Always the winner, always on top The sun shines from their behind If outsiders looking in would ever stop The legend would be hard to find
Because they suffered just like us Made many mistakes along the road But when life threw them under the bus Determination is what they showed
So the legend came to be on the lips Of those who needed inspiration And everybody followed the tips For the legends in preparation
Today I’m feeling:
Slooooow to go. Turned off my alarm when it went off and enjoyed a delirious sleep, probably aided by a couple of drops of cannabutter last night which also made me enjoy some guitaring that flew by in a couple of hours. My thought to exercise a little on waking at the weekend didn’t come to fruition but I guess I have to listen to my body sometimes.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nick at Utopia for not only giving me credit today (run out of money!) but making me two fantastic coffees with perfect texture for me.
The best thing about today was:
Despite just wanting to stay home all day when Amy suggested going to Oshinei for lunch I initially said no but quickly changed my mind and I’m glad we got out and enjoyed some food at a two-for-one discount. I was still tired and not really thinking about anything much but just enjoying the moment.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
After lunch I tried to resist the afternoon nap for as long as I could by reading, finishing the first chapter of the Decline and Fall of the British Empire and then a couple of comics before finally giving in and accepting my fate. It was an enjoyable nap though.
I took this picture because Cap was sitting on the cushion by the bookshelves when I got home yesterday, though he got up as soon as I laid down to take pictures.
Pretty good though it was a struggle to get up as I had enjoyed a couple of drops of cannabutter last night that knocked me right out.
Today I’m grateful for:
Go Nuts chocolate bars. They are kinda like Snickers but cheaper as they are manufactured in Thailand (I guess). They are smaller than a Snickers bar so I usually end up eating two at a time but even then they are cheaper. I still like a little something sweet after a meal, kinda just finishes it off for me.
The best thing about today was:
Spending a couple of hours in my room listening to new music and finding new songs to try and play on guitar. I also enjoyed being in the garden watering all our plants.
Something I learned today?
I saw a message posted to our department messaging group that there is something going on in the morning tomorrow which maybe means a change to our classes. I’m hoping to arrive at school tomorrow to find out my class is cancelled! It’s no big deal if it’s not but a bonus if it is!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I shampooed Tigger again just before lunch and he put up a little more of a fight this time but I managed to get it done without any scratches, thankfully.
As mentioned above, I watered the garden whilst Amy was enjoying watching a TV show and after that, I came in and fed the cats.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO 1. Struggle Is Good. Never say “I can’t take it anymore.” Say “Bring it on!”
This has taken me a long while to realise and embrace, although looking back I can see that I did this often.
I have a capability to endure certain things that others might not. Conversely, I’m sure others are capable of enduring things I cannot. It is the attitude towards this struggle that I embrace more now so that I might look forward to the difficult tasks.
I tend to visualise and actualise the feeling of having completed something and being able to relax, satisfied that I had done something.
When I was a teenager, so long as it was something I was interested in, I could start big, wild projects that could occupy my time and mind. These things didn’t feel like a struggle. Without realizing it I soon discovered that it wasn’t always the satisfaction of finishing something that made me feel good but just the doing of it. Over time this meant that I could take on tasks that were less interesting to me because I would just enjoy the doing, the struggle of them.
When I ask my students to write out a few paragraphs of text I enjoy taking note of those who complain and those who just get on and do it. This reveals a lot about their attitude.
These days, having a space that I love to rest my head at night, I can rationalise all discomfort at uninteresting tasks knowing that when the sun goes down I have a place where I can relax and do the things that are interesting to me.
Whilst I would rarely say ‘Bring it on’ I am no longer afraid of the challenges that confront me.
I took this picture because this tree’s red flowers turn brown before splitting open and revealing their seeds. This is the first time I’ve actually noticed the seeds inside.
She didn’t ask to join this club The grief is so big, even shared Suffering in silence, or out loud It’s a struggle that no one is spared
And when a life is taken away Leaving the living seems so unkind To wonder, in search of meaning When tragedy is all she can find
How to lay open the world to truth? Will her fierce soul light the flame? A sword to strike out resilient And to change the world yet again
inspired by The Red Hand Files #254
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good. I persevered with morning exercise despite this being a week with no classes and I could easily have decided to have a break. But I pushed through. It was weird to be at school again with no students around. It’s amazing to think that these thousands of kids are all out there somewhere doing things and during the term they all gather together in this one place.
Today I’m grateful for:
The folks at MFU hospital today. I had to go and get more medicine and have waited four months beyond my scheduled appointment because the timing has not been good with me having to be at school when the doctor is there. Somehow I managed to breeze straight in despite a roomful of patients(presumably they were waiting for other doctors). Then I decided I was waiting too long to pick up the medicine so went off to Daytripper to get some lesson planning done and on return to hospital I was able to breeze in again, collect my meds and go. Easy.
The best thing about today was:
Getting into the swing of lesson planning again. I only did one today but can feel more brewing! I just need to focus.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Totally ran out of energy around 7 pm, perhaps enhanced by a drop too much cannabutter. Sleeping early tonight…
Something I learned today?
Matt sent me a cool video of a band called Hariguem Zaboy. The song had some great off-kilter post-punk guitar and a bouncy rhythm that reminded me of some Japanese bands.
What is my favourite thing about this month?
October? The only regular thing about this month is my birthday which doesn’t carry much significance for me anymore.
This is holiday time in Thailand which is nice but last year we had a 4-week break and this time apparently it’s just 5 days (though I’ll be taking longer with my trip to Australia). Planning things here can be difficult and it sort of contributes to the chill chill attitude and just going with the flow. In some ways, it’s a child-like approach to life which can be exciting but I’ve long grown out of it so sometimes it grates.
October is also the end of the rainy season and the cool of winter approaching is a great relief.
A bit more active than yesterday. I think the pleasure of the cannabutter is giving me good long sleep but also still affecting me the following day so I’m going to lay off it for now. It’s effect is very mild and pleasureable but if it makes me groggy for the whole of the next day then it’s not worth it.
Today I’m grateful for:
My own understanding of my body and brain. Today has been completely drug free except my anti-depressant and whilst it’s not been a fun day to speak of it’s passed by pleasantly enough. I can feel my muscles and joints recovering slowly and hopefully they are primed to get me going again in the morning.
The best thing about today was:
Finally watching Come And See. I feel like I don’t have the attention span for movies sometimes but then realise I can sit through hours of podcasts or TV series. I knew this movie wasn’t going to be any kind of rom-com but the mood kind of reflected my day and it’s message and purpose were clear to me. It showed the trauma and atrocity of war and was a struggle to watch but I’m glad I did. I might have to sit back with something comedic tonight to balance it out.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The weekend has been a bit of a write-off, no writing, little reading, no workout and no guitar. I’m not worried about it at all as I know I need downtime. It’s just sometimes I feel like kicking myself when it feels like I’m wasting time.
I’ll be back on it tomorrow though. Morning exercise then off for coffees. Then I have an 11.30 appointment with Kru Hin to learn how do our grades in the online system, my one class at 1.30, then off up to the hospital to get more sertraline and back to play guitar and watch the last Swans AFL of the regular season.
Something I learned today?
One of my grade 7 students was proud to send me pictures of himself running in a 5km through the city today, similar to one that Amy and I did a few years ago. It’s nice to feel that he wants to show his teacher this. He was one of the kids I kicked out of class a couple of weeks ago so there is an element of sucking up involved but I know he’s a good kid, just being a teenager.
If I could live anywhere in the world, where would that be?
I’d like to live anywhere that is safe and stable. I’ve found living somewhere where I don’t fully understand the language has been helpful as I don’t get fully sucked into the vortex of shit-talking that people find so enjoyable. No matter how much I tried to avoid the corruption of politicians in the UK and Australia I always would get back into it. It was a waste of my time. I know things are even worse here in Thailand but I don’t have to think about it or be involved with it.
I can still see myself living in the UK or Australia though I don’t think it would be for extended periods. Otherwise, I think I can live anywhere, as I said, so long as it is safe. Water, electricity and internet preferred.
I took this picture by accident when I was talking on a video call with Amy. She was busy running around cleaning Lewis’s poop at the time, just as I was about to feed our cats (action shot in the top corner). This is how Amy and I have communicated for the past two years and I’m glad of the technology that makes it possible.
A little vague with heavy eyelids. Exercise got me going but driving to work I was distracted and forgetting how I’d even got to where I was. I know it’s the extra exercise making me tired but I’ve gotta try and keep it going. My body is benefitting and I need to get over the hump and get used to it, become a habit.
Today I’m grateful for:
Yet another half day with no classes affording me time to catch up on more reading and writing with my coffees.
I went upstairs to see who was in the classroom of what was usually my first class of the day. There were six students and when I asked where the rest were they told me that they’d gone to one of their dorm rooms. Amusingly they confirmed that they went there to sleep more. The idea though was that they go to the Science Day event rather than study with me. Sleep was not what they should miss my class for!
Never mind, I was taking advantage of the event too.
Whilst I was talking to those students I was feeling a little tired and slurring my words a little. One of them offhandedly remarked that I looked stoned. That reminded me that perhaps the effects of yesterday evening’s cannabis oil hadn’t quite worn off.
The best thing about today was:
At 6.30 pm sitting on the terrace in the cool air, writing here and hearing the drip drops of rain approaching from across the fields which became a steady fall, the windblown droplets cooling my skin even further. The rain is damn cold but I’m also thoroughly enjoying the feeling, sitting under cover and watching the water drip from the roof. Cap is sitting at the door looking out in comfort behind the screen. I think it will be an early night for me tonight.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve been sleeping very well this week partly because of increasing my morning exercise routines but also aided by a couple of drops of cannabutter. One downside of that though was last night feeling sure that I had done my daily language learning only to discover this morning that I hadn’t done any at all! I also haven’t been able to read as many comics as usual, just feeling that I can’t keep my eyes open.
Something I learned today?
I’ve followed bits and pieces about Russia and the war in Ukraine and I understand very little about the involvement of the Wagner group. It felt like Western media was making a big deal over an alleged coup by the Wagner group and the words of its leader Prigozhin who ended up in Belarus. The Wagner group was then mentioned to be involved in Africa trying to counter armed interference from Western allies. Today, a small aircraft Prigozhin was on, crashed, killing everyone on board. There is sure to be more to that story.
I guess in some ways I’ve learned again that I know nothing.
What is the best gift I have ever given?
I’m struggling to even think about any gifts I have given!
There was the iPhone I bought for Amy when I came to Thailand but that was spoiled by the immigration officials who wanted the tax paid on it when I arrived. An iPhone is not really special either – it was more the surprise that I wanted Amy to get.
There were all the drawings of Amy and her friends that I did for our anniversary. That was a bit more special and personal.
Ok, here’s one. Back in 2013, I planned to go to Yogyakarta. Kimi and Sikin were disappointed that they couldn’t afford to meet me there so I bought them tickets. In the lead-up to that visit, I was suddenly retrenched and worried about spending too much money so I ended up cancelling my trip whilst Kimi and Sikin were still able to go! I shouldn’t have cancelled that trip but the future was feeling a bit uncertain at the time.
I took this picture because I was surprised to find Tigger in here, although as you can see he doesn’t all fit. All our cats constantly swap their favourite places and it feels like they wish that they could occupy them all at the same time to stop each other from stealing their spots. There’s something to be said for only owning one cat. But if we ever get more cats in the future I’d really like to get two or three brother and sister kittens. That would be great to watch them grow together and hopefully love each other more than our current cats do.
When I read those things I didn’t understand why They made sense to me But unable to apply Not yet ready for wisdom To be practised so One day I’ll realise The things I already know
inspired by a post at Spinning Visions that reminded me of myself and my own looking back and finding old gems in diaries where I realise that I knew what was ‘good’ and ‘right’ but was not mature enough to actually be ‘good’ and ‘right’.
Today I’m feeling:
Woke up many times last night feeling either hot or cold. Combined with my tiredness I may have a fever but came to school anyway though decided to just give work to my final class and have them submit it online so I can go home again. Annoying to be getting sick with another long weekend. Nevermind.
Today I’m grateful for:
Bandcamp and their new option for listening parties which I just tried out today with the release of the Flesh Narc compilation. A couple of people tuned in but I can see now that it will be better planned a little more in advance and promoted a bit more.
The best thing about today was:
Picking up my guitar again after five days off. I got really into it even though I knew I was playing badly. Sometimes I just turn up the songs so loud that it’s hard to even hear what I’m playing.
I’m lost in a, not even air guitar but air emotion as if I’m in front of a thousand people and feel like I really mean it! Look at me, wasn’t I great? Ah, it was nothing.
I still feel like I’m twelve years old and can’t help myself sometimes.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I ordered some canna butter that came in a small bottle with a pipette. I figured it would be best kept in the fridge thinking that it was like a thick oil.
Tonight I thought I’d give it a try and twisted the lid which then snapped the pipette in half. No worries I thought, there’s a little bit sticking out that I can pull out with my teeth. It was then, with a sudden crunch, that I discovered that the pipette was made of glass and I had a mouthful of tiny shards of glass.
After spitting them out I looked at the bottle more and could see that inside the bottle, which is presumably liquid at room temperature, the substance had hardened like real butter and the rest of the glass pipette tube was stuck solid in it.
I’ll try to figure out how to not swallow any glass whilst trying the, hopefully, liquid once it gets back to room temperature.
Something I learned today?
I suppose I could say I learned how the Bandcamp listening parties work, as I talked about it above. That was probably the main thing for me today though I surely took in lots of other little bits of information.
I took this picture because I let Tigger out for a little while as the sun was shining. I found him here in one of his favourite spots, in the garage under the cover of the big leaves. A perfect view of incoming opportunity or danger.
I am so happy and grateful to Matt who gave me a big bunch of weed that his father-in-law had grown. Yesterday I baked it and today made cannabutter. Let’s see how it turns out. We have a lot of weed left too and though it’s sitting there I don’t feel compelled to have a quick smoke.
1994ever 