Pinned to the floor, mouth full of dirt Listening carefully for the next scream or roar Unable to feel hurt, waiting for a hand To pull back up to the new wonderland
No feeling in the toes, eyes red and wet Blood pulses slowly down the nose It’s not over yet, a forever-shifting sand Every day a vision of this wonderland
Darkness surrounds, night is as day Sharing space in these sacred grounds Desperate again to play, desperate again to stand Amongst the ruins of this wonderland
In and out of sleep, time for final dreams All the promises no one was able to keep Who knows what it means when it was all planned And the devils came to play in this wonderland
Sleepy but alive. As my body slowly revives from another rude awakening I’m sitting outside watching birds searching through the long grass for snacks or useful detritus for nest building, which I’m grateful to see they are taking full advantage of all our trees and safe nooks.
Today I’m grateful for:
Aing, Now and their two friends who helped look after our house and cats and best of all were very quiet and gentle so that us and our cats weren’t disturbed.
The best thing about today was:
Sushi buffet for dinner that I had saved up my hunger for, only eating a couple of pieces of bread around lunch time.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Having our house back to ourselves has set Amy off on a cleaning frenzy despite being tired and full after dinner and this leads to lots of ‘do this, get that, get this, do that’ to which I oblige and after a little while say ‘anything else?’ hoping that there isn’t!
What’s an opinion I held for a long time but changed?
When I was younger I ignorantly believed in freedom and anarchy. I say ignorantly in that I just didn’t know enough about it but I believed in the good of people in general, to help each other and make it work.
Age brings cynicism! I understand the appeal of less governance but ultimately I feel as if it is from the perspective of Western self-centredness and that leaves a lot of places for some to be left behind. Over time I’ve come to appreciate the ‘benevolent dictatorship’ of China, if I can call it that.
A well-governed country may not satisfy everyone when it comes to freedom but it seemed ironic to me when visiting that there was a feeling of more freedom in China than there wass in Australia (though I appreciate this was speaking as a guest).
Thailand is also way more relaxed in its rule of law, which has its upsides and downsides, of course. The government here is also not quite so benevolent to its people, or as well organised.
Governments that are corrupted are the scourge of the planet. It doesn’t matter what form the take. Corruption is the key.
A revelation of the vastness Of the universe *In the scale of the world Ego diminishes*
Sitting under this big night sky Lonely but not alone A life lived put into context Must be made one’s own
Ten thousand years will pass Turning all to dust Footprints left waiting in the mud Maybe seen by none When gods decide on supernova No one will wonder About all the thinking Under the big tree done
Sleepy, not helped by the fact that morning classes were cancelled so I had no flow going for that time. It’s super hot and humid and no one wants to study. I still have class this afternoon but luckily I talked with David who said that the class were behind in his work, whereas they are ahead in mine so instead of teaching them I can let them catch up for him. Happy happy.
Today I’m grateful for:
The English Cheddar cheese chips at Makro that hopefully will stay available and not just be a short trial to see how well they sell. They remind me a little of old England and the regular chips flavours that I grew up with like cheese and onion, salt and vinegar or ready salted. The flavour combinations here in Thailand are wild to me though obviously understandable. I sometimes need familiarity.
The best thing about today was:
Making some deeper connections with some of my quieter students in a more relaxed space than just in the classroom where their bored little faces stare right through me. It’s easy to connect with the studious ones and even with the ones who don’t understand anything but the quiet ones take a bit longer.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The whole school schedule is out of my control as I discover changes with very short notice and it has taken me some time to adapt myself to this. Now I’m more able to roll with the punches and today has certainly turned out in my favour.
Something I learned today?
Thaksin is due to come back to Thailand next month after 15 years in exile. I’m wondering if this could be a move to quiet any issues with the winners of the recent election not being part of the government? The machinations of politics in Thailand are difficult to follow but it all seems to come back to one word – corruption.
What would I like to accomplish soon?
This feels like a question for a younger person. Do I need to accomplish anything? Sometime soon, I need to clean my room and move my stuff back in there from the house. Hardly a big deal.
I don’t have any big goals or anything. I have plans but they are just things that will happen without much input.
I’d like to lose my belly fat but it also doesn’t really matter if I don’t because I can feel my health has improved in general.
This feels like a tough question to answer for me right now.
Rista took this picture because she grabbed my phone to take photos of herself and Namkhing. This is my lizard eye. One that I never notice in my soft mirror at home. I must stop smiling.
It all started as a lark Making fun of those deserving It bites as much as a bark A record worth preserving
Upsetting difficult targets Crooks hiding in plain sight Questioning illegal profits Someone serving the people right
A freedom of expression Something democracy holds dear Suddenly under suppression For making a crime more clear
Unafraid to twist the knife Further for all to see At this risk of his own life And the right to remain free
A legacy built by crooks Hiding behind shirts and ties An ever-constant cooking of books And truths in fuzzy disguise
Though when money starts tasting sour A problem must be burned Friendly gangsters hold the power That the people want returned
A David and Goliath fight When many Davids band together And shank with all their might To topple corruption forever
Inspired by the firebombing of investigative YouTuber Jordan Shank’s (friendlyjordies) house and the corruption within the New South Wales government.
Today I’m feeling:
Tired, possibly getting sick. After visiting the psych last week we decided to try cutting down on my sertraline. I did that on Wednesday, taking just half a tablet. Then on Thursday I forgot to take it at all and didn’t sleep well that night due to my student being killed.
On Friday, yesterday, I took half again but was so tired I got into bed at around 8pm.
This morning I took half and started to feel dizzy in the morning. I know dizziness is a withdrawal symptom but with the possibility of getting sick too and not being able to relax this weekend, I don’t think I can deal with it back at school on Monday.
Today I’m grateful for:
The lunch provided at the hotel today which was more delicious than expected. Usually, there’s nothing I can eat at these kinds of functions and I would’ve happily gone without food but luckily there were two fish dishes, both of which were spicy. One had a dressing of red onions, lemongrass, ginger and chilli and I hoped it would knock the potential of this sickness out of me.
The best thing about today was:
Learning some new programs and applications that I can use for presentations. Despite only Thai being spoken all day it was simple to follow and interesting enough for me. At points, I was also able to catch up with some online reading as I waited for others to catch up.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The main thing out of my control today is tiredness and the feeling of getting sick. I will handle it by going to sleep early again tonight.
Something I learned today?
Scientists have been able to splice genes in certain breeds of mosquitos so that they will become sterile and die out over a period of time. The question being asked now is whether to introduce it into the wild and what possible consequences could arise from it.
Where do I feel most at ease?
Despite smelling of cat pee right now I’m very obviously most at ease in my home. I love it.
I took this picture because I started using honey in my tea as we ran out of sugar. The honey I bought is pretty old and doesn’t quite dissolve properly anymore so this is what I find after leaving my mug in the sink overnight.
Is everyone here just to serve you? You’re no better than anyone else Everyone must do what you say You’ve got such a high opinion of yourself
God forbid anyone who crosses you Or doesn’t always adhere to your wishes The ladders climbed are full of snakes Fallen from ballroom to washing the dishes
Superior attitude has poisoned the mind The extended hand that must be kissed The backstabbers are always plotting And one day you’ll no longer be missed
Are you so noble you cannot see The peasants that you thought to inspire Turn against your arrogant commands That they no longer admire
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our super tart passionfruit that I ate for breakfast yesterday. Its sourness lasted throughout the day in my mouth. It was delicious and difficult to eat!
Sometimes, the more you look at something, the more it makes you sick. Like eating too much cake or chocolate. I have to balance my reading about Thailand’s past, along with seeing what is happening here now and not get too disgusted with it all in front of Amy, as it only fuels her own first of disgust and will just make us both unhappier. We cannot close our eyes to the corruption we see and enjoy our lives fully. Ignorance really would be bliss. Sometimes, I wonder how to be more stupid.
Also, following the stupid build to potential was between the US and China and hoping that China can do it’s best not to get sucked in. Unfortunately, lots of westerners are getting sucked into the deliberate false narrative that the western media promotes.
It got me thinking about all the self-help methods, or even religious preaching, that advise on understanding, compromising and learning from each other. As the US fails, yet again, at violent suppression of others, based on lies, I wonder if it’s time for the Chinese to lead the way.
I saw a bizarre headline that indicated China would develop Afghanistan with infrastructure and modernisation, working with the Taliban. In return, the Taliban would move away from extremism and not support any terrorist action within Xinjiang. This headline seems too good to be true and maybe from a spoof website, but it shows that the methods the US has chosen in the past, which have continually failed, were not and are not the only option.
Even primary school kids understand that escalating a fight just brings more pain.
I’m starting to see the benefits of a one-party system where potentially anyone has the chance to participate. Without the regular 4 or 5-year cycle, waste of time and money on elections and one party undermining the other, often out of spite, a direction can be adhered to, and some stability maintained.
No society is perfect, and the US should stop pretending to be, because its faults are evident for the whole world to see.
Things I can control and things I can’t control. I still wish to say something, even if it’s just shouting into the wind.
A youthful head full of fantasies Love songs sung out of bedroom windows Piercing dark eyes staring into mine I study every contour of the dimples ’round your nose
Desperately seeking the warmth and comfort To learn the secrets of your touch Six more aching hearts on the other side The urges of desire are too much
14th Mar 2025 – This poem suggests deep, though unclear, memories of the feelings from that time.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the passionfruit plants I bought that are growing like crazy and about to bring us lots of fruit. It’s so good to watch something grow from seed and get flowers or fruit from it.
The weekends disappear so fast – weekdays too, really. Still, at least this weekend I had time to continue posting to my blog and also going through old bits of writing and letters and considering how to add them at some point.
It’s weird to be spending time documenting the past and not really doing that much in the now. I guess it is a good time to be doing it though, as the virus continues to spread around the country.
Amy has continued her dancing regime and lost a little weight again. I had my first drink in a while last weekend and feel I somewhat suffered for it through the rest of the week by not doing much exercise and gaining a little weight. The hangover wasn’t so bad, but the wasted time stings.
I’m really enjoying playing guitar, though it is hard for me to perfect it, it’s keeping me focused.
At Utopia this morning, besides drinking two fabulous coffees, Art was telling me his building is without water again. Every time he complains to ‘the people’ (I don’t know who actually controls this), they just tell him that he should understand that it happens because he is a long way from the source. This is an obvious cop-out, as he pays the same as someone right next to the source. People are really lazy to make things work efficiently and for everybody here. Unequal and corrupt, as Art was able to tell me through Google translation.
I can ignore this kind of thing most of the time, though I have been (perhaps mistakenly) following the Thai news a bit more closely these days due to the spread of the virus, and I see these kinds of symptoms everywhere. I feel frustrated for the kids I teach. I have a way out, but they may not.
Possession of power will turn a good man to greed He’ll take everything that the people need They’ll teach him how to make a stone bleed And they’ll teach you that you’ll never be freed You’ve got a flame in your hand To burn our plans – you’ve got a flame in your hand When you start to destroy the poor You’ll show everyone what for And if anyone asks for more You can quietly shut the door You’ve got a flame in your hand To destroy our land – you’ve got a flame in your hand You’ll turn the country to war And armed revolution like never before And you will burn on the floor As the flame always makes sure
1994ever 