Tag: time

There You Are – 8th January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

No matter which road you take
You’ll always sigh
And wish you’d taken another
Yet no error is a true mistake
Do you know why?
Because really, there is no other

inspired by The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost, who wrote the first three lines in a letter to Edward Thomas, whom the poem was written for.

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good, a little weird that Amy, who fills up my world when here, is gone again. Just me and the cats.

Today I’m grateful for:

A customer at Utopia who I’ve seen there before greeted me this morning. I returned the greeting and will try to chat more with him in future.

The best thing about today was:

Getting a bit of motivation back, though it took until it got dark again for me to start actioning it. I cleared a few emails in backlog, picked up the guitar again and sorted out more of the neverending files of new music to enjoy.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I told Amy about our broken pipe perhaps in the hope that she knew who could fix it. She called to her parents and soon they were here and Dad was hacking away at the concrete around the pipe. I wasn’t sure how necessary that was or what he was trying to do, but I let him get on with it.

Amy’s dad is ok at fixing things but they are done with ease in mind rather than aesthetics. Much as I would do if I attempted to fix things and that’s why I usually prefer to pay someone to do it instead.

Dad gave up in the end and said he’d find a plumber and come back. I think it would’ve been better to have come to that decision before hacking away at stuff.

I’m grateful for his attempt and I didn’t really get involved. The plumber will come tomorrow and let’s hope it’s not just some guy who Dad knows can fix stuff better than him.

After they left I ate lunch and forgot all about it.

Something I learned today?

The name of the game being played in the Lahu village yesterday was Khosue (in Lahu) or Lukon (?) in Thai. I’m not sure I got the Thai word right as I only heard it spoken.

Can you save your time?

This is a weird question. Can I, do I, did I? I’m not sure what it’s getting at. Time is not something that can be saved. Does it mean, can you do something more quickly? Perhaps, probably. But to what end? I could get other people to do everything for me and revoke any reason to live!

I took this picture because in my effort this morning to do some gardening I snapped the pipe that the hose attaches to. The world is testing me.

One Time Phenomenon – 4th January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Unique DNA makes you
What you are
Primal inclinations
Forces within
Moved to action
Mind grows
A seed planted
One time phenomenon

Inspired and borrowed from The Daily Laws by Robert Greene

Today I’m feeling:

Tired but happy and satisfied.

Today I’m grateful for:

The pizza oven at Bruno and Nut’s for quickly baking delicious pizza for me, Amy, mum and dad. Nut had prepared the dough and ingredients and we made our own pizza toppings. Bruno enjoyed talking with Amy’s dad and got us all invited to their home for a Chinese New Year celebration in a few weeks time.

The best thing about today was:

Seeing Tangmo and his friend running, playing and rolling around on our lawn as I was eating breakfast. It made me smile, these stupid crazy dogs having fun at our house. Just a few seconds later they were gone and I saw them running up the street in the distance.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The way I structured my last class of the day meant many students could take advantage and do as little work as they wanted but they needed to be ready when they were called. As it was the end of the day some students were keen to leave early and eventually when I called the next student they weren’t there, even though the class wasn’t over. I was a little disappointed but not surprised anymore. I was able to get some useful work out of maybe 60% of them and that would have to be as good as it was going to get. I need to think about a better way to keep the ‘free’ students occupied whilst I’m busy with others. I’m still a work in progress myself. Always learning.

Something I learned today?

Nut had prepared an Akha herb that I’d never tried before. It looked a little like a mini-sized mint and tasted a little like rocket with a hint of something which I’m not quite sure of. It was nice to munch on and add to the top of the pizza.

List three of your “greatest hits” from last year.

Greatest hits….? Hmm… In fact, a quick reflection doesn’t seem to generate any greatest hits particularly and I think that is a better place to be in. Having hits or highs would also mean having lows and I’d much prefer not to have those these days. But at a push…

  1. Riding around the rice fields behind the airport was nice, especially at golden hour. I did a few trips there during the October holiday and really felt serene.
  2. Another bike ride around the same time of year, this time with Bruno and across many mountains to the Burmese border and hanging out at a country school there.
  3. Meeting, befriending and watching my new groups of students. Seeing them learn and grow even a little was very rewarding.
I took this picture because Fon brought her handmade cookies last night but I only saw them today. This is a great one of me from a picture taken just a couple of days ago. I bet I taste good too.

Amy and I went to Bruno and Nut’s for pizza dinner and Amy’s mum and dad joined too, Bruno’s invite. Despite being tired from lack of sleep I was in a good mood, even joking with Amy’s dad a little. It was quite noticeable to me that I felt different to usual and I couldn’t be too sure why?

It was a lively evening of talk, Bruno and I talking a little about European politics which I really don’t know so much about. I felt it was nice to be away from all that where we can just casually chat about things that don’t affect us directly like they used to.

Dog tired at home and into bed and wonderful vivid dreams, I woke up to pee at one point, happy knowing that I could enjoy some more lucid dreaming again before falling back into a deeper sleep. That’s one way to be positive about broken sleep I suppose!

Tonight is Amy’s last night here before heading back to Australia and I likely won’t see her again for six months. I’ll miss her but we are both happy and love each other. Time is nothing.

Work In Progress – 25th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

All around is static
A photo reel reflection
I see myself, a boy, a man
Open to inspection

Shadows passing in ceaseless flux
A work in progression
Destruction and evolution
Are the cycles of obsession

Holding onto pain
Until I learned to let it go
Significance is impermanent
As I’ve slowly come to know

People who cannot suffer can never grow up, never discover who they are.

James Baldwin

Today I’m feeling:
Relaxed and average, not up, not down.
Today I’m grateful for:
Our machete, which I seem to blunt every time I use it but it helped me cut through the vines of the passionfruit. Do I need to buy an angle grinder now so that I can sharpen it again? Or perhaps I will go to auntie next door one day and challenge myself to communicate what I need.
The best thing about today was:
Pushing through my desire to sleep and motivate myself to finish pulling down all the passionfruit plants. I thought I would just let it go wild forever but after three months of constant collecting and juicing, then drinking I feel like I’ve had enough passionfruit now! The plant tangles up easily and even a couple of weeks after I chopped it off at the base it was still a pain in the ass to get it down from the frame it was wrapped around.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got up a little later than usual so by the time I got to Utopia my usual spot was gone and I had to sit on the uncomfortable car seat. That’s ok, sometimes it’s good to see the same part of the world from a different angle (see yesterday). The coffee was good, the book was good. As it was uncomfortable to sit for long I didn’t hang around as long as I usually do so that was kinda good anyway, get home and get on with things.
Something I learned today?
Today I messed around with ChatGPT and then the full Invoke AI, to see what pictures it came up with. I’ll learn a little more about this to see if I can use it to generate images for my blog posts.
Did you celebrate Christmas today? Write about it.
Not particularly. Amy likes to put up a Christmas tree and lights and she gave a gift to Nut and Bruno before we went for a more upmarket-than-normal meal. Amy is getting her eyelashes done and I’m listening to Liars and The Feud at home.

I took this picture because Amy finally got to making her cinnamon buns for Utopia again. They sold out within a couple of hours. Doing this makes her happy though the return on investment, particularly time, is very low.

Young Buds March On Pretty – 24th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

Why is this time dead?
A month to end the year
When will the winter wane
And snowfalls start to clear?

Eternal hope for spring
Give us one more go
Young buds march on pretty
Running beyond the slow

Why is December dying
And January a start?
Run no more towards the sun
Temper your beating heart

Darkness must fall before we are aware of the majesty of the stars above our heads.

Stefan Zweig

Today I’m feeling:
Tired, dizzy but in an ok mood.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s friends to take her up to Doi Chang overnight for a drunken adventure.
The best thing about today was:
Finding an interesting youtube channel of a Chinese girl travelling from Europe to China. It’s nice to see this kind of video from a non-western perspective.
Another thing was my old student Baitoey sending me a recording of her playing an online kalimba. She played Happy Birthday and wanted me to hear it. That was very nice of her and I appreciated it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I wasn’t sure when Amy would be coming down from the mountain. She called at 10 am and it seemed like it would be early afternoon but it turned out to be around 6pm and by that time she was drunk already and we had to get through some shopping at Makro. She was in a good happy mood and I just let her be herself and everything was groovy.
Something I learned today?
From watching the youtube mentioned above I got a quick tour around the small Chinese city of Guangde in Anhui and it made me want to go there.
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
The tune to We Three Kings as I was just playing it on guitar. It didn’t sound terrible!

I took this picture because this is the view from my afternoon position at Utopia because it’s busier than the morning and my usual table isn’t available. For afternoon coffee I drink a Dirty, a creamy milk with a shot on top, with chocolate shavings.

Tall Poppy – 10th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

At first, we like a winner
Until boots are filled too high
The smell of musk becomes too much
And needs to be demoted to ordinary guy

Nothing really belongs to us but time, which even he has who has nothing else.

Baltasar Gracián

Today I’m feeling:
Lethargic
Today I’m grateful for:
Samuel Beckett (again). I watched about half of Endgame with Michael Gambon and though was enjoying it very much it just made me think that reading it would be a better experience. Its absurdity is very English and reminds me of Vivian Stanshall, Gormenghast and Cacophony-era Rudimentary Peni. Philosophically dark and disturbed, tinged with my favourite laughless humour. I’m grateful to be English!
The best thing about today was:
Reading Anton Chekhov’s short story called A Happy Man. A simple text with a very obvious ending but the set-up was nice and satisfying. I think I felt comfortable knowing what was going to happen and enjoying the happiness of the happy man in question. It’s a reminder for us to be happy in our times of distress and discomfort.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I woke up tired and though could have spent the day productively resigned myself to a three-hour afternoon nap. It was a nice day to have been doing something but I found myself absorbed in nice dreams. I wondered if it was possible to just keep dreaming after you die.
Something I learned today?
I learned about a friend and their story (though told to me second-hand) and can empathise with their behaviours which I dislike. They are in a situation which is a little similar to one I have experienced a couple of times in the past and was difficult for me to deal with but I know now how to avoid arriving there. It’s not really my place to offer advice though I will try to help by perhaps directing their thoughts to other things instead. Distraction can be a good use of time as things may sort themselves out without any action necessary.
What’s the weather like?
This rather dull small talk topic I mention often when writing perhaps because it is still curious to me. Growing up in England the weather was strangely important, maybe it is everywhere. I’m nostalgic for the extremes of English days as they would bring excitement to the mostly dreary bitter days. Now I’m living in opposite-land though more often comfortable at a lack of having to consider what clothes to wear. This morning though I was slightly bleary-eyed, sitting in the sunrise and considering how perfect this day was. I felt awesome.

I took this picture because sometimes the things I plant are out of control. I like this tree at the front, I’ve never seen anything like it and have no idea what it is. Its branches grow in weird directions and its flowers are bright red. Amy wants to cut it back but I’m interested to just let it be and seeing how it develops. I know we’ll probably have to cut it down completely at some point if we build more. Behind are the trees Amy’s mum planted before we built anything, now tall and wide and the tallest is now completely overwhelmed by a climbing plant that has a smallish beginning down by the entertainment area. Again, I’ve let it go wild and enjoy the excellent shade it gives and the gorgeous fat buzzing bees its flowers bring but there’s a chance it will stop the tree from getting enough sun. I figure I will cut it soon though it will undoubtedly make a return.

One Thing – 5th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s all you have, there’s nothing else
All you held are old dusty dreams
It’s the time you are alive, this one thing
The only possession that is what it seems

Every moment wasted on the dramas of others subtracts from your strength.

Robert Greene

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and carefree despite still having to organise things for my students for tomorrow’s classes.
Today I’m grateful for:
The rental car company and for being able to drive around Phuket at leisure and without worry.
The best thing about today was:
Today has been steadily great. Right now we’re in the Hilton restaurant at the beach with free-flow alcohol. Good for Amy! This morning we had delicious brunch at another beach, along with Aing, after dropping Fern and Harper at the airport. Everything went super smoothly timing-wise and Amy and I drove back by the scenic beaches route with a quick circuit of Patong just as a reminder of being there 10 years ago. The lovely hotel we stayed at that time has been abandoned since, probably due to the pandemic, but there were lots of new ones and many foreign tourists around as expected. After dropping Amy back at Pim’s I went off book shopping and picked up one book I was looking for and another three by Studs Turkel, who I’ve never heard of, but was fascinated by the name and an approval from Kurt Vonnegot on the back cover of one. Awesome, even with the heavy rain.
Something I learned today?
According to surveys, Chiang Rai is the drunkest province in Thailand. Not sure how this was measured and it must be pretty serious as everywhere in Thailand loves a drink.
What are some of the challenges you face?
My biggest challenges at the moment probably revolve around health. I need to lose a little weight again and build up some stamina but seem to be suffering a little from what may be long covid. I get breathless and exhausted easily. I have aching hips and a painful neck, weak arms with painful elbows. I should focus a little bit of extra effort on maintenance in the next few months.

I took this picture because it was good timing for us to be dropping Fern to the airport near where Aing lives and Aing has a day off today so we could treat her to lunch. The food was great and the beach was good too.

Yard – 12th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

In between the cobblestones, dark and damp
Cities raise armies in dirty power games
Unseen except for curious men in the clouds
And relocated along with the rains

The world turns slow when not watched
No one pursues the moon across the sky
A violent vicious circle magnified
Inconsequential as it passes on by

The years teach much which the days never know.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and tired.

Today I’m grateful for:

The lady at Sensi Weed who explained about all the different types of weed and associated goods her shop had for sale. I bought a tea bag, a chocolate, 4 gummies and a gram of some weed. I ate a gummy tonight and feel a little lightheaded. Maybe try the tea tomorrow.

The best thing about today was:

Getting a backlog of things out of the way whilst drinking a couple of coffees at 22 Grams. I felt very relaxed and had a lot of patience whilst waiting for my students to perform at Central.

Do you eat red meat?

I haven’t eaten red meat for the last 40 years.

I took this picture because this is my student’s (Aum) dance group performing at Central in a competition. They struggled with nine people onstage. It was much easier for the groups of five. Sunwa also performed singing and dancing solo.

Youthful Idealism – 10th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Where’s my youthful idealism?
I fucking want it back
Now I’m old and tired
I’d rather just hit the sack
Why am I not shouting?
Thinking to make change
Wanting the best for everyone
Surely is not so strange
When did I give up?
Did I just get distracted?
Now I’ve got what I want
And I’m no longer impacted
Where’s your youthful idealism?
Why aren’t you complaining?
My life is almost over
But yours is still remaining

How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.

Matt Haig, Reasons To Stay Alive

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and on holiday
Today I’m grateful for:
The men who cleaned my bike. I know I could have done it myself but I wouldn’t have been so thorough.
The best thing about today was:
Getting some more blog stuff done whilst listening to music. Also finishing another book. I still look at my bookshelf with joyful anticipation for future reading.

Do you owe someone money? Does someone owe you?
I don’t owe money to anyone or any institutions. I am debt free.

I guess some people do owe my money but it’s in the past and doesn’t amount to much in the scheme of things.

I generally live by the rule that if you lend someone twenty dollars and never see them again then it was probably worth it.

Of course, I loaned out much more substantial amounts to bands in the past and mostly managed to chase down outstanding amounts.

If I loan or lend anyone money now, which is rare, I don’t expect to see it again but happy if it does get repaid. This is only because I am now financially secure. Let’s hope it stays that way.

I took this picture because this is the cleanest I have seen my bike since buying it. It was worth the 45 baht expense!

Losing Time – 23rd August 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

We’re losing time at every turn
Flowers fading, friendships burn
Ten years gone away decayed
Misremembered memories made
These stretched-out days are gone
No more excitements come along
Familiarity, habits and tradition
Time warped by their repetition

Knowledge is a dialogue and your idea and mine can refine each other towards the truth.

from Existential Comics

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our big washing machine that can easily clean our doonas.

The Week That Was – 28th October 1979

Passive Acceptance – 14th December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Injustices were done by the highest power
Judgements given at the midnight hour
No stories heard except for prosecution
A night of grace before execution

The following day punishments exacted
Grievers told their stories reenacted
Tears were shed, sighs resolved in pain
Prayers sent to a god that can’t explain

Based on a Khalil Gibran short story

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Amy filled the petrol in the car on the weekend which saves me 1000 baht this month.

Yesterday, I read a simple mindfulness tip to practice. Every time you open a door or sit down, take a second to consider the reality around. Become aware of everything around you. Possibilities and realities. Brace yourself (when opening the door to a classroom!).

I liked this idea and thought I should try it but so far, I have not remembered even one single time! I think my brain is constantly engaged with thoughts about what is going to happen and what I am doing, planning or even just nonsense thinking – my brain is too busy and I just don’t think about it. I’ll keep trying though. Gotta bring it to the front of my brain.

This morning I finished my second lot of 30-day abs exercises. It’s still difficult but I can feel it getting slightly easier. I have to do the next set before Amy leaves because I’m not sure how much time I’ll have in the mornings, with having to feed the cats, unless I get up even earlier each day. I can do that but it will be harder to push myself. I will also have less time during the day as I will need to find food for myself too.

Damn, I will miss Amy’s cooking so much!

Ok – back to it – one more class on this busy day.