Running from myself, running into stories Running for my life, running past old glories Rolling like a rebel gathering no moss Rolling around, pretending to be the boss Running from stories, running into myself Running out of ideas, stuck up on the shelf Running along so fast, ran up to the top Running into tomorrow and I’ll never ever stop
A little underwhelmed again today. I thought about things I could do with my spare time until Amy decided to fill up the day with various tasks. Maybe it will avoid the inclination to have an afternoon nap.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding two inexpensive trees to plant that will hopefully end up providing shade for the kitchen. Amy’s mum said that they grow really fast. Tomorrow I will have to dig the holes for them but it shouldn’t need to be too deep.
The best thing about today was:
Eating a typical Aussie-style hipster breakfast of smoked salmon on smashed avocado on toast with fried egg. A bit of a treat as I rarely eat foreign food when Amy is not here.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I can’t quite rise out of this subdued mood. I have no enthusiasm or inspiration. There’s no spark of life in me right now. I just have to keep going knowing that perhaps tomorrow will be a little better.
Amy and I haven’t discussed what happened on Friday night and there still seems to be a little tension in our communications.
Something I learned today?
Today is Paen’s (Baitoey) birthday. She sent a simple ‘Happy birthday to me’ message before telling me that no one in her family remembered or did anything for her. That is terribly sad, if true. I didn’t dwell on that and instead wished her the best for the future.
I took this picture because I’ve been paying attention to trees and flowers as we went looking for possible trees to put next to our kitchen for some shade in the future. The tree we liked was about 20,000 baht including transportation and placement. Nice but we need to spare money for other things.
High on the dusty fumes Amongst friends old and new Above us, a high ceiling looms And a door beckons us through
There are tiny beautiful things Collected to devour High above, a princess sings With such emotional power
Such candies of peace and war Looking for old times lost Not knowing what to look for Or worrying about the cost
Along creaky floorboards and stairs The world can be travelled at home There’s nothing else that compares To reading in one’s own comfort alone
Cries for love in poetic rhyme Tears for another’s book burning Forever backwards travelling time A whole world ready for learning
Today I’m feeling:
Undecided. Still a little weary and the skies are dull and grey again though at least there is rain to make the pleasure of staying inside more appealing.
After lunch of Amy’s homemade lasagna, it’s difficult to stay awake and I thought I could play guitar but Amy has gone for a lay down so I’m struggling through. It seems to have gotten darker throughout the day somehow, the mountains drenched in dark most, as the farmer backs and forths through the watery paddy.
Today I’m grateful for:
The wind, our fans and the humidity. Despite it raining today and as it was forecast for the whole week I decided to wash my bedsheets, hang them on the terrace and shove the fan on them. Tonight I’m back in the big bedroom with clean sheets and another fan. Amy is out with Nut tonight and if she comes back late and drunk she can possibly not disturb me if I’m already sleeping.
Amy invited Bee to go with them but never got any reply before she left. Bee had commented on a photo that Amy shared of us all out at dinner, ‘miss you so much’ etc. but we know that she won’t be allowed out by herself by George.
Who knows, maybe she did get out in the end. But I doubt it.
The best thing about today was:
Watching Sydney hang on against the Bombers in the AFL. We have a slim shot of making finals still this year though to be honest we probably don’t deserve it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Just as I’ve been sitting here writing this Cap came in and pissed on Amy’s bed. A big one, FFS! Just as everything was starting to smell nice…
I took the wet sheets and pillow and dumped them outside on the terrace then soaked up as much pee as I could before throwing a bottle of baby powder over the whole bed.
Something I learned today?
My OG student Momo messaged me today asking me what question to ask someone to find out what kind of person they are? Cute! She’s switched to the Japanese program this year but from what I understand her pertaining to, she is online chatting with an Italian guy using English.
Quite amazing how far we’ve come from pen pals writing letters every couple of months to just being able to immediately connect with someone face-to-face on the phone.
Momo is a very intelligent and cute girl. She can snag a handsome Italian!
What is my favourite photo of the past month?
Oddly, it’s this one. I took four photos of these flowers which hang on big trees. None of the pictures were good but I zoomed in and cut the picture down to just this and it has something about it. The image has stuck with me.
I took this picture because these pretty dragon fruit flowers only look good for a day but they are big and cake-like fluffy. Still no fruit.
The future is heading faster towards me Time is running out to get things done But what exactly is it that I should be doing? I must be serious but want to have fun
When did I stop enjoying my life? I can’t remember when I last laughed Satisfaction always seems beyond my reach No matter how many times I grasped
Today I’m feeling:
I can’t say it’s been a good day but my feeling has slowly brightened since its beginning at least.
Today I’m grateful for:
The security guard at Central who didn’t move me on from waiting in the car outside the entrance whilst Amy ran in to get lasagna sheets for cooking lunch tomorrow. Thanks, dude. I saw you doing a great job moving barriers for the VIP car owners.
The best thing about today was:
A big sushi dinner in an odd little family cabin space near the city. What it lacked in amenities, atmosphere and Japanesness was made up with good tasting food. Makes me want to go back to Japan though. Nothing beats the real deal.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
After Baew and Mee had gone last night I helped Amy clean up the room not realising they had broken a glass and I had just walked barefoot through its remains. Luckily no damage done. Amy and Baew had managed to get through three bottles of wine and they both looked droopy-eyed and worse for wear.
I went in for a shower whilst Amy stayed a bit longer to clean and listen to music. After I finish my shower Amy appears with a bleeding foot, presumably from stepping on some rogue piece of glass. But she’s also annoyed that I didn’t answer her calls from the outside room to come and help. I hadn’t heard her calls as I was in the shower so not much I could really do about that. She didn’t quite see it that way but angrily told me that she was fine. So I went to bed, I was so tired by now.
In the morning I woke up and Amy wasn’t in bed and didn’t look like she had been. I went around the house and outside and the car was also gone! I called her mum but she hadn’t heard anything. I jumped on the bike and went around to her friend’s houses nearby and around the hospital car park looking for our car but no sign.
When I got back home the gardeners had arrived adding to the confusion. Stranger still, Amy was in the kitchen doing the washing up.
Asking where she had been I couldn’t get a straight answer but her foot seemed to be fine.
By now I was starting to feel wound up and angry. I didn’t know what to do. I took some deep breaths and tried to calm myself.
Often in situations like this I’ve found that just carrying on as normal and not showing any emotion will help so I asked Amy if there was anything she wanted me to do today to which she said no so I said ok, I’m going for coffee.
This first coffee tastes very bitter.
Something I learned today?
I really am badly affected by the lack of sunshine. It gets me down more than it should. I wonder if I don’t get enough sunshine even when it’s sunny because it’s too hot to be outside.
Anyway, these last two cloudy days have made the temperature more hospitable. I contemplated sitting in the hammock but still working my way up to it, preferring to sit in front of the TV instead for now.
I took this picture because the avocado tree is proving to be a battler after being brutally cut down by our gardeners.
A society of no use, no one else wanted to play Inspired to produce new anthems for today From the garage born, out onto the snowy roads Teenagers once forlorn gathers and explodes
Alienated and rejected, the world begins shaking Many more infected by songs the kids were making Playtime is over, the child juggles live grenades Better run for cover, here come the renegades
Inspired by a passage in the book ‘SNFU – …What No One Else Wanted To Say’ about Canadian punk legends SNFU.
Today I’m feeling:
Like it’s a catch-up day. Exhausted and blurry-eyed as I sit with my first coffee for which Amy has joined me before she goes to look after her grandmum for the day. Her family are off to Phan to offer prayers and blesses to their uncle in the hope that it can help them sell his land. Amy was quite relieved to not have to go and perhaps her mum understands that Amy is not interested in partaking in these events too.
Today I’m grateful for:
The man washing my bike for a couple of bucks. It hasn’t been washed for six months or so and some of the mud will be glued to the engine casing.
In the time it took me to look down at my phone and write this, it started raining somewhat negating the effects of the cleaning but whatever.
The best thing about today was:
Playing guitar for a couple of hours. It’s been a dull grey day and I kinda dozed for a couple of hours listening to podcasts and music. I couldn’t move because Tigger was happily sleeping on me and I didn’t want to disturb him. Baew and Mee came over for dinner and told of their troubles living back here with their family and their intention to go back to Bangkok. I enjoyed food with them but was itching to play guitar so left them to it. I found a few more Damned songs that I should be able to play along to.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve run out of money early this month so already eating into the visa money in the bank which doesn’t matter now except I need to move it back into our high interest account. I’ll have to wait to get paid to do that.
Something I learned today?
Inconsequential and irrelevant to pretty much everything but I never knew that Ted Leo used to play in Citizen’s Arrest and Chisel. I read his interview in Punk Planet and really connected with what he said, much more than many of the other interviewees in the book. I’ll check out Chisel and his solo stuff when I get time.
What is one thing I wish I could tell my future self?
These were the good times. You’re glad you moved your body more often and prepared yourself for the fragile years.
(All these entries are me telling my future self something. My future self will understand.)
I took this picture because P’ti was looking handsome and content in Utopia this morning.
A revelation of the vastness Of the universe *In the scale of the world Ego diminishes*
Sitting under this big night sky Lonely but not alone A life lived put into context Must be made one’s own
Ten thousand years will pass Turning all to dust Footprints left waiting in the mud Maybe seen by none When gods decide on supernova No one will wonder About all the thinking Under the big tree done
Sleepy, not helped by the fact that morning classes were cancelled so I had no flow going for that time. It’s super hot and humid and no one wants to study. I still have class this afternoon but luckily I talked with David who said that the class were behind in his work, whereas they are ahead in mine so instead of teaching them I can let them catch up for him. Happy happy.
Today I’m grateful for:
The English Cheddar cheese chips at Makro that hopefully will stay available and not just be a short trial to see how well they sell. They remind me a little of old England and the regular chips flavours that I grew up with like cheese and onion, salt and vinegar or ready salted. The flavour combinations here in Thailand are wild to me though obviously understandable. I sometimes need familiarity.
The best thing about today was:
Making some deeper connections with some of my quieter students in a more relaxed space than just in the classroom where their bored little faces stare right through me. It’s easy to connect with the studious ones and even with the ones who don’t understand anything but the quiet ones take a bit longer.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The whole school schedule is out of my control as I discover changes with very short notice and it has taken me some time to adapt myself to this. Now I’m more able to roll with the punches and today has certainly turned out in my favour.
Something I learned today?
Thaksin is due to come back to Thailand next month after 15 years in exile. I’m wondering if this could be a move to quiet any issues with the winners of the recent election not being part of the government? The machinations of politics in Thailand are difficult to follow but it all seems to come back to one word – corruption.
What would I like to accomplish soon?
This feels like a question for a younger person. Do I need to accomplish anything? Sometime soon, I need to clean my room and move my stuff back in there from the house. Hardly a big deal.
I don’t have any big goals or anything. I have plans but they are just things that will happen without much input.
I’d like to lose my belly fat but it also doesn’t really matter if I don’t because I can feel my health has improved in general.
This feels like a tough question to answer for me right now.
Rista took this picture because she grabbed my phone to take photos of herself and Namkhing. This is my lizard eye. One that I never notice in my soft mirror at home. I must stop smiling.
That day of heartbreak set me on a path I learned how easy it was to hurt others And through the maze of time and people It would be my turn to torture ex-lovers Then it took another decade or two To undo all the hurting done That started with that one broken promise Perhaps long forgotten by some Now worlds away from each other We all found our way down different paths If we stumbled into each other’s dreams Would they be full of our cries or laughs Wishing things were different always held us back We never knew better at the time There’s a little piece of you in my head That I promise will always be mine
Today I’m feeling:
A better sleep that wasn’t long enough. Pushed through an ab workout that I didn’t want to do. Feeling positive and content though I will stir further into action once I get some coffee, otherwise I could quite easily just fall back to sleep if the opportunity arose.
Today I’m grateful for:
Getting home and finding all my shirts ironed by my lovely wife. I had been putting it off because it’s too hot, even to do it sitting in an air-conditioned room. I’m also grateful to find out today that tomorrow morning there is some event for one of my classes so that I don’t have to teach them.
The best thing about today was:
Amy’s dinner. I came home hungry and Amy knocked up a delicious fake duck chilli jam, Thai basil stir fry that every single spoonful was scintillating down to the last one and even writing about it now is making my mouth water. To top it all Amy went out to meet her friends so I had a chance to bash around on the guitar for an hour or so which made me happy.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I fell asleep before writing anything here. Handled by writing this tomorrow morning.
Something I learned today?
I learned that Noey in 2/6 is disliked by most of her classmates although I couldn’t quite figure out why. Jet said it’s because she is lazy and always causes the rest of the class to have to wait for her to finish but I think there are worse offenders of that than Noey.
In general, how do I feel about how my life is going right now?
I think life is going pretty well. I’ve gotten used to the change of rhythm with Amy being back so when she is back in October more permanently it should be fairly easy to settle again. Amy is talking about her business plan so I’m glad to hear that. If that happens it would feel more settled for the future. Our health is reasonably good, our cats are old but in good condition. Our little family is doing okay.
I know yesterday was an old cloud picture day but I took this picture because this looked like it would brew nicely into something that cools down the evening. It was dark and I was playing guitar loudly by the time it hit and Cap ran under cover under the desk at the first peals of thunder and then static crackled through my amp with every flash of lightning. By the time I finished playing the storm was done and any coolness brought didn’t seem to make any difference as the humidity just increased. The rice field was ploughed last weekend and will soon be filled with a sea of green seedlings.
Staring away at the whispered words The smile no longer inspires Ghostly here amongst the sleeping Letting go of what love requires
The end of the story, said goodbye Seven minutes to break a heart The one that promised themselves so much Must find the joy of a new start
Today I’m feeling:
I slept in the air-conned bedroom with Amy last night but still didn’t sleep that well, waking up with aching hips or feeling too cold! Anyway, it was better than feeling hot and Tigger had also sprayed in our bedroom and it was still smelly in there.
My first class went well and has put me in a good mood as I sit here drinking coffee preparing for my next class in four hours and by preparing I mean doing something else besides thinking about teaching!
Today I’m grateful for:
My new pants that I bought yesterday and felt good wearing today. I tried the other pair I bought but even though they are the same maker and have the same label for waist size are about two sizes too small for me. No refunds. It’s a shame but I should’ve tried them on rather than trusting that they would be the same. My mistake.
The best thing about today was:
Firstly, having my last class, the troublesome rebellious lot, going well again and being a lot of fun this time, I’m glad that I made the change of style of teaching with them and whilst I don’t feel like I’m teaching them much at least they are practising their reading, writing and speaking skills to some degree.
Then, after school, Nong Na and Amy were waiting for me and we went off to Big C to get pizza and ice cream. It was good to see Na again, she has just started at the university in the Aviation faculty and I can already hear her improved confidence in listening and speaking since I last met her when she was in high school.
She is a quiet girl, never travelled far but is a good student and somehow Amy lit a fire under her and she has shown a determination to improve her English by herself. We are quite proud that she has come so far. She had never been to the Pizza Company store or to the ice cream shop so it was quite a thrill for her and it was our treat.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It’s ten pm and I’m in bed, ran out of time to play guitar today which I kinda look forward to even though some days I sit down to play and get frustrated after five minutes of trying. Tomorrow evening I should have enough free time though as Amy will go out so I await that with anticipation. Thursday will not be free but Friday is the start of six days off so I’ll get some practice time in then.
Something I learned today?
I’m in the middle of a questionnaire to discover my style of kindness at work but my eyes are drooping and Amy is already asleep on my shoulder so I will have to learn that tomorrow. I learned other things today for sure but what were they….?
How do I cope with stress and adversity?
By not inviting it into my head so often. When it does it always upsets me that I let it get the better of me.
I took this picture a couple of weeks ago because these two-tone clouds looked amazing on the horizon. Unfortunately, it didn’t translate as well into a picture on my phone but as I didn’t find the time or opportunity to take a picture today then this will have to do. Tomorrow – must try harder!
Our society is wealthy enough to meet our needs Yet organised such that violence is needed to survive Fight not crime but instead, fight those who create it A real civil society dictates what it means to be alive
Slept badly and though I know I’m tired I also know today is an easy day, at least beyond the fact that we are running around doing my visa which is a stress all by itself.
I forced myself to exercise a little this morning even though my routine is disrupted by Amy being here and us running around doing things.
Sometimes I can see how old people get grumpy when routines are broken. I don’t want to get set in my ways but I do want to get back into an exercise routine again.
Today I’m grateful for:
The visa officer who was kind and helpful and despite us having a small issue with a bank statement he allowed my visa to be processed and I have to go back in September hopefully to receive another year’s grace.
The process is always stressful and has Amy wound up and I try my hardest to not bite and stay calm. Having not slept well I managed until around 11 am and was starting to flag. Whether Amy sensed that or not I’m not sure but I perked up when she decided, out of the blue, to buy me some nice shirts. Later in the day I also found some nice cheap work pants too.
The best thing about today was:
Having the free time to deal with all the visa bullshit without too much hassle and still get back to hanging out with the kids at lunchtime and for my single class. Then back to shopping at the mall.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I lost my temper a little at the end of my class today as we were running out of time and a few girls were playing TikTok dancing on their phones. It passed quickly when I took the phone away and told them that they could get it back from their homeroom teacher at the end of the day. When the class finished one of the girls stayed behind and was suitably contrite, asking for the phone back. I was okay to do that this time with a reminder that next time it will definitely happen.
Something I learned today?
I found out that the visa officers at immigration get their lunchtime coffees at House. They came in as I was leaving today.
What are some activities or hobbies that bring me joy?
Joy? Sometimes when I’m riding my motorbike I get a feeling approaching joy. The smells, the air (when it’s clean), the cool of the shade, the freedom to discover.
In the classroom, there are occasions when joy erupts, which is less easy when you’re on the teaching side of the equation.
Otherwise, there are times of happiness, satisfaction and fun but joy is not an emotion I particularly need to chase after. Small brief moments are preferable.
Takky took this picture because, for my visa application, we have to take photos in our bedroom, outside our front gate and, for this year, we turned the teaching room into our living room as Amy entertained there last night.
Dieter, where did you come from? And where are you going on that train? A coat and cigarette keep warm There’s a look on your face I can’t explain
Your eyes reflect the blur outside You look lost in what’s gone past Speeding headlong backwards, onwards Out into the cold world so vast
Moving at speed whilst quietly sitting still The dust of the morning on your mind Stepping onto the platform, time stood still As you contemplated what you’d find
When you look out, you’re looking for me I don’t mean for me to be seen I mean you’re seeing the things I see Reflected in all the places that I’ve been
I recognise your heart and passion I see you collecting everyone’s thoughts The future is heading right toward us As we must navigate these ports
inspired by the attached photo, written about at Spinning Visions blog 15th Mar 2024 – Submitted to dVerse ONL 19th Jun 2024 – Submitted to dVerse – traveling by train
Today I’m feeling:
Struggled to get up after a difficult sleep. It was still over 30 degrees in my bedroom at midnight so I had to shove the fan next to the open window again and by the time it was getting light, I started to feel cool. Having the weight of the two fish I ate last night sitting in my stomach didn’t help either. Finally, I slowly stretched, cobra, child’s pose, cat and cow and opened my eyes. I felt okay. I talked myself into riding my pushbike to Utopia and eventually (see picture below) am relaxing with caffeine, considering a third cup to cap it all off.
Today I’m grateful for:
Window polish/cleaner. And Amy. Combined they made the kitchen window clean again. Free of lizard shit, cobwebs and other detritus. I can see clearly again as I chug down a glass of water or wash out the cat bowls.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling like things are coming together around our house again as Amy tidies, cleans and rearranges everything to her fancy. When I’m here by myself I’m just living but when Amy is here with me it feels like home again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I guess the morning start going to Utopia with Tangmo following along was a little test as I had to leave again before I could even have coffee and ride back, taking Tangmo home. But I dealt with it with calm acceptance and just enjoyed the ride and tiring ‘mo out.
Something I learned today?
I must’ve learned something today! Oh! I read a couple of interesting interviews in the Punk Planet book.
That whole book has me reevaluating certain things about my role within the punk/DIY scene. I think when you are deep in the middle of something like that you take it very seriously. Sitting a little outside of that scene now puts into clearer context how others might have viewed it at the time.
One of the interviews was about a scene member’s frustrations with the changes he’d seen at the time (mid-90s) and it felt a little trivial in retrospect but I also understand that a lot of time has passed since and more world experience gathered.
Of more interest was the other interview about protests about the gearing up for bombing Iraq in 1998.
The interviewee was from our scene but had somehow found himself on live TV (CNN) addressing the warmongers in the US government. In the interview, he was hopeful about the movement of protest against this but history ended up differently as political manipulations saw to it that Iraq would be crushed and crippled for a long time.
Almost every on-the-ground report I have heard was about how welcoming the average Iraqi was to strangers. The same propaganda that is currently loose on Russia and China must not be allowed to lead to military conflict.
But the warmongers will continue to beat their drums until the tide of opinion is so overwhelming that it cannot be ignored.
We hoped for that in 1998. Hoped for it in 2003. Hoped again and again. As situations in the most powerful Western countries deteriorate maybe we are edging nearer that change. Perhaps the world is waking up.
What are some things that help me feel calm and relaxed?
Meditation seems to help a little though I’m never quite relaxed when actually doing it. Perhaps the accumulation and habit is part of this process. Exercise helps too. I still don’t use my body enough but I’m slowly getting there.
Medication has ironed out my wavering emotions and I’m comfortable with that.
I took this picture because crazy Tangmo ran beside me as I rode my push bike all the way to Utopia. Crazy dog. He was scared when I sat down because he wasn’t sure where he was. He couldn’t come in and if I came in he would’ve scratched at the door so there was nothing to do except ride him back home and come back for coffee on the motorbike as it was hot and sunny by then.
Wisdom, so obvious once read It makes so much sense Several times heard it said Forgotten to one’s expense
Cliches are cliches because Experiences made them true Turn what one’s thinking of Into something one can do
Travel along the world in wonder It’s there for all to see Love the skies one’s living under Being as one should be
inspired by an article about W.H. Davies
Today I’m feeling:
Woke up before my alarm with a sore neck but feeling set to go. We went to the city and ran around from here to there as Amy thought about what to buy next and we both got hungry and grumpy by about 11, in search of food we could agree to eat together. I ended up with a small satisfying fish burger from a stall near Sammakhi school, and Amy, krapao from another stall. Crisis averted.
Today I’m grateful for:
The gloves I bought a couple of months ago for use in the garden as today I could quickly pull out the grass growing around the ‘accidental’ cactuses growing in our concrete pot. Easy. Nearly all our concrete pots have things accidentally growing in them. Just things we throw out from the kitchen and one day sprout again.
The best thing about today was:
A big dinner with Nut and Bruno this evening. I was getting tired but then I realised that we’d been eating and talking for three hours already. Three pretty cats came scrounging for food, two heavily pregnant, one of them tiny and no more than six months old itself.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When Amy saw me pulling grass and weeds up around the garden she suddenly decided that I could help her move some things for her home dinner party tomorrow. My plan was to go and play some guitar. Never mind. Amy wanted the sofa from Kim’s room moved into the classroom. I didn’t like being in Kim’s room again and have avoided it since April. We need to get everything out from there that reminds me of Kim. At the time, and even now, I feel on the verge of tears. It’s getting better and easier every day but it still cuts.
Something I learned today?
As mentioned above I found a shop where I can buy a cheap easy fish burger in the city in the future if I so desire.
I took this picture because our old boy is still cute and despite looking wise, we know different.
1994ever 