of the week: Protectors – Macintosh Man (live), Spizzles – Scared
18th February 1985 Went to work. Was all right. Mike’s not here – good. Beat Ian at darts. Found out Subhumans is on Frinday – same as Void. Tried to organise getting up there. Alan (J+J) told me about rooftop Hotel gig on April 9. Went out but no one was about. Have to give out leaflets at YC (Wimborne) if I see Subhumans. 6
19th February 1985 Got up and pulled a muscle in neck. Went to work for morning but comae back at lunch time – it’ll have to get better soon. Went to sleep for about half an hour. Stayed in tonight. Can’t remember anything else about today. 5
20th February 1985 Didn’t go to college but went to Wimborne. Drew some money out. Tired to find Wayne. Didn’t. Went to Poole. Won 6 quid at amusements. Went to Setchfields. Bought 6 LPs, 1 12″ and 1 7″ for 4 quid. Went to Our Price – got a couple more records. Got bus back. Mum brought me home. Sung for a while. Scott came in while doing so. Went to YC. Vicki Hiscock was there and not with Jasper. 7
21st February 1985 Went to work. Brian was doing bulk. Fucking lifting off GGL-4 windows on me fuckin’ own. Day went by without anything happening. Piwi went home cos he’s ill. Went down Gaunts at night. Me and Muz and Burt thought we saw a burglar. So me and Muz looked about. Jasper came out. Saw some weird lights and shotgun noises. Pretty weird. 6
22nd February 1985 Today was pretty boring. Did a fucking hard test. Piwi wasn’t here. Martin and Largey went home. Rung around to find out if gig was on tonight. Got bike back at last. Went to Wimborne. Void aren’t playing. Met Ian – went down town.Wayne Lovell threatened to beat me up. Went to Football Club. Protectors were ok. Sold 2 singles – which weren’t bad. Simon Toms joined Royal Marines. 6
23rd February 1985 Went to town with tape recorder. Put couple of posters up. Drew money out. Wayne had had an accident so I still ain’t seen him. Got 2 videos out. Came back. Pissed around down Gaunts for a while. Played tennisn with Jamie and Bennett. Went down Muz’s. Got money back for videos by charging everyone who came in. Warriors – good. Quadrophenia (seen it before). Fuckin’ foggy tonight. 7
24th February 1985 Took videos back to Wimborne. Went down Gaunts. Japser’s being a shit. Bennett’s been fucking around on my bike so I’m gonna get him. Pissed around up at the common. Got done for being on private land. Went back to Gaunts. Jasper came out but just stood around. We pissed around though. Came back at 5.30. Had a bath. Invasion of the Body Snatchers is on tongiht but fell asleep. 7
1994ever 