Tag: tired

Foreign Policy – 12th October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

When my boot is on your neck
I’ll offer you charity for your aid
Then once our positions are understood
Your debt to me needs to be repaid

I’m sympathetic to all your woes
But don’t finger-point at me
Even though it’s no longer a secret
About my foreign policy

The blame lies back with yourself
And your own quest to rule
The floods and famine of God’s will
And you’ve been played the fool

You are the pirates, as I steal
You are the dictator, as I dictate
Look around for your own slaves
And look to me to imitate

I rained down democratic bombs
Gave you the freedom you need
You’re exactly where you are wanted
Precisely as I agreed

Today I’m feeling:

(2 am) Despite a long day, I’m still awake. Have a headache and tense legs. I want to sleep. I know I’m tired. But my body just won’t let me.

I’ve watched a star travel from the middle of the window until the edge, over these last three hours.

(11 am) I woke up again around 7 am with the sun shining through the window and was wide awake again for another hour. I managed to get up despite not wanting to, as I want to get coffee!

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to link my Aussie bank card to Apple Pay which makes it easy to pay for things here.

The best thing about today was:

The evening of jazz was nice and I enjoyed it.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After looking forward to walking down King Street in Newtown I was disappointed in the shops that are there now and that despite it being late-night shopping, everywhere except for bars and restaurants were already closing before 6 pm. The city too seems a little over-gentrified with only a few old-school shops being able to hold on and it won’t be long for them either. This is not my city anymore.

Something I learned today?

Sydney is not what it used to be.

I got a message today that we go back to school on the 27th which gives me a couple of extra recovery days. However, for some reason they want us to work at the weekend too! I think for us we can probably just go and clock in though. I’m not sure what they expect us to be doing really.

What is one thing that I have always wanted to create?

Since enjoying music so much in my life I’ve also wanted to make it. Unfortunately, I have little talent or education and now I don’t make enough time to do it despite having the tools available. There’s still plenty of time left, right?

I took this picture because this is the first, and maybe last, time at Lazybones jazz club in Marrickville.

Carcasses – 8th October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Held together with string
These bones are grey
No more gifts to bring
And just empty words to say

Thrown onto the pile
Then deleted
A last goodbye smile
Broken and defeated

Whilst wheels are turning
They often roll on clear
And all the bridges burning
No longer bring the fear

Not meant to thrive
And natural to decay
Barely kept alive
Forever felt this way

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions about the changing relationships of friendship over time.

Today I’m feeling:

A bit more lively at first but after an hour or two there’s some aching eye muscles. Again, tired but not sleepy. I have things I want to get done this morning though so I’ll push on through.

Today I’m grateful for:

Aing to come from Bangkok and take care of our cats for a couple of weeks whilst I go to Australia. Amy and I both appreciate that a lot.

The best thing about today was:

Chatting with Boss and Noey over coffee this morning.

Playing guitar for an hour again.

Dinner at Mana Mala with Aing.

All equal and taking up a majority of the day.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Time feels like it is flying out of control at the moment and I’m wondering what I will have to drop in the future as I don’t think I can keep going like this! Just stay flexible and ride the wave wherever it takes you.

Something I learned today?

Both Noey and Boss (at Utopia) broke up with their partners recently. Boss seemed a little down today so maybe he’s still dealing with it but Noey said she was over it a couple of days after the breakup. She also says she’s not that interested in finding another boyfriend and that most boys here are too short for her!

What is my deepest hope?

Ridiculous I know but I vote for the old-fashioned world peace. I mean that is my ‘deepest’ hope.

Other hopes are for personal health, happiness and satisfaction. Likewise for my friends and family and then outwards from there to the rest of the world.

I have a minor hope that Amy will be happy back here in Thailand for a while at least.

Hope both our cats can stay healthy for another ten years.

I can control some of these things to a small degree and won’t be disappointed if something out of my control sees these hopes dashed. 

Did you have any bad ideas this year?

I reckon I have bad ideas every five minutes but now I’m smart enough not to act on them. 

There’s not been anything that stands out on initial thought. I also haven’t really been attempting anything unusual or challenging that I might regret.

Maybe some ideas could have been executed better; I’m thinking about the record label mostly here. As I’m a little bit out of the loop with things going on around the Asian music scene it’s getting tougher for me to know who to promote to.

As I’m writing I’m getting a crazy idea to do a 7” for my friends in Stacked State as they are just about to release a new CD. That may be a bad idea financially but it’s not about the money.

I took this picture because P’ti is happy keeping guard in the shop window. I wish our cats could be so comfortable around other people. Coincidentally, check the picture from October 9th 2022!

Untold Story – 7th October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Your wisdom made you arrogant
Though smart enough to hide
Behind that handsome smile
Your true feelings kept inside

When the winner’s cup is presented
You’re humble in the glory
Just enough to disguise
Your secret untold story

A letter from future me (sent 7th April 2023)

Dear FutureMe,

Right now you are feeling so sad and down about life. One week ago today you took little Kim to the vet where they told you she would have to stay overnight. By the next day she was gone and on the following day you buried her next to the garage.

That first week without her has been hellish. With Amy away in Australia, herself suffering the sadness along with the inability to comfort each other, it feels like double emptiness. One little cat had made such a great impact on your own little life.

You try and fill the space with Cap and Tig but their own individual personalities don’t cut it. They have their own thing going on.

Along with all this is the terrible air pollution burning your eyes and giving you headaches. When you read this it will just be a memory and hopefully you are enjoying the clean fresh air at the end of rainy season and looking forward to winter. Don’t forget this though. This shitty air will come again. Be prepared.

As the ghosts of Hellcat still haunt you, slowly this pain will dampen and I hope that all you have now are the best memories of little Kim Chi and all the love she brought to you. Like all that you’ve lost in your life – mum, Steve, Kimi – they were special.

This is hard to write. I’m sitting here in Utopia feeling a little like not wanting to go home and be surrounded by the memories. It’s the holidays now and not wanting to go out into the foul air means staying home and subjecting myself to the constant reminders of that bright-eyed little one.

I hope you are feeling better mate.
Shaun from the past

Today I’m feeling:

Aching all over. Old muscles must’ve been activated yesterday. I slept well enough and woke up before my 8 am alarm but feel like today may need a nap to catch up fully.

I was dizzy drinking my coffee and have come home and got back into bed! I don’t feel sleepy, just tired.

Today I’m grateful for:

Yesterday! Despite my tired body, I feel great, especially after a two-hour top-up of sleep. Slowly I’m feeling (and seeing) the benefits of my exercise habit.

The best thing about today was:

I enjoyed playing guitar today and ended up playing for about an hour and a half. I didn’t do a whole lot of anything else much otherwise though. No exercise at all today. Give my body a chance to recover.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Around 2 pm I decided to go out to the shop next to Utopia to get my favourite dish, Lard Na, but when I got there the lady said she’d run out of the crispy noodles. She provided a solution in Thai that I didn’t understand but agreed to and waited with some trepidation. But I shouldn’t have worried because the thick rice noodles she used she had added an egg too which had gone crispy and tasty, all buried under the usual sauce, tofu and veggies I like.

Something I learned today?

I watched a couple more episodes of The Making of Apocalypse Now and understood more the parallels of the history, the movie’s story and the making of it. The crew went through their own kinds of hell to make it possible. Quite an impressive feat and one of my favourite movies.

What do I hope to achieve someday?

100? To wake up with no aches? Recognition, immortality, legend?

Complete 100% satisfaction and happiness?

I feel like I don’t have any real goals set to tick off any achievements and now I pass the mantle on to Hayden and my students. They have potentially more future ahead of them than I do and my hope is that they achieve some of their dreams and wishes.

I took this picture because this little buddy was pleased to see me again and quickly presented her belly for rubs.

Step On – 13th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

Stairs never-ending
Treading same old paths
Hungrily ascending
Reliving time-worn pasts
Sun beats relentless
As per the decades gone
Head spun senseless
Sisyphus is never done
When was really my time?
Did I ever really belong?

22nd Jul 2024 – Submitted to No Theme Thursday and the picture above

Today I’m feeling:

Ok so far, after invigorating exercise and a cold shower. Last night I set the aircon to turn off and despite waking up hot at some point, it wasn’t too uncomfortable. In the end though, I found myself waking up about 20 minutes before my alarm and thinking about Amy’s parents and what happens next and considering even longer term that if they are gone and if something happens to Amy too then who can I turn to for help? 

My energy is starting to flag a little by this afternoon though I feel quite contented. I look forward to getting home and hopefully, I sleep well tonight.

Today I’m grateful for:

Getting home after a long-ish day. I’m tired and hungry though not grumpy. Not yet anyway.  I picked up salad at the uni market, where I also bumped into Nong Na, and I’m savouring the prospect of eating it after a few minutes in the fridge to cool it down.

The best thing about today was:

Enjoying my grade 10 class as they struggled through taking notes on a phone call. Thankful for technology that allowed us to set up a group call that allowed myself and the best English-speaking student Toon to sit in the teacher’s room carrying out the conversation whilst everyone listened intently, or in bewilderment, on their phones.

Kru Nu came in at one point and sat smiling listening to us have the conversation. I hope the smile meant she was happy with my work and not a ‘what are you doing here’ ironic smile.

Anyway, most of the students struggled so much that in my break between classes I quickly wrote another conversation and found a video that they can also use for listening practice and we will do that tomorrow.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Despite feeling tired already during the morning, Amy had rung to ask me to drop by to see her mum and dad. With a busy day, it meant I would have to go after school finished, where I would have preferred just to get home quickly. I had already expected this call a little and of course, it would be the right thing to do considering the circumstances. 

So I dropped by, breathing deeply, meditating my way through my lack of energy. They both appreciated my visit and I asked them about Leo, Dad’s dog, and took him for a walk. At least he was walking when I could shake him off my leg. He has sharp nails that scratched me even through my jeans and leaves a bad doggy smell that Tangmo was very curious about later when I got home.

I offered to come walk Leo anytime they wanted and to call me if they needed me to do anything. They seemed happy despite the situation. I guess we don’t know anything too much yet, just that they have found the cancer. Things may get more serious and sooner rather than later.

After getting home and feeding Tangmo a snack I stripped off my dog-smelly clothes straight into the washing machine and showered off any further lingering dog juices.

Something I learned today?

With talk of operations and chemotherapy Amy told me about how Thai people she knows who have suffered similar medical issues in Australia had to pay very little for treatment there if they were covered by Medicare. One girl even said that she would now be dead if it had happened in Thailand as she wouldn’t have been able to pay for the treatment. Another plus for Australia.

What do I enjoy most about my daily life?

Morning coffee, reading books, reading comics, listening to music, talking to my students, playing guitar, writing here, post-exercise cold showers.

Which do I enjoy the most? Why do I have to choose? 

If it is something I most enjoy I would think I should do it more but I do these things just enough. If I did them more they may become less enjoyable.

I took this picture because we were taking Leo out for his walk. I want to say that is an excited look on Leo’s face and it may be, but that is also what he always looks like. Imagine just being constantly excited. It looks stressful!

Dead Skies – 9th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

No movement, no promise
Woke up tired again
The sky has gone grey
Dead and uninspired

Today I’m feeling:

In the morning I was feeling pretty happy. We had a Songkran ceremony blessing the director (or he was blessing us, I don’t know) and folks were having fun splashing water around. I got home around midday and, despite three coffees, I’m starting to feel sleepy as these early mornings are catching up with me already. I must resist the urge to sleep though.

Today I’m grateful for:

My former teenage self for reading books. For some reason, I never really thought of myself as a reader. When I was young it took me a long time to finish a book. On going through my diaries from 1983 and 1984 though I can see that I was reading a lot more than I thought. I can even remember the feeling of reading certain books though the story has long gone. I always saw my mum reading so I guess that influenced me more than I realised too. I surprise myself – when I think about it.

The best thing about today was:

Feeling pretty good at school with all the other teachers for the ceremony. I was able to do some online searching for lesson ideas on my phone whilst they did all the Thai speeches. The atmosphere was pretty positive despite the heat. My shirt was wet with sweat even just sitting still.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

This was actually last night though the result was this morning. Last night was the roughest storm so far and it ripped up another sheet of our roof over the entertainment area. It rained so hard and heavily that the gutters overflowed and in the garage, the water was overflowing into the underside of the roofing though thankfully not into the rooms (from what I could tell anyway). There were even hailstones pounding against the windows. I found the damaged roof this morning and wondering how we can fix this.  There’s nothing much that can be done about the weather except to know that it will happen again one day. Thankfully not much was damaged that hadn’t already been in last week’s storm.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video arguing that English shouldn’t be compulsory in Japanese schools because very few students succeed in learning enough of it. They were arguing that it wastes time for those students who are more interested in learning something else. It made me wonder about Thailand.
My friend Fui,  who I often see in House, always talks about education here. He has sent three of his four kids overseas to study knowing just how bad it is here. He agrees that students should be failed and be held back a year as other countries do rather than just passing everyone. Thailand must look good on paper but the only people it is fooling is themselves.

What is going well in my life right now?

In general, I can’t, or shouldn’t complain except right now I don’t feel particularly enthused about anything much. That will change I’m sure. So, really, everything is going well. I’m very lucky.

Pavlov’s fish. I took this picture because these fish are in the pond outside the cafe at school. Were they there before? I don’t remember. Their reaction to me leaning over to take a picture was to beg for food. Sorry fish.

Misery Comedy – 18th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Not like Beckett, not absurd
It’s just as English as the word
The saddest laugh I ever heard

Rolling laughs don’t come from rolling hills
No pearly whites penetrate the mills
More bitter than the bitterest pills

And only laughing when it hurts
The summer wine no longer works
Born amongst the miserable jerks

There was a time when some British comedy TV became too dour even for me. Last of the Summer Wine and Only When I Laugh are referenced and remain memorable for their misery! I was self-aware enough to realise that watching these shows made me unhappy. I just wanted to laugh at something funny, not at something sideways.

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and useless. The grey of the sky is getting me down. It’s not like the grey of a cloudy sky. That sky moves and promises. This sky is dead. I woke up tired and have napped twice since. Everything feels pointless. No inspiration. No movement.

Today I’m grateful for:

My memories of Murray and myself philosophizing with our teenage imaginations at the bottom of the school field. We looked up at the sky and stars and had no idea how inconsequential we are.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing reading Death’s End. What an awesome book with big crazy ideas. Onto some lighter reading next with Michael Parkinson’s biography.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My positivity has fallen down today mainly due to tiredness I believe. My PMT or low point of my circadian rhythm.  Perhaps I napped my way out of it.

Something I learned today?

I read today that China has offered to mediate between Palestine and Israel in a search for peace in the Middle East. It’s difficult to imagine that it might work but if both sides can see the benefits of increased prosperity perhaps there’s a chance?

What place holds special meaning to me?

There are too many to mention. Today I feel like I am not living my life. My memory feels like a story I watched on TV rather than events that actually happened to me. The places in my memory are still there yet the actual places are not. They exist but are not the same. Sometimes it’s better for a memory to be repaved over with concrete.


I took this picture because as I was riding home from Utopia the mountains were more visible than in recent days and it can be seen how dry the jungle has become out there. The cows and bulls offered a perfect foreground.

No Suffering – 14th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Do you wish not to suffer?
How to know you’re alive?
Wanting for others not to suffer
Is the goal for which to strive

The love that comes to you
Share amongst your friends
Til the circle is complete
And one’s suffering truly ends

Today I’m feeling:

Down and up, happy and relaxed right now.

Today I’m grateful for:

The counter staff at the hospital who assisted me today. One changed my phone number on file. Another asked me questions and advised me there would be a wait and another helped me to pay, all doing well with their English. I speak as much Thai as I can but know that they have to try hard to speak in English for me.

Also to Fon, who made me a small sourdough loaf and brought it to me at school. It was a little heavy but tasted great.

The best thing about today was:

Taking my iMac and SSD kit to the store at Central and getting a fairly positive response that they could fix it for me. It will be an expensive fix but at least cheaper than having to buy new and should hopefully keep me going for a few more years.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

At the hospital, I had to wait an hour and pay 150 baht for a one-minute consult.

As mentioned above I was warned of the wait so I happily sat and played poker on my phone and watched people coming and going, and despite being a little unimpressed at paying this fee for what was essentially just a mental health check-in as I was riding home I considered what this was like in Australia and how much it cost then too.

Really I’m very lucky to live close to a hospital where I can just walk in anytime and pay so little for their service.

After thinking in the morning that I would go back to a full sertraline tablet I actually started feeling more positive whilst I was waiting and decided to go for another three weeks at half dose.

Something I learned today?

Today was just more about US-China relations. I’m not sure why I’m so sucked into this topic except that I want to share the positives about China in the constant stream of negative propaganda out there. The actions of the US government in general disgust me.

Did I learn anything new today (on this subject)? Perhaps not.

Oh, related to this I discovered an archive site of articles that allows limited free access after following a link to one article that I wanted to read related to Mao Zedong. I will search the archive for other things of interest when I have free time.

What is most important to me today?

The health and safety of my family and friends or, in fact, anyone facing struggle. I can include myself in that. In general, there’s not much going on around me that is so important. Things seem under control.

I took this picture because I saw this muddy crew, this brown crew in a sea of green, as I rode up to the hospital. How can we tell if they are happy? I hope they enjoy their lives eating grass and cooling in the mud. It’s pretty fucking extreme out there!

Have my psych appointment today as a follow-up to switching to half a tablet of sertraline and I’m not feeling the best.
After dinner last night I went to bed early, not even bothering to close the gate or put Kim in her room. I just felt a sudden run out of energy. I slept well and couldn’t force myself up with my alarm but did stir after a few minutes, to find cat spray on the floor at the end of the bed.
Did half my exercise and could feel not quite right in body and mind. I’m still dizzy from the lesser amount of sertraline and finding negative thoughts more prominent though not overwhelming.
I’m leaning towards going back to the full tablet whilst trying to tell myself to push through reducing. I think with the holiday coming up though I will go back to the full tablet again. During the holiday I will have too much time with my thoughts. I need them to be positive.

Self Help – 8th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s a personal operation
I’m wielding the knife
Following my direction
Exorcising my life

Making deep cuts
Removing the clots
Tightening the nuts
Massaging the knots

Hacked and rebooted
Time to rise and shine
Finally, I’m suited
In this body of mine

Yesterday’s euphoria is not really present today perhaps because I was still feeling it last night as I bashed out guitar and wanted to read comics well past my normal sleep time.

So now I’m a little dopey and tired, which can be similar to euphoria until something niggly happens that can turn into a bad mood.

Waiting for 30 minutes at Immigration for a one-minute interaction could have done it but I kept my cool.

Now I’m with coffee so all is good.

I’ll go back to school and do a little more work, maybe go to Central and talk to the Mac repair people and see if there is any possibility of getting the beast fixed.

I’m already looking forward to sleeping tonight.

Today I’m feeling:

Happy, tired, relaxed.

Today I’m grateful for:

Having the fine comb/brush that I can use for Tigger to try and get his coat under control now that it is shedding everywhere as summer is trying to settle in during the daytime at least. The nights are still lovely and cool though, which may be confusing for the cats. The comb is full of Tigger’s hair with just a few brief sweeps. He’s a non-stop shedder!

The best thing about today was:

Figuring out I should be able to get my iMac fixed if I buy the correct components and take them to the shop at Central. Should be just a couple of hundred bucks as opposed to a couple of thousand or more for a new system.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I forgot how tired I was by this evening and now realising I probably didn’t need a weed gummy as it’s just knocked me out and I’m in bed at 8.30 catching up on last night already. Handled appropriately.

Something I learned today?

I spent a fair bit of time whizzing around Quizziz, building up my lessons for next year. I’m hoping that integrating with it more will be more engaging for the kids. I need to spend a bit more time finding others who have used it innovatively and then borrowing their ideas. No point in reinventing stuff.

What happened today that was significant?

Not really anything. Check out what I wrote was the best thing about today and that’s about as significant as it gets.

I took this picture because Kim Chi has found a new spot for herself. I was looking all around, inside and outside the house, until I found her here.

A Half Head – 5th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There’s a pink and a black
Could this be the game’s end?
Snookered by lust unsatisfied
Does the old man need a new friend?

A foot in two rivers
And maybe the sea will never be found
A head in two halves
A vehicle in which to be drowned

…at the last we shall not know which was the dream – the years of plenty or the barren years that descended like a storm in the night and swept our youth away.

John Middleton Murry

Today I’m feeling:
Tired but chilled
Today I’m grateful for:
Having some extra sleep time. I felt a little regretful at wasting my morning but I really enjoyed it.
The best thing about today was:
The uni student with half pink and half black hair. I liked it. It was very striking and I wanted to take a photo but I wasn’t in the mood for talking today.

I took this picture because this was my view from my table at Daytripper at golden hour today.

Love Is Blind – 27th September 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 5 Comments

Humbled to be the guide
The servant, the pupil
Heart soaring at every breath
And pluck of the string

Blind to her own beauty
Yet knowing it’s there
Seen by others without
Seen by one within

As the pale skin burns
He plucked out his eyes
So as never to forget
In his dreams, she is seen

Two united by cruelty
As ease in love, together
The lark and nightingale sing
Until they ascend the clouds

Inspired by A Portrait of Shunkin by Junichiro Tanizaki
21st May 2025 – Shared with dVerse – Intimate Moments

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

from Slaughterhouse 5, Kurt Vonnegut

Today I’m feeling:
A little bored and tired.
Today I’m grateful for:
For the bananas that grew in the garden and fed me this afternoon. I don’t know why but it still delights me to be able to grow something and then eat it!
The best thing about today was:
Talking to Amy and discussing some future plans. She’s currently thinking she may move back here on my next visa extension which is great but I want her to have something to keep her occupied when she’s here so she doesn’t overthink things with so much free time.

I took this picture because I was sitting outside and talking on the phone with Amy and enjoying the dusk turn to darkness and the temperature was just right to stay a while and contemplate things. Zooming in on the picture shows a bright star on the horizon. Mars or the north star, I’m not smart enough to know.