Tag: gratitude journal

Misery Comedy – 18th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Not like Beckett, not absurd
It’s just as English as the word
The saddest laugh I ever heard

Rolling laughs don’t come from rolling hills
No pearly whites penetrate the mills
More bitter than the bitterest pills

And only laughing when it hurts
The summer wine no longer works
Born amongst the miserable jerks

There was a time when some British comedy TV became too dour even for me. Last of the Summer Wine and Only When I Laugh are referenced and remain memorable for their misery! I was self-aware enough to realise that watching these shows made me unhappy. I just wanted to laugh at something funny, not at something sideways.

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and useless. The grey of the sky is getting me down. It’s not like the grey of a cloudy sky. That sky moves and promises. This sky is dead. I woke up tired and have napped twice since. Everything feels pointless. No inspiration. No movement.

Today I’m grateful for:

My memories of Murray and myself philosophizing with our teenage imaginations at the bottom of the school field. We looked up at the sky and stars and had no idea how inconsequential we are.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing reading Death’s End. What an awesome book with big crazy ideas. Onto some lighter reading next with Michael Parkinson’s biography.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My positivity has fallen down today mainly due to tiredness I believe. My PMT or low point of my circadian rhythm.  Perhaps I napped my way out of it.

Something I learned today?

I read today that China has offered to mediate between Palestine and Israel in a search for peace in the Middle East. It’s difficult to imagine that it might work but if both sides can see the benefits of increased prosperity perhaps there’s a chance?

What place holds special meaning to me?

There are too many to mention. Today I feel like I am not living my life. My memory feels like a story I watched on TV rather than events that actually happened to me. The places in my memory are still there yet the actual places are not. They exist but are not the same. Sometimes it’s better for a memory to be repaved over with concrete.


I took this picture because as I was riding home from Utopia the mountains were more visible than in recent days and it can be seen how dry the jungle has become out there. The cows and bulls offered a perfect foreground.

Funhouse Mirror – 17th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 8 Comments

Looking at my twisting reflection
This is not real
Even on closer inspection
It’s just not me, I feel

Is this copy worthy of duplication?
Is it even a fact?
A mirror-to-mirror demonstration
Repeating all I lacked

I am bewitched by my own distortion
Will the real me please step forth?
Invested in psychological contortion
Searching for magnetic North

26th Apr 2024 – Submitted to dVerse OLN #360

Today I’m feeling:

Fairly positive, and cared about yet still with a nagging cold in my psyche.

Today I’m grateful for:

Nong Nut and Nong Fon for making and giving me food today. Nut made a delicious cheese, cream cheese and spinach bake along with some banana cake, yoghurt and more jam. Fon made her best sourdough bread yet and was delicious, toasted with cream cheese.

The best thing about today was:

I felt quite blissful as I was talking with Amy whilst sitting outside. I could smell food cooking coming from somewhere instead of smoky air for a change. The trapped heat in the house was not present outside with a comfortable cosy feeling of warmth. Another day has passed quickly with the feeling of little achievement though relative satisfaction. I have to remind myself that this is what life is. I don’t need to be jumping out of aeroplanes or be popular to know that I am alive.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I still haven’t got back any enthusiasm for listening to music. Apart from playing guitar a few times I haven’t purposely listened to any music this month. I know music can take me away but it can also bring focus right inside my head and I still feel like I want my senses dulled. I’m still in some kind of mourning. I’m getting used to Kim not bring around now and it even feels like she never existed, like she was a dream. That’s sad but maybe my way of coping. Where does the love go that you gave? It feels like it just evaporated.

Something I learned today?

Robotaxis have been given the go-ahead in Beijing. It would be weird to be in a car with no driver but still have a steering wheel and watch it moving. Why not just get rid of the wheel too? Anyway, the future is here. Where is it going? By the time you read this, you’ll be able to tell me.

What am I looking forward to this week?

I’m looking forward to having finished sorting out the hundreds of vocabulary cards that I started making last month. I’m enjoying the process of putting them in order after they all got mixed up during the process of making them. It’s one of those huge tasks that I enjoy as I watch it slowly get easier as it nears completion.


I took this picture yesterday because I like leaving these little models around amongst our little plants around the entertainment area.

Pit Ponies – 16th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Bandaged eyes for a holiday treat
A walking cough on coal-black feet
Animals and humans linger in shit
The bray and the neigh, murmurs the pit

Air to breathe, relaxed underground
There echoes the ever-tapping sound
Fathers tell sons to break the chain
Close the gates on working man’s shame

Time has turned the tide around
A union broken and unknown freedom found
Damocles laughs and makes some bank
The pit ponies nostalgic for the sulphur stank

Today I’m feeling:

Not too bad today but not particularly inspired either. Enjoyed starting to read the Brix Smith book whilst at Utopia. I didn’t want to stop so ended up drinking 3 coffees instead of my usual two. Amy’s brother called to come here so I’m waiting for him now but I can’t drink more coffee!

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy getting home safely last night and then for her flatmate who consoled her today when she cried over our lovely Kim Chi. I still miss her terribly but I’m getting more used to her not being around. Amy told me she was excited to come back in July to see all our cats but now her trip is tinged with sadness too.

The best thing about today was:

I really enjoyed reading today with the Brix Smith book at Utopia and approaching the end of Death’s End at home. I will miss this sci-fi series but have many other cool books to get into next.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

There are times I feel fatalistic about the future but I also know that making uncomfortable changes usually brings about a renewed sense of accomplishment. I have been happy with the way things had been going until the shock of Kim’s death rattled me.  At this point, I don’t know what’s coming. Amy is pretty unhappy to be leaving Australia and has such a negative attitude to being in Thailand again that I’m not sure how long it will last. I know she wants us all to be together but prefers it not to be here. Going back to Australia together in the future feels really up in the air to me. I have no idea what I can do there for work. Amy is keen on the idea of opening a restaurant which I’m not quite in the right frame of mind to attempt. A lot of time, money and stress will be ahead of that. Can I submit to that to make Amy happy?

Something I learned today?

I watched a magic video that showed how to make small objects float using a very fine thread. It’s a neat trick that maybe I’ll practice one day and show my students.

What are the details of my daily routine?

Right now, in the holidays: get up around 8.30, feed the cats, shower, ride to Utopia, drink coffees and read, go home and read (different book), watch YouTube videos, eat (depending on how hungry I am), video call Amy when feeding the cats, water the garden, sometimes play guitar, watch more YouTube, read more, watch Netflix, shower, get in bed, read books and comics on iPad, sleep. I’m not spending much time listening to music since Kim died; I’m not quite in the mood for it yet.


I took this picture because the ceramic figure reminds me of Amy and this is one of her cactuses that I haven’t managed to kill yet. I had to force myself out to find something to take a picture of today.

From 30,000 Feet – 15th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The view from above
A bomb or brain
An expanding universe
Must always remain
The view microscopic
Each atom crucial
The future in our hands
Exploded brutal
The view in the mirror
Pauses for reflection
Thumb on the button
Ending perfection

Today I’m feeling:

A little flat still but better than yesterday.

Today I’m grateful for:

The special Royal Canin food that Cap and Tig can eat. It’s expensive but at least it gives them some variety as they don’t have many options due to their health conditions.

The best thing about today was:

Taking my time watching the Swans play well against Richmond. I felt relaxed once we took control of the game in the fourth quarter.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Cap has to drink a supplement once a day. It’s just 2ml and has to be done with a plastic syringe into his mouth. He hates it though especially as it sprays down his throat. As I tried to administer it, Cap quickly moved his head, so I sprayed the liquid into my hand and onto my pants. I just laughed. I’ll get you next time Cap!

Something I learned today?

The one thing I can quickly remember was reading about a Thai guy (one of 9 siblings) who makes around 3 million bagels a year in New York. He works about 100 hours a week and also owns a restaurant. He has an arranged marriage and his wife is still in Thailand. I’m kind of fascinated with New York but not sure if I ever really like to go there.


I took this picture last week because I thought these mini houses, basically just studio apartments have a pretty interesting design and despite my 5 years riding around here I’ve never seen these before and they are probably less than 500 metres from home.

Broken Isn’t Bad – 14th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Broken isn’t bad, here we are again
It’s our destiny, what we’re made for
There’s no hiding from our inner pain
For some, it’s what they’re paid for
Scabs are formed around scrapes and cuts
Dizzy heads are spun amongst the stars
Feeling cheated and going nuts
These deeper wounds will form your scars

Today I’m feeling:

A little flat and a little bored. Missing that crazy cat.

Today I’m grateful for:

Free time. Netflix. YouTube. Books and comics. It’s a lazy day.

The best thing about today was:

Watering the garden whilst on a video call with Amy. It got me up and about instead of lounging around and napping.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I couldn’t keep my eyes open this afternoon so had to succumb to a quick snooze. I’m not motivated at all today. That’s ok. I know there are days like this and things will pick up again.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video about the cost of living in Bangkok and was shocked at comments saying they thought 200,000 baht a month was about right for someone single in their 20s or 30s. I know that’s not my demographic but to compare I live on less than 30,000 baht per month and the locals are getting around 9,000 for many jobs.

What is my favourite way to relax?

My favourite way to relax is after working hard. Right now I’m relaxing from one relaxing thing to another and it’s not my preference. I need the juxtaposition between effort and rest.


I took this picture because I’m having to pour my love into Cap and Tig. Cap loves to be close by though usually just out of arms reach. Though he’s usually lazing around he rarely seems to be in a deep sleep.

No Bricks, No Mortar – 13th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Keeping up with the Joneses and Smiths
Established in a canyon of glamour
Here are built the legends and myths
The counters to the sickle and hammer
There’s no volunteer to be the clown
As it’s just the beginning, just a starter
Their crushed dreams are raining down
Like confetti from a busted pinata

*Last two lines are a paraphrase from a sentence that stood out in Brix Smith Start’s biography and the inspiration for the rest

Today I’m feeling:

Better each day. I’m getting there. Today though Amy asked me to call her when I got up and when I did she told me her grandmum was rushed to the hospital after passing blood. In her 90s she still has a good brain but a failing body. 

Today I’m grateful for:

My phone’s alarm clock and my smart idea to set 3 alarms 15 minutes apart to help get me out of bed a little earlier. I’d like to get back into the rhythm of getting up early and sleeping earlier again.

The best thing about today was:

Talking for an hour with Hayden on the phone. As he gets older and has more life experience we can talk about many issues and subjects these days and I enjoy our conversations.

Also messaging with Echo in LA and catching up with her again which I try and do every 12 to 18 months.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy asked me to go to the hospital and visit her grandma in the evening after she’d been moved to a private room. The only problem is that today is the first day of the Songkran celebration and the traffic in the city was crazy. Whilst on the way there Amy called and told me to go home. It had taken her brother two hours to make the usual ten-minute drive from home to the hospital! As I’d been stuck in traffic for 20 minutes already I thought going home was a good idea too.  I enjoyed driving anyway as it gave me a chance to listen to more podcasts.

Something I learned today?

I learned that Echo is a ceramic artist and recently held an exhibition in LA, examples of which I could see in her WeChat Moments. I never knew that she was doing this and still not clear if she can live off her art but I’m quite amazed at her ability and pursuit of this.

What things are in my control today?

Some of my thoughts. Some of my actions.


I took this picture because I’ve never seen these fruit (or nuts – I’m not sure which) turn red before. This is on one of our palm trees. A quick search tells me they are foxtail palms (and they are fruit!)

Own It – 10th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It doesn’t matter what you do or be
Someone will tell you that it’s wrong
We’re just singing in a different key
Or even singing a different song
Expect judgement in advance
And carry on with a smile
Relish your unique stance
Revel in your personal style

Today I’m feeling:

Ok but still as if something has gone missing. It’s getting less concrete now and the other realities of life are breaking in.

Today I’m grateful for:

The expectedly surly staff at Immigration who gave me the forms I asked for. He was wearing a bright Songkran shirt and happily passed over the forms and I thought that he’s not really surly, he’s just being a little Thai and he’s at work dealing with all our farang shit all day. I wai’d my thanks and left.

The best thing about today was:

Picking up some mangoes and pomelo at the market near Oasis. The lady was helpful and I will enjoy eating them today and tomorrow.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I tried some magic mushroom gummies last night and they had no real discernible effect.

After my alarm went off this morning I dozed a while longer and vividly dreamt that where Amy and I were living ( it wasn’t here), in the garden a huge hole had formed as if dirt had been carried away by ants. I noticed our cactuses were even growing underground where they were now exposed by the hole.

I went back inside to get my phone. Amy wasn’t home so I wanted to take pictures to send to her but my phone kept messing up like there was some electrical or magnetic interference.

I walked out of the garden and the roads had flooded from rain I thought I had heard during the night. People were trudging through the water to their houses nearby. I noted the surroundings looked like it was in the New Forest somewhere.

Again my phone kept messing up so I turned it off and hoped to sort it out back inside. As I walked back there were people standing around but I suddenly noticed things were dry. Then I realised that it was the magic mushrooms and I had hallucinated the hole in the garden and the flooding. I woke up then.

An earlier dream involved me trying not to wake the devil even though I had to open the door. He was sleeping in a normal bed in a normal bedroom. To open the door I had to tell him the truth about who he was. I didn’t think this would be too bad as he already knew what he was but he didn’t know that I knew. I just wanted to get out so I was stuck in this paradox.

I remember waking him and feeling scared but not sure what happened after that.

All these bits and pieces make sense to me considering the TV show I have been watching, a German show called Dark. The story is good and imaginative and has at least kept my brain occupied.

Something I learned today?

I went to see about getting my driving licence updated and I learned about the documents I will need and that I should either get there early or be prepared for a long wait.

How do I want to feel right now?

Alive, awake, enthusiastic, and full of joy.


I took this picture because Cap is feeling the heat. It’s unusual for him to lay like this on the floor. Usually, he’s on the bed or sofa when he rolls onto his back. 

Beautiful Idea – 8th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Always searching for the elusive
Open to interpretation
Blown along like leaves in the wind
To catch on to inspiration
There’s no dogma here on the fence
With a view of the garden on each side
Just going along with the flow
And the push and pull of the tide
We’re humbled by the mysterious
In awe of those who rage
There’s a beautiful idea here
Just waiting for the page

inspired by Red Hand Files #229

Today I’m feeling:

Flat, sad. The fucking smoke outside isn’t helping as the light barely gets beyond a dusklike feeling all day. It’s like a typical English dull grey weekend sky. This just makes me want to sleep. The slight mood upswing yesterday has been brought right back to earth. How do I miss a cat so much? Is it my mistake to have focused all my love onto Kim without even realizing it. Is it safer to not love?

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy being able to visit Mai in Albury which helps distract from her own feeling of loss and discomfort at not being here. It’s hard for me to be enthusiastic on video calls but seeing Mai’s daughter YaYa is pretty entertaining as she is a very lively and active 5-year-old.

The best thing about today was:

I’m still unenthusiastic but the first coffee was good and the 20 baht of strawberries I picked up outside 7/11 were ripe and juicy. It’s good that the garden got taken care of and also to see Amy and YaYa.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve not quite got a grip on my emotions yet and finding it hard to be here without Amy. I know things will get better and it will take time. 

Something I learned today?

I came across the movie Made in Britain on YouTube today. I can remember watching it in 1982 and being excited by the music and the fucked up attitude of Trevor, played by Tim Roth. I seem to recall being confused by it at the time because it wasn’t clear to me what the message might have been as it amounts to either conform or go to prison. I know that was the purpose of the movie, that there didn’t seem to be any other options but that was little consolation to angry 14-year-old me. My solution was to run away to Australia which I think was the best decision of my life. Watching it again now made me kind of unhappily nostalgic. Those times were depressing yet they were all I knew. I guess inside I did still have a will to find a way out because that’s what happened. I can’t imagine what I would be doing if I was still stuck there. I was useless, with a bad attitude but I never had the guts to do the dumb things Trevor did in the movie. When my old schoolmate Jeremy boasts about having been in prison I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. Fuck I’m glad those times are over yet I still wish I could live them again.

Describe a perfect day from start to finish.

Right now I feel like answering this like my students would answer it – sleeping!


I took this picture because the gardeners came today and cleaned things up but this picture still reflects my sadness as all the things are still set up in Kim’s room in the centre. Going in there and sorting things act may be the final admission that she’s gone. I still can’t understand it.

Fragile – 31st March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Hang on in there
Don’t make this goodbye
Your eyes shine at me
But don’t speak those words
I don’t want to wake up
To hear those sad words
It’s in the balance, fragile
Like your kiss
I want to see you again

Written for Kim Chi.
30th May 2024 – Submitted to FOWC with Fandango

Today I’m feeling:

Fairly happy but stressed about Kim Chi’s health.

Today I’m grateful for:

Having been able to save a little money over the last couple of months which I’d planned to spend on myself but have been able to cover all the expenses our cats have had in March.

The best thing about today was:

The official start of the holiday for me. Also, see the attached picture.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After dropping Kim with the vet this morning they advised to come back after 5 pm which I did. Dr Arnon said she only has a 50% chance of surviving this latest problem which is a low red blood cell count and lung infection.

Kim looks very sorry for herself but tried to sit up when she saw me and heard Amy’s voice on a video call. I got the impression Dr Arnon was trying to give us hope whilst he didn’t really believe it. I guess I would do that too. Nothing to do now but wait.

It was difficult to talk with Amy. She feels helpless because she is so far away and I’m helpless even though I am near.

We are sad that we can’t comfort each other though. Kim has been dealt a bad hand after being left to die in the back of a truck and having leukaemia.

We know that her life will be short but it’s hard to reconcile when we’ve seen her so happy and playful most of the time.

I really hope we can see that again.

Something I learned today?

The Thai PM has admitted failure in being able to control the annual fires and pollution in Thailand. No shit Sherlock. Doing next to fuck all about it never amounts to much.

Reflect on a meaningful experience I had this week.

It’s hard to write anything at this time whilst Kim Chi’s life is in the balance. I’m questioning myself if I did enough for her, should I have taken her to the vet sooner?

In hindsight, I can imagine she has not been well for a while but cats are never that clear about showing distress. If this is my meaningful experience this week it’s not over yet.

KP contacted me again about doing the English camp on Saturday which I had to decline because, despite feeling better myself, the air outside is still at hazardous levels. In normal circumstances, I would do it but now my feeling is low about things. Sigh.

Jet drew this picture of me because I asked her to. She’s a talent. Not sure about the devil horns though. She was very happy with her overall grade and said she looked forward to me teaching her again next semester.

Origami – 6th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Can we keep this forever?
Hold each other’s hands
Never grow up or grow old
And always understands

Can we never reach the ending?
A story never quite told
A battery of endless energy
Origami that won’t unfold

Can we hold these memories clear?
And never ever forget
It’s too much to say goodbye
I’m just not ready yet

Today I’m feeling:

Exhausted. I couldn’t get anything done today despite planning to. I slept about eight hours, waking up just after 8am. I even did 60 star jumps to get myself going. The day though was looking grim. All that smoke from yesterday had settled in the valley like a nuclear winter, the sky dull and dead. After feeding the cats I fell onto the bed and gave up myself, deciding to sleep again, this time til midday. I forced myself out for coffee but only had the one. I just wasn’t feeling it. Unenthused, I got back in my cave with the purifier and TV and numbed myself back to sleep again, until around 4pm. I’m even looking forward to going to sleep again later. One of my write-off days. 

Today I’m grateful for:

Cap and Tig hanging around me this afternoon, perhaps sensing that something isn’t quite right. Tangmo has been visiting more too. They are trying to fill the hole in my heart.

The best thing about today was:

I guess I did enjoy my dreams as they removed me from reality for a little while.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

A courier kept calling me to talk about a delivery but they couldn’t speak English. I guess through translation they eventually messaged me and I gave them my Google map pin. They won’t deliver until tomorrow though and I think they need a signature so will have to wait for them. I was planning to go get a new driver’s licence, which is what I had planned today too, but looks like will have to be next week now.


I took this picture because yesterday’s fires are today’s nuclear winter.