Amid grief, it seems easy to find words to comfort others, yet a struggle to find them for yourself. This poem was somewhat inspired by this write from Carol Anne at Therapy Bits
Empty Chest – 17th October 2025
Tag: Cappuccino
I’ve got an empty chest
Ninth Innings – 17th April 2025
In youth, as playful as expected
it was a pleasure to see you run,
panting for breath until collected;
the joys of a life just begun.
In the early years, you would settle
to be as we all had visualised;
then, one day, you suffered bad fettle
and your health would then be compromised.
Through eight lives, where you almost perished
to the ills of kidney and liver,
our love never wavered, we cherished
every moment as the caregiver.
Now here we are in the ninth innings,
to see you this way now brings us pain,
but the memory of your beginnings
from a lifetime ago will remain.
Shared with Momoetry April Poet Month challenge – ode
Charlie Zero The Poet Music picks & Reviews #17 and my quick thoughts:
PoiL – Long familiar with this awesome band. The video for Fionosphere is mesmerising: https://youtu.be/c6tbJDm40Pc?si=30WWUNu7hgZJX0Xk
I seem to end up watching it every few months. In fact, I’m going to watch it again now.
Zu – Zu were on my record label’s very first release so I’m familiar with them too: https://tenzenmen.bandcamp.com/album/eccentrics-vol-1
This is a good reminder for me to go check out some of their more recent stuff though.
Prairie WWWW – I came across this band about five years ago and some of the band members names are familiar to me though I’m not sure why. I never listened in depth before but it’s obvious that this style is right up my street!
Fulu Miziki – vaguely familiar with this band too, I think from stumbling across videos of theirs. Listening now brings back strong vibes of listening to John Peel late at night, waiting to hear the one or two punk tunes he might play and being subjected to what seemed like hours of the Bhundhu Boys (which, ironically, I find quite enjoyable now)
Sonora Tropical – the brief snippet here also brought back John Peel vibes and this one not enough for me to investigate further – these hips are too old to shake these days.
Great selections this time, Charlie.
Scientists Baffled – 11th April 2024
A girl with x-ray vision
A complex cityscape sketcher
A guy who doesn’t feel the cold
A contortionist rubber-boy stretcher
Everything can be explained
But that will never get clicks
Scientists baffled is the headline
From the bag of dirty media tricks
Inspired by yet another justified Brian Dunning rant at Skeptoid
17th May 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – Headline
Today I’m feeling:
A bit agitated, deflated and flat today. Also, despite a drop in temperature (though not very significant) my body feels hotter than usual.
I got an hour or so of planning done this morning and perhaps having to do all this preparation is playing on my mind a little too.
I should also mention that last week I started taking a couple of multivitamins, a couple of resveratol and a couple of creatine supplements.
I am still cynical about their effectiveness in general but consider that I may be lacking certain things in my diet as I have been eating less for the last year or two.
So I’m not sure if it is because of the supplements or because it’s holiday time but I do feel like I have more energy and also feel less sleepy and tired. I guess I’ll find out more about their effectiveness when I get back into the swing of school again.
Today I’m grateful for:
The odd job man, recommended by Amy’s friend Hangie, who was as good as his word and came on time, replaced our roof tile (though not sure how securely!) and propped up our fence (which is definitely a temporary thing) at the corner of the garden. He only wanted 100 baht too. We gave him 200.
The best thing about today was:
Nothing in particular. My mood and energy picked up a little by the evening but not to the point of any real inspiration.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My mood was weird and unexplainable today. It wasn’t anything out of control just a general lack. Handled by soldiering on through the day.
Something I learned today?
My old student Kamboom will be in M4 (grade 10) next year (already!). She got top grades last year – she’s a good student, for sure. She wants to learn Japanese now.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
A lot of nice chats with a few of my grade 7 students just to check in to see how they are doing.
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
Besides our love for each other, which goes beyond our minor niggles with having lived together for 15 years or more, the first thing to mention is the love we have for our cats.
As we commemorate little Kim’s passing one year ago this week, we stress and worry about old man Cappuccino.
All our cats have gone through phases of being healthy and happy with periods of sick and sorry. Tigger seems to be in his healthy phase at the moment and has no complications from having HIV. We know when he doesn’t feel well because he usually never refuses food, fat furry fuck that he is!
For some reason, he has started talking more and become more affectionate recently. Maybe he knows that something is up with Cap and is trying to tell us?
Another thing that we have in common is our understanding of fidelity.
We both know that if we stray then that is the end of ‘us’. That suits us both.
I personally don’t believe in fidelity for everyone, or perhaps even at all. It doesn’t seem quite natural. It is a construct of our society. But it is something that I believe in doing for myself because I grew up in this society.
The third thing that we have in common is our way of thinking. I guess this follows on from the more specific issue of fidelity.
In our relationship, we are completely understanding of each other’s interests and passions and happily let each other indulge in them alone. Where many couples insist on being together all the time, we have never subscribed to putting each other through the tortures of enduring things like my music or her love of dancing to English 90s pop!
Since I’ve stopped drinking so much this has made it a little difficult for us to go together for a night out though I do submit from time to time.
Broken Rules – 7th April 2024
You were so quiet, it was obvious
How could you think I was oblivious?
I’ll tell you now that I was serious
But you went and broke the rules
Whether them or me, was it just a fling?
Did either of us even mean anything?
Who next for the words you sweetly sing
And the hearts held in your cup?
Submitted to Ovi Poetry Challenge – oblivious, FOWC – fling and NaPoMo
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good even though I slept badly due to aching shoulders. I should probably get them checked out as it’s been painful for about six months already.
I got up early so that I could watch the Swans game this morning.
I need to book flights to Bangkok to meet up with Arwith in early May, order a filter for our air purifier and will take Baipad and Butter to practice riding the motorbike again.
In amongst all that I’ll do all the things I usually do too; reading, writing, thinking and planning.
Today I’m grateful for:
My alarm getting me up and into action this morning. I could easily have slept another three hours but glad that I gave myself that extra time to do things.
The best thing about today was:
It’s been a pretty good day all round. It was 41 degrees and the house was like an oven so I spent most of my time in aircon.
I didn’t read or play guitar today but did clear up a backlog of emails.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I got back from coffee I prepared everything to watch the AFL but it wasn’t working, which was unusual. I saw one error about location so I downloaded a free VPN and tried some different locations. None of those worked either but they also didn’t have the option to set the server to Australia.
I checked if the Highlights and Mini Matches still worked and they were fine. But even last week’s full match replays were no longer available.
I searched online to see if there might be some information about this and ended up posting on Reddit. Whilst waiting for any response I found another VPN that had an Australian server and finally, I was able to watch the game (which was an unconvincing win).
It looks like someone else had the same problem too so I guess I need to figure out a VPN to watch full games in future. The one I used, TunnelBear, has a 2G data limit and I’m not sure if that is daily, weekly or monthly. I really don’t want to have to pay for a VPN just to watch one match a week.
Something I learned today?
Butter’s mum came and introduced herself to me and when we got back from riding I also met his dad and sister, Cookie! Great names!
Cookie will start grade 7 at my school next month though I won’t be teaching her.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
More encouragement for Butter and Baipad with motorbike riding.
Butter has pretty much got it already and Baipad improved a little more today too. I think that gave her a mini confidence boost.
I can see from her actions that whatever bullying she suffered when she was younger has really knocked her self-confidence. She is still vulnerable to other people who could easily bully and manipulate her.
I also sent another 100 baht to Anchan.
When was the last time I tried something new?
Although I can’t pinpoint it I believe that I try something new every day. The journey through our minutes is diverted off course consistently. Even the Trumans Show fell apart eventually and Groundhog Day was never actually the same.
But something deliberately new? So something interesting? Not just a new restaurant, a new book, a new poem, a new song to listen to?
How about a new country, a new house, a new job, a new hobby?
Read anything here, there is nothing new and something new on every page.
Write about a time when you laughed uncontrollably.
Back in 1989 (I think) I was thrilled to be outside of England for the first time in my life and playing shows with my friends in Belgium and Holland. I soon bonded with our Dutch host Mark and we would drink, get high and laugh a lot much like any other early twenty-year-olds would.
At this one of our shows, which was an amazingly fun night where Mike, from the New York band Shaved Pigs (who had hung on a bit longer after their tour had finished the week previous) joined us on saxophone for our epic jam tune, there was a radio interview at the end of the evening.
Thoroughly happy and drunk, Mark, who was the interviewer, asked me to recite a couple of poems that I had written that he had seen before.
I think I read The Day The Apples Turned To Poison but hassled for more I was requested to read She Lost Her Virginity To A Worm. The anticipation in the room for this short poem was too much and I couldn’t even get to the end of it as Mark and I were in fits of giggles.
A fascinating radio listen? I doubt very much!
What Kind Of Monster Are You? – 1st April 2024
What kind of life is this?
Charged with electric dreams
Memories of distant joys
Fall apart at the seams
The horror is midnight real
Roaming these dark lanes
Only ever searching for love
For these stitched-together remains
Submitted to No Theme Thursday and NaPoMo.
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good again. Trying not to think too much about the events on this day last year. We go on until we don’t.
Today I’m grateful for:
Being able to easily find the Chinese TV version of The Three Body Problem. I’ll watch that over the holidays.
The best thing about today was:
Being able to sneak a coffee from 22 Grams this afternoon as we took Cap to get checked at the vet. Still the best coffee in Chiang Rai for me.
Cap’s blood levels are a little high for his kidneys now so we have to get him tested again in a couple of weeks.
Something I learned today?
I think it is at the UN that the USA is always found in breach of rules and they always launch an appeal.
But appeals are never heard so that the USA doesn’t have to follow the rules until the appeal is over.
Why are the appeals never heard? Because since the last two appeals judges retired the USA has blocked the positions of any new ones.
Hmm – and they call themselves part of the rules-based order.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I ordered a 32” globe for Amy as an anniversary gift. I hope it isn’t too plastic and cheap-looking when it arrives.
Where’s Your Courage? – 28th March 2024
“The little things are the big things.”
Courage demands bravery in this very moment
Of heroic action.
And so happiness is possible,
Living an ordinary life
In an extraordinary way
Text is borrowed and arranged from this post at The Stoa Letter and the form (Cherita) is inspired by this post at the Skeptic’s Kaddish and the title is from the Minutemen.
Today I’m feeling:
Super tired again. Yesterday I managed to resist an afternoon nap and I got to sleep OK, until Cap kept crying to go in and out of the bedroom and then to be fed. Happy to know that he has his appetite but I just want to sleep more!
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy and her family deciding to go for a fish lunch out in the rice fields. It was good to do something different though it was funny that they decided on the restaurant that Bruno and I went and tried as we were riding by a year or two ago.
Also to Kru Karn who offered me her shelf space in the teacher’s room to keep my things. I’ll do that for now but may move it to somewhere more suitable later.
The best thing about today was:
Reading more about the British Empire in Africa. It was interesting to read that there were people who abhorred the colonial treatment of other human beings at the time. Interesting in that nothing much has changed, sadly.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I haven’t been able to do any more lesson planning as I haven’t been able to get more information from Kru Mai about my classes yet. It’s a little frustrating as it is what we are supposed to be doing this week and now it means I will have to do more in the actual holiday time.
When I went to school just before lunch I found lots of people cleaning out the office space for Kru Puu who will stay in there in future. Unfortunately, this means moving my stuff out from there and also not being able to use it for one-to-one speaking exercises anymore. A lot of student’s work that I was keeping to look at later was also missing, presumably thrown out. Oh well. Nothing stays the same.
Something I learned today?
I just got sent a video by Noey. It was of me riding the wrong way at the traffic lights (to save time) as I was out getting a tub of ice cream at the 7-11. She must have been on her bike at the traffic lights going in the other direction.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I messaged a few more students today and had little conversations of encouragement with them.
All The Arms We Need – 27th March 2024
The truth took the wind from me
I’m still not ready to stand
This isn’t the way it was meant to be
It’s not quite how I planned
I cannot face this world today
Please comfort me, I am in need
Give me the power to walk away
To heal me as I bleed
Together in the world we’ve built
And the challenges we are thrown
After all the tears we’ve spilled
We will never walk alone
A second submission to WDYS (picture above) and inspired by events from last night
Today I’m feeling:
Super tired due to waking up a couple of times during the night as Amy was checking on Cap who was very restless and crying often.
It’s still difficult to see if there is anything specifically wrong but Amy will take him back to the vet to double-check this morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding Amy starting to watch the Netflix version of the Three Body Problem, so I said Hey, let’s watch it together.
I will try to put out of my mind how good the books were and try to judge this on its own merits.
The best thing about today was:
Cap seeming to improve a little after stopping one of the medicines the vet had given him a couple of days ago. He’s still not eating or drinking much but he seems to be getting better rest and looks to be in less discomfort.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I rolled with the things that were working against me and sure enough, by sitting still and doing nothing, the world revolved full circle and back into my favour.
Something I learned today?
I met Kru Ren this morning and discovered that he has been tasked with creating the full curriculum for the integrated English classes next year. He’s flummoxed! He knows what a stupidly huge task he has been given and I commiserated with him because it’s pretty crazy to be given just a few weeks (that should be a holiday) to prepare.
It seems that he is also tasked to teach it and he has made the same complaint as myself – we don’t have the knowledge level to teach the sciences and other subjects.
Even things that we do have knowledge of would take much preparation to teach at the grade 7 level.
When I was doing the same in primary it would often take me six hours prep to teach a two hour class!
Good luck Kru Ren!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I talked with Kru Lucky about information on scholarships and exchange programs to pass on to Anchan, which I duly did.
To be honest, I’m not very optimistic that she can achieve a full scholarship and I hope that she doesn’t get disheartened.
She did seem to have a couple of backup plans though so it seems she has already thought about this.
She’s a good kid and deserves better than what her situation is offering her.
Our Part – 26th March 2024
When judgement comes, what may you say
In your defence?
For every tiny part you play
Comes at some expense
With violence spent, you walked away
All of it forgotten
Whilst those you hurt were forced to stay
Sour and turning rotten
When judgement comes, it will be
Seen from your heart
For better or worse, you set me free
You played your part
A part in miniature, a part of me
Reborn stronger
My part in this is plain to see
And I will stay longer
Inspired by the poem Until Then (’till the last petal falls) by Michelle Ayon Navajas and comments there.
Submitted to Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge Miniature
Today I’m feeling:
Uncertain. I just looked in the mirror and felt old and worthless. Perhaps it’s because I’m not around the energy of the kids at the moment.
Last night Amy also cried that Thailand isn’t her place anymore and that she feels more at home in Australia. There’s a lot behind that but there is also a factor that I haven’t written about here because it’s a sensitive topic and the situation is ongoing. Needless to say, I understand her feeling, whilst not sharing it.
She also asked me if I would ever go back to England to live and I said no, which made me consider her position.
I seem to have really found myself here and just have no real idea what I would do with myself back in Australia.
Anyway, this is not a new feeling or thought and is not able to be actioned upon just yet due to having our cats and our home here, which we would need to sell. Sometime in the future though, it looks a given that we will be back in Australia.
Today I’m grateful for:
My student, Nong Aoi, who called me this evening as she was happily cooking and eating with her boyfriend and friends. Despite giving me big headaches last year enough to make me worry that she was going off the rails, she has calmed down a little now and is quite sweet and affectionate. I think it’s nice that my students feel comfortable enough to call me. I’m doubtful that they call other any other teachers.
Yesterday I also messaged a little with Nong Nam, who was Aoi’s accomplice in giving me grief last year. She has also matured a little more now and said that she really appreciates that I contact her every six months or so to check in on her. Sometimes it’s the small actions that make all the difference.
The best thing about today was:
Quietly reading 2000AD and Judge Dread Megazine stories after getting home mid-afternoon. It was excellent and I was savouring the time spent.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got a glimpse of my new classes from Kru Mai today and whilst he has taken heed of my reluctance to be involved with the Integrated classes for next semester he has spread me out into other high school classes which means figuring out new lessons to teach.
I would also not teach any grade 7 classes, for which I already have a hundred lessons accumulated over the last three years. Oh well, new challenges lay ahead.
Cappuccino is still not looking too good at the moment and doesn’t seem to be able to settle himself into a comfortable position, like there’s something not right in his hips or belly. Poking around doesn’t seem to cause him any discomfort but something is obviously not right.
Amy and I are both wary as it was at this time last year that Kim got sick and went to the vet a couple of times until that fateful day she didn’t come back alive.
Something I learned today?
In medieval Europe, mercury was used in medicine and manufacturing. Hatters were specifically exposed to mercuric nitrate, a form of inorganic mercury.
By 1837, “mad as a hatter” was a common saying.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sent messages out to a few more students today to check in on how they are doing. I discovered that Anchan is having a tough time of things these days.
She has been living with her uncle as the rest of her family have been put in prison for an illegal online gambling website! She says her uncle is never around so she has to take care of the house and as she is not getting any money from her mum now she has to help her grandmum with selling things and gets barely enough to buy herself food.
And all that is taking away from her school work where, amazingly, she is still motivated to push herself and enrolling herself in extracurricular activities. She’s only 14 years old.
She asked for some help with information about exchange programs to Australia and I talked a little with Kru Champ about that as it is something he is working on in the future.
It’s frustrating to see smart, motivated kids trapped in situations like this. I hope she doesn’t give up and lose herself as so many teenagers can do.
We’ll Be All Right – 25th March 2024
Get ready for the struggle
Get up and get strong!
Don’t waste time on the puzzle
If all the pieces are wrong
Injustice sits in the heart
Sending signals to the head
Ignore them from the start
Choose to grow instead
The world is not unkind
Neither is it cruel
Fast forward, not rewind
The correct use of the tool
Inspired and paraphrased from The Red Hand Files #272
2nd Jun 2024 – Submitted to the Word of the Day Challenge
Today I’m feeling:
I’ve got some energy today, mainly through having ideas for lessons for next semester, which I need to focus on this week in preparation.
I just hope that what I’m working on is suitable for the students and not above their level.
I sometimes overestimate how skilled the students are and as this is my first time teaching grade 12 I have some reservations.
Today I’m grateful for:
Cap being able to come home from the vet. He hates being there as he is a princess scaredy-cat a lot of the time.
I doubt he slept much for the last three days but the saline has helped stabilise his blood levels and hopefully, he soon gets his appetite back.
The best thing about today was:
Getting on a roll with my lessons. I checked with the grade 12 teacher from last year and they were very supportive of what I was hoping to teach some of these students.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I talked to Kru Mai about changing one of my classes so that they matched the other classes in that grade and he said he will look at it.
But in the process of that conversation, the annual discussion of integrated study came up again and our grade 7 and 10 classes may need to follow that format.
I argued against this unless we are given the lessons to teach (which is not likely). Every year they try to implement this and it’s always been shot down but it looks they are going to try and muscle it in somehow this time.
Also, any rejigging of our classes may also mean I don’t end up teaching the grade 12s that I just spent all day working on lessons for. I asked if that could be left alone because I hope that I can get this opportunity to test out my skills and abilities, as well as the students.
Something I learned today?
USA TikTok users said that they were worried if the company was sold to a US corporation, believing that it would be more censored and restricted than it is currently as a subsidiary of a Chinese company.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Amy asked me to do many little things for her this evening and I’ve done them as required, even though it interrupted things that I was doing.
House Of Dreams – 24th March 2024
What goes on in there?
Door ajar, window wide
Unholy noises emanate
Secrets unseen inside
Are there witches
Three crone sisters
That talk in tongues
And hypnotic whispers
A crash and a scream
There’s blood supposed
Suddenly the doors
And window closed
The shadows darken
And take their leave
Was it just a nightmare
That kids believe?
Inspired by the attached picture that reminds me of my own childhood home a little but made me think more of a house that as kids we used to pass sometimes at night and heard all sorts of weird noises coming from. Our childish minds formed ghosts and witches and we would run past as quickly as possible. A few years later and I ended up dating the girl that lived there with her wild and crazy mum and girlfriend and I soon saw for myself what was making all the noise inside. They were bat-shit crazy. It was fun for a while.
Submitted to Crimson’s Creative Challenge
Today I’m feeling:
A little tired and underwhelmed so far though I’m waiting for my first coffee. I haven’t been sleeping well due to discomfort in my shoulder and struggling to breathe clearly.
Today I’m grateful for:
That the AFL website now has a dedicated page for match replays where the scores are not displayed.
Maybe they had it before but this is season is the first time I’ve found it.
The best thing about today was:
Realising what I can do for my grade 12 classes next year. Last week Australia announced that they are raising the IELTS level for students from 5.5 to 6. Already well above most kids level but as we were talking about it it reminded me of when I was teaching Chinese students online, preparing them for the Speaking exam.
So I figure why not use my class to prepare these kids and go through a different set of IELTS questions, discussing and preparing one week and then attempting the following.
It should be easy enough to find sample questions online again and it will just be a case of wash, rinse, repeat. I love it when an idea comes to me like this because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with this class.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Today has been pleasantly full. From coffee to immediately getting home and watching the Swans play well to beat Essendon, then straight out for buffet sushi lunch at a place we hadn’t tried before, to visit Cap at the vets and then a little shopping at Makro on the way home, straight into my room to play guitar and then to finally sit and watch some YouTube videos at around 5.30 pm.
I’ve been glad to be on the go for a change as I’ve not been moving my old bones enough for this last week or so and I’m feeling it.
Something I learned today?
I finally found out where to change the setting on my Mac to do a three finger window drag!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Amy hurried me along to not wait around with my morning coffee as I usually do today but thankfully I was up early enough to get back and watch the football with enough time for us to make it to lunch before she started biting my head off.
I’m happiest when …
Listening to music, reading a book, reading a comic, playing with students – when the joy resonates through my body bringing me to a point of savouring.
Anything that triggers this is when I’m happiest and sometimes, if I remind myself, I can activate this feeling at will.
1994ever 